Keyboard

Question: Why entrust reality to young unlearned imaginations? Once partitioned,
A simple dream forfeits goodness, hides justice, kindles lies;
Zeros, X’s cover various barriers, never mending.

Time is of the Essence

Today, time is not of the essence. If anything, the rain and my body is telling me to ignore time today.

Draft autosaved at 9:31 AM

My two hours of sleep last night were choppy, disjointed. I was completely out but my dreams related everything I have experienced this weekend in one long, bizarre story. I felt awake the whole time.

Draft autosaved at 9:35 AM

I struggled to type a name into my phone, it kept changing.

Draft autosaved at 9:39 AM

A boy bragged about a PC as he pulled multiple bags of square caramels from his backpack, digging for something. A scary looking girl sat staring at me, wearing a grey shirt and grey eyes, drained looking, sick, close to death or maybe just returning from it. She said nothing, just continued staring as I looked at her. She had big eyes, eyes that were trying to tell me something but I walked away, I had to. I was trying to get somewhere.

Draft autosaved at 9:42 AM

I was trying to help someone. It was impossible, something kept getting in the way. I was frustrated.

Draft autosaved at 9:43 AM

I am still dreaming. Time moves awkwardly. There is consistency in the music on my ears. But even it is different: not calming, just keeping me from rocking back and forth and talking to myself. There is consistency in the knot in my back along my left shoulder blade. !?!???!!! As I typed 'blade,' Sufjan Stevens sung to me, "when the light pressed up against your shoulder blade." I never woke up today because I hardly went to sleep.

Draft autosaved at 9:47 AM

My lungs feel like collapsing. They want to, I'm not letting them. My heart is tired and doesn't enjoy pumping today, but my muscles aren't letting it stop, only slow down.

Draft autosaved at 9:48 AM

I am aware of people around me. Sort of. They exist, I see them, but they aren't alive today. They are merely around. If they weren't sitting around me, I would think something is wrong. Nothing is wrong, so they are sitting around me. But they aren't very important today. My energy isn't bouncing off of them back to me. It is bouncing off my skin, back into my body, collecting as a strange knot in my abdomen.

Draft autosaved at 9:50 AM

I think I feel like throwing up. I just took a deep breath. I think I forgot to keep breathing for the last few minutes. My automatic physical processes aren't being very automatic today.

Draft autosaved at 9:58 AM

Time is of the essence.

I spoke in Church

Awesome. I was asked to give a talk in Sacrament Meeting today. My goal was to say what I wanted to say without saying more than I know. In church I tend to kick into the somewhat brainwashed-6-year-old testimony where I say what I know should be said. I tried to speak slowly and carefully so that only what I believe and feel good about came out of my mouth, nothing more. It's really not a big deal, what I could have said would be doctrine, most likely, but some things I just don't know for myself right now, and I feel dishonest if I teach something and don't believe it myself. I think the congregation probably felt what I was doing, and maybe it scared some of them, but I felt honest and good about it. Cool.

I’m ready for change of some kind. In 2.5 more months my contract will be up and I’ll have the opportunity to move if I choose to. I love the people I’ve met here at Melrose, but I’m ready for change. I want to live with Barbara, I think. And I want to have my own house rules rather than those set by someone who has lived here 3 years longer than me. I feel babysat sometimes and that’s weird. I’m excited for change. I love it. I hope to find somewhere very close to campus. No further away than I am now. Patrick lives even closer than me, kind of, so I’m going to call his landlady who runs all the places on 13th apparently. I want to see if there’s a small apartment like Patch’s opening in January. He pays 300 and lives with Shawn, so if Barbara and I found another roommate we could all just pay 200. Cool. I’m annoyingly excited.

I’m very happy with who I am. I enjoy thinking and being. I think in sentences. I didn’t realize this until Professor Jackie Farnsworth mentioned that most people think in pictures or something and she thinks in letters and words and sentences. I think in practically full sentences. Yet I think quickly. My mind jumps from one thing to another incredibly fast.

I’m listening to The Devil Whale’s cd, Like Paraders. It’s great. I have a crush on Brinton Jones: his v-necks, long necklaces, pretty hair, wonderful voice. Good, good music.

The other day a large mirror, like... 3.5’ x 4.5’ was leaning against a dead end sign by a house just down the street. I sat by it for a while. Funny, looking at myself in a mirror while reading DEAD END. Then yesterday I sat by it again and noticed it said Take Me in the dust, so I decided I wanted it. Today after I went running (3rd day in a row. Congratulations Jessie), I put on some gloves and brought it home. Now I need to find somewhere to put it. I’m happy about it though. Very happy.

I play the devil’s advocate often. I think conflict is crucial for learning. We learn the most from people we disagree with. But by being this way I find myself in situations where I’m being taught by a majority. Today, for example. I raised some conflicting points and was taught/lectured/told, 4 against 1, how I was wrong. But I wasn’t wrong. I could have told them everything they were “teaching” me. I know that side, I just want them to hear the other side. And sometimes it gets too intense and I feel bad for bringing up conflict, but other times, like tonight, I learn and enjoy myself. And always, I learn more about the people I’m with. And I love it.

I ran past a couple little boys today and one started running with me but stopped when his mom yelled after him.

Oh! I met an interesting person at the public library tonight. His name is John. He’s 20 or 21. He dropped out of school and spends all his time at the library. He’s an artist. He makes music (today he recorded “14.6 minutes of gold” called Oh! I’m Sober -- October), writes always (has 60 pages of a book written on his computer), and makes art via ink and watercolor. He got married in Vegas on “let me check.. yep. April 12th.” And is in the process of divorce. He does drugs, not bad kind, but not this month, it’s sober October. He has enjoyed this month though, he likes waking up clearheaded and feels productive, so he will probably stay sober for more than October. He recently got laid off at work, some kind of warehouse on 33rd, because he didn’t work. He wore a t-shirt that I recognized, an orange bandana around his neck, black pants, and black bootshoes. His ears are “ruined,” so he’s going to ruin them more. They are gauged to about the size of ...eh.. somewhere between a nickel and a quarter. He says he’ll just be an old grandpa with SUPER huge ears. He believes in love. “Love is the greatest thing you’ll ever experience.” I asked if he’s loved anything not human. He said he’s in love with his life, the way he lives. He loves to read. He is very spiritual. He can get into others’ spirituality if they allow him to and has seen others’ spirit guides. I told him he should read Autobiography of a Skeptic. I said, so you want to be a writer? He said, “I don’t want to be a writer, I am a writer.” I was walking down the stairs and he waved to me from the tables along the curved wall and motioned for me to come over. He looked like Trent Nelson but his ears were gauged so I knew it wasn’t. I sat and talked with him for about an hour, maybe 50 minutes, and hardly told him anything about myself. I also met his friend Nicholas and Nicholas's “friend who is a girl” named Chelsea. John said he’s at the library everyday, from 9 to 9, and that he doesn’t eat. So next time I’m at the library I’m to look for him on the 3rd floor. He has small brown eyes and a perfect smile. I hope his book gets published.

I brought a can of soup, a can of pears, a yogurt, and two capri suns to Patrick’s today and listened to music from Bob Dylan to Will Sartain’s Dad’s album, Home.

John the Writer told me that he and Nicholas are best friends but take breaks from each other when they feel they are hindering each other's growth. Maybe Barbara and I should take a break. I think we are hindering each other. :(

Life is good

Life is good lately.

Barbara and I ride the scooter everywhere.


Patrick wants to start up a basketball team.

I am happy.

Peep

This is my life these days.

Chariot

I can’t help but smile at the boy in the red shirt with the white shoes as he passes me in the library. With Page France playing at the perfect volume in my ears I’d smile at anyone. My smile turns to a quickened heartbeat as I watch him walk away, exactly to the beat. He must be listening to the same song. For 12 seconds he and I are thinking, breathing, living to the same rhythm.

http://www.myspace.com/pfranceee

The Union

The Olpin Union lawn. I love this area of campus more than my bedroom, perhaps. The honeylocust trees create the same shade in Centerville as in Salt Lake City. I lay on the usual "grassy knoll" and it's Sunday afternoon, I'm on my front lawn reading with Michelle, Rob, Sara, waving to passing neighbors, trading sheets of comics, falling asleep to the smell of grass. The sound of the Union bells brings me back to now and I smile as I listen to Barbara's bursting laughter, Patrick's countless stories, Alison's account of busy schedules. I hear music on my left ear from over there and music on my right ear from over there. Bicycles bicycles bicycles. A beautiful fixie that I envy so much, that impractical double-weld receiving the attention it asks for, the freespirit, the peugeot, the dawes. Somehow they water the lawn at an invisible time so the grass is not even damp for the hours we sit. Alison went crazy about the bugs. I don't realize they exist until Patrick killed the beetle. Last year I'd sleep on the grass between Physics and Calculus. I'd wake to nearby slack-liners laughing or to the heat of the now lacking shade or to the deep bells telling me I was late and I'd walk into class smelling of summer grass, the print of which still on my face and arms. This year I sit in circles of people. Add two friends, Hello Kyle, nice to meet you Blade, minus 1 friend, have fun in History, add a couple more, Hi Erin, Hi Tony, welcome to our circle, goodbye Barbara, Institute is overrated, class at 2, goodbye friends. Until tomorrow. I try to stay on the grass to keep away from the bankers, the club presidents, the proactive volunteers. If they approach me I look at my friends as we talk as to not give the salesman too much comfort. Just leave us alone; I have an account, he has too much debt, she's with that other credit union, no I don't want a credit card, my mom says I don't need one. Can't we just have that football? So many people, so many haircuts, so many shoes, so many friends, so many legs, so many sunglasses, so many loners, so many ipods, so many ideas, so many. Hungry for a brownie I pay a visit to Slim Jim with the bow-tie. Welcome everybody! It's impossible to walk with Alison, with Barbara, they know too many people. I would love to read my book, but I know I'd only move my eyes left to right left to right and stare right through all 1531 pages, accidentally listening to College happen around me.

Breakfast

My family went through different breakfast phases: the year of the cereal, the year of the hot foods, the year of the granola, the year of the fruit drinks. During my cereal days, I’d eat Corn Flakes, Chex, Rice Crispies, Wheaties, Raisin Bran. Usually two bowls, or at least not one. Dad would read from the Book of Mormon while I read the backs of boxes. Around my bowl I’d build a small fort to hide behind as I ate. Bigger, taller boxes were most desirable, but smaller ones would do. The worst were the milk cartons—they’re not even square—hardly wall-like. I’d recommend using the cereal boxes that aren’t as popular. If two walls are up and you’re choosing between Life cereal and Raisin Bran for the third wall, go with Raisin Bran. This way you are less likely of being asked to pass your wall mid-read. Also, check to see if the asker really needs the box of cereal or if they are just trying to build a fort of their own, because breakfast forts are definitely in these days.

Bikes

Yesterday was fun and good:
-Earned 90 dollars donating plasma.
-Helped Colin, who is being evicted from his apartment, move to Angie’s.
-Went to noodles and co. with Colin and got pasta fresca. Jessca Fresca
-Sat on Colin’s neighbors porch drinking beer (and Arizona raspberry iced tea) with the neighbors, including a couple boys who work at the bike shop where colin and I bought our bike lights. One of them has an awesome tattoo mid forearm. It’s just two stripes, one thicker than the other. It’s great.
-Rode home with Sara and Ashley.
-Had a fun family bbq with everyone but deb scott and john. Clark, michelle’s bf, was there, as well as dave liffereth and heather rigby. We talked about and ranked our favorite fruits.
-Played old-fashion numchuck throwing game and tether ball for eva. My arm kills. Clark and I had to call a tie because our game was going so long and it was getting to dark to see anything but the light gleaming on the edge of the swinging ball. We had to just jump in front of it.
-Rode back home with sara. I love her so so much.
-Rode my bike around slc for a while then met up with Carter. We were chased away by sprinklers twice, talked about lighting on my face, and thought of at least 45 ways to commit suicide.
-Woke up today surprised to find Barbara, a new friend, in my roommates bed, rather than my roommate.

I want to learn about energy. I will go to the library. I haven't been there for months!

I had a super spiritual dream two nights ago. It freaked me out. I tried meditating in bed but fell asleep, then had a dream about God. I woke up feeling pretty drained and had a hymn stuck in my head. ?!?!?

Good books: Angela's Ashes and 'Tis. Both by Frank McCourt. He makes me want to write.

Today is lazy. It's what happens when I have to do laundry. There's an invisible war going on in the laundry room. Every time I go in there are new loads in the washer or dryer and my clothes will be wet, sitting atop the washer. I'll get it all through eventually.

I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride my bike. I want to ride my bicycle. I want to ride it where I like.

Bye.

sicle.

Forgetfulness

Forgetfulness
by Billy Collins

The name of the author is the first to go
followed obediently by the title, the plot,
the hearbreaking conclusion, the entire novel
which suddenly becomes one you have never read,
never even heard of,

as if, one by one, the memories you used to harbor
decided to retire to the southern hemisphere of the brain,
to a little fishing village where there are no phones.

Long ago you kissed the name of the nine Muses goodbye
and watched the quadratic equation pack its bag,
and even now as you memorize the order of the planets,

something else is slipping away, a state flower perhaps,
the address of an uncle, the capital of Paraguay.

Whatever it is you are struggling to remember,
it is not poised on the tip of your tongue,
not even lurking in some obscure corner of your spleen.

It has floated away down a dark mythological river
whose name begins with an L, as far as you can recall,
well on your way to oblivion where you will join those
who have even forgotten how to swim and how to ride a bicycle.

No wonder you rise in the middle of the night
to look up the date of a famous battle in a book on war.
No wonder the moon in the window seems to have drifted
out of a love poem that you used to know by heart.

Nothings

I sneezed in Physics while my pen was in my hand and I thought I had a mark on my nose. I needed a mirror. Or a friend.

I have decided on my answer to "Everything happens for a reason" and it is "False." Maybe there is a reason for everything that happens, but not everything happens for a reason. As a god believing person I think I'm supposed to think everything happens for a reason, but nah. I just don't agree. And maybe you can find something that comes from any given event, but the event doesn't happen to fufill this something, the something just happened to come about because of the event.

Bored of that already.

Guilt. There's an interesting subject. But I don't feel like elaborating on that one either. Maybe another day.

The other day I was watching a girl. She was sitting near me for a while. Then another girl walked into the room then back out a few seconds later. In those few seconds the girl I was watching looked girl #2 up and down then made a face of dislike. The expression was gone pretty quickly. It made me wonder how often I make facial expressions that I don't necessarily mean or want to be remembered for.

Funny that I saw a friend text someone unknown while smiling and it made me jealous. Kidding. Not funny. DUMB.

"It's hard for me to like her. She reminds me of someone from high school that I didn't like very much."
"That's like Japanese women for me."

Ha. I just remembered when a boy at church who served in a Spanish speaking mission spoke in Sacrament Meeting and referenced John as Juan without catching himself.

I'm sleepy.

Rant for Respect

I'm trying to lucid dream. I checked out a book from the library called Exploring the World of Lucid Dreaming by Stephen LaBerge and Howard Rheingold. It's teaching me how to lucid dream. I've yet to have one. But I'll get there. I feel very close :)

Sometimes if I'm holding my foot weird my arch will start to cramp up and almost do a charley horse, but I can move my foot before it happens. I've never had a full on charley horse. Then last night happened. I woke up and almost yelled/screamed in pain and I'm not a screaming in pain type of person. It was like my calf muscle was being squeezed between two planks or something. I can't describe it. It was the worse muscle cramp I've ever had. I couldn't move my leg. I had to just curl up and fall back asleep. I learned that I should have massaged it out. It was super sore today because of it. Seriously the weirdest thing, being woken up by that. Word is I should eat more bananas. Or drink more water. Or do a headstand before bed each night. Or touch my nose then jump three times then say magic 5 times then get in bed all in 4 seconds.

The following paragraphs are one continuous thought but for easier reading I'm breaking them up. Prepare yourself for my rant. They're rare.

So I'm getting a little annoyed. I don't usually get annoyed. I am a pretty relaxed person when it comes to getting along with people, even if they are crazy. But when it comes to the point where I feel like strangling someone I think I should do something about it, eh? My roommate Kylie is driving me insane. We are so opposite of each other it's almost funny. But it's not because she's so irritating. She does not understand that I love more than anything going to concerts and going to gallery strolls and to the library and to film festivals and such. I may leave my dorm alone on the weekends and sometimes spend the whole night alone, but I am completely satisfied with that. I often meet up with people I know and love to be with either by coincidence or on purpose, but if I don't, I don't care one bit. I love doing things by myself too. I've learned enough about myself in the past few months that I can keep myself entertained for days and days. She doesn't understand this at all. A weekend to Provo to go to a concert and to stay overnight with my sister is one of the most fun things I can do, but when she hears my plans for the weekend she says, "Jessie.. You're killing me.." And she's for real. It's literally painful for her to see what I do for fun.

There's a concert on Thursday at Kilby Court. It's Seve vs. Evan. I've seen them plenty, but a few fun friends are going to be there and it will be a great great dance party. I'd rather go to this than almost anything on Valentine's Night because it's a terrible holiday, but the girls are going to dinner. Kylie and her bf Tyler, Kristen, Chelsea and her friend Brett from down the hall, maybe a kid named Grant and a girl, etc.. they're all going to dinner. But I don't really want to go. Sure they're great, but combined, they just aren't the group of people I want to be seen with, honestly. This group is like the people form high school that you were so different from that you wouldn't even acknowledge them at the grocery store when only 2 of you were walking down the isle. I'm totally the odd one out. I don't mind, but I'd rather be doing something else with other people. I love Chelsea, my room roommate. I could spend hours with her, but she fits in with the group much better than me. Anyways, today right before we went to workout, Kylie said, "Jessie, you can't come to the gym with us unless you come to dinner Thursday." I said "No deal." I just wish she'd understand that the things she finds super fun I find super lame.

I'm perfectly okay with her hating my DI clothes, my weird hair, (oh, that's another thing. She always gives her opinion on my hair. Always. Today she said, "Jessie, you know how your hair is this length but choppy and layery? I think you should grow it out longer but keep it layery and choppy." She has commented on what she thinks I should do with my hair so much that I don't even respond to it anymore. I look at her while she talking but don't comment back and she doesn't think twice about that) my weird outfits, my odd music, whateva. I don't care that she disagrees with everything I am, but she has no room to try to change me. I am her opposite in almost everything. We really don't have anything in common. She's very "my way or the highway" style. And I refuse to do anything her way. Not just because I'm stubborn and rebellious like that, but also because her way is completely repulsive in all ways. I would bring this up with her, but honestly it would not change a thing. I'm very lucky to have Chelsea as a roommate. We have opposite views on PLENTY of things, but we respect each other enough to not care at all in the end. It's so great.

The weirdest thing about this is that I rarely get mad. I've been mad at my little brother a couple times and my parents a few times, but I'm over it very quickly. I don't hold onto things. So for me to actually be frustrated by someone is saying something. That's how bad it is. I guess what it boils down to is respect. If she would respect me enough to leave me alone I'd really, really appreciate it and probably genuinely respect her for that. Jeez. Girls are dramatic. I'm such a girl.

I like being busy.
I don't like being poor.
I like school.
I don't like Charlie horses.
I like getting to know new people.
I don't like being tied down by anyone.
I like freedom.
I don't like roller-skate blisters.
I like gauged ears. Sometimes.
I don't like any other facial piercing.
Except nose.. jewels? dots? I like nose dots.
I don't like girls.
I like boys.
I don't like dermographic urticaria.
I like chocolate fountains and pineapples.

The end shmend.

Thinking, Falling, Dancing (2.10.8)

One of the more awkward one seconds, I have found, is when the boy opens the door of the car, the girl climbs in, then for about 1 second, the girl just has to sit there while the boy shuts the door. For some reason that one second is ridiculously weird feeling. It's odd to already go for the seatbelt when the car won't be moving for another 15 seconds at least, but it's weird to just sit and stare at nothing. And never for the 7 or so seconds it takes for the boy to get in the car is my mind just resting. It's always racing with thoughts about who knows what. I may or may not be alone on this one second of awkwardness.

I fell so hard at Classic Skating. I fell 3 plus one half plus one half times. The two halves barely counted, but the last full out fall was Bad. I was cruising around the curve a little too fast and just completely ate it. But do not worry; I caught myself with my elbow and hip. Man it hurt. I had to get up and just casually make my way over to the bench with the body language of, "oh that? That didn't hurt at all. Really. I just got tired all of a sudden, that's all." I've always been like that, ever since I was little. I'm too tough to show when I get hurt. I don't like the sympathy and attention. I feel awkward. So I fake.

Oh cute, I just found a cute bruise on my knee. I think bruises are cool looking. I also have battle wounds on my anklebone from the inside of the roller skate. I like having injuries to show off.

It's amazing what dancing can do. I went to a concert. It was medium fun. During the last band I started feeling really drowsy, so I got up and started to dance. Then Tyler and Michelle did too. And then everyone around us did too. People were smiling and laughing and pointing. I was 10 times happier than I was mere minutes before. I got gross and sweaty but didn't care one bit. I love dancing. I used to hate it, but then I stopped caring about what I looked like. Now I love it.

I should work on an art project. Goodnight, computer keys.

’ffects of Irregularity. (2.8.8)

My neck is stiff. My hips are sore from working out with little Ty. My throat goes sore if I don't drink water every couple of moments. "Are you feeling healthy and well today?" Only if sleep works miracles.

nothing, nothing, nothing, then BAM. Multiple somethings. Please, for my own convenience, would you all meet up and talk out your plans of attack so I'm not put into the spotlight. But it is all put in perspective by Alexis. Thanks Marie.

Twenty six connected squares of Js, 18 connected squares of Bs. Jessie wins.

I scared my lovers. They thought I was dead. She said, you're the kind of person who would climb into a stranger's car and never come back. I felt terrible for being irresponsible. Eerie sponsible people are dumb.

Recent dreams and how I felt in them:
Witnessed a shooting; important.
I woke up and got ready for physics when I really didn't and was late; annoyed.
Walked around in high heels; proud.
Brother/mother Brian was 19 again; curious.
Brother Jared died for the second time in my dreams; sad.
Bought a new pair of white shoes; excited.

Ryan made lucid dreaming sound undesirable, but I still want to do it. Note to self: check out some sort of How To Lucid Dream book at library.

Goodnight Moon and Chelsea.

Net Charge (2.7.8)

Way too many vectors trying to add up to zero. Accidentally gave one too much space and now I have to go through the awkward thing of cutting it back again. Outside sources say I'm giving this too much thought, but only I know what kind of a person I am. Frustrated. Why love the alone time? Independence really throws things off sometimes.

Beatles, Beer, and Buyings. (2.2.8)

I went to a Beatles party last night. There was a plethora of Beatles paraphernalia at this house. It was amazing how many books and records and movies and posters he had. He, Austin, is a friend of Ryan Darton, a friend in my ward. There were a lot of people there, and a lot of them were wearing Beatles shirts or suits. It was the best Beatles party I've seen. There was also a lot of beer and smoking. Had I been brought to that party six months ago, I would have been uncomfortable. I wouldn't have been used to the beer and the kids going out for smokes and the smell of incense and all the swearing. Now, because I've lived with roommates and floor friends for 5 months who drink and party and swear like there's no tomorrow, I'm very used to it. It surprises me how used to it I feel. And the best part about it is that it still isn't desirable to me. I don't care to smoke or drink. I was talking with a friend named Tyler today at breakfast at the HC and he was saying that I don't not drink just because I'm Mormon, I don't drink because I choose not to. And this is very true. Chelsea is Mormon but chooses to drink. I just don't because I don't like not having control over my body. I don't like having something running through my blood that shouldn't be there. I don't not drink because I think I'll go to hell if I do, and I don't think people who do drink are going to hell, I just don't drink. But when I'm asked and I say I don't drink, it's almost always followed by Oh are you Mormon? Lot's of Mormons drink, but lots of people who don't drink happen to be Mormon, so the high correlation between not drinking and being assumed Mormon is just inevitable. The party was very fun though. I loved it. A guy who lived upstairs brought his guitar and amp down and played Beatles music for us. I was on the couch for hours just lying back enjoying the relaxed life. My weeks was so busy and stressful that it felt so good to just have a chill night while learning interesting facts about the Beatles and watching The Yellow Submarine.

Last week in Provo at my sister's apartment we sat for 10 minutes watching incense smoke. It's amazing. It looks like some material, maybe silk, in a gaseous state. I bought incense today and burned a half a stick. It's so fun to watch. I turned on some good music and just stared. So cool. Already someone asked if someone was smoking weed. I went down the hall and was sitting in Mark and Tyler's room and Jackie and Erica came down and asked that. I laughed. Chelsea doesn't like incense. When I came back to my room it still smelled very strong even though I put it out a while ago. I opened the window to air it out. I don't mind it. I like it, actually. It relaxes me, I think. It might give me a headache, but I don't know yet. So hopefully Chelsea won't hate it (she's in Ogden this weekend) when she get's back and we'll be able to just burn some a tiny bit at a time.

I spent exactly 60 dollars at D.I. today. I bought:
A pair of shoes, 4 dollars
A pair of dress ish shoes, 4 dollars
A brown skirt, 5 dollars
A pink and brown skirt, 5 dollars
A brown sweater, 5 dollars
A pink sweater, 5 dollars
A white and colorful sweater, 4 dollars
A striped sweater, 5 dollars
A blue coat, 8 dollars
A yellow coat, 15 dollars

I spent 42 ish dollars at Smith's today. I bought:
A shot glass for my roommate, 3.39 It reads, "Eat drink and be merry, tomorrow you may be in Utah. She's from New York. She loves it and is already using it.
Some Nylons. Grandma style, I know. 5 dollars
Bite size Rice Cakes, 1.99
A box of Fruity Pebbles, her favorite cereal, for Chelsea, 2.28
3 Headbands to keep my hair back when running, 9 dollars
3 pairs of gloves, 1.47 a piece
1 bag of Cadbury Eggs, 2 dollars
3 packs of Incense, 3 dollars
An incense burner, 1.49
The first ring I've ever bought for more than 25 cents, 12.50

I wish I had the gift of tongues. I want to speak every language. This was my thought when helping a German couple get somewhere today. He spoke a little bit of English, but she hardly did. I just wish I could have started speaking in German fluently. Across from me in my drawing class is 3 boys, all returned missionaries. One speaks Spanish, one speaks Russian, and one speaks a plethora of languages from the Philippians. I think it's so cool. If missions do nothing else, at least they teach some boys to speak fluently in a foreign language in 2 years.

Buenas noches

Lists of 10 (1.30.8)

10 things that angered me
1. My left pant leg keeps slipping under my shoe getting wet from the snow but my right one does not.
2. I feel like I'm going deaf; everyone in physics is whispering?!? Especially my teacher! And the lights are off!?!
3. My book, The Secret Life of Bees, ended happily when I thought it would end not so happy.
4. My brand new blue pen is somewhat inconsistent in its ink distribution.
5. Abercrombie and Fitch's advertising pictures. I thought they were advertising clothing, not the lack thereof.
6. Text from google saying "System is temporarily down. Please try again later."
7. "Oh, we borrowed your pink blanket. Is that alright?" "Oh, I took the back to that earring until tomorrow when I go home."
8. "Fat Free Neon Worms" failed miserably: Kristen's worms are 5 times better, mine hurt my tongue.
9. Waking up at 1:47 PM.
10. Purse shopping for the first time in my life.


10 things that pleased me
1. Boy trying to inconspicuously hold up his pant legs while walking.
2. Alando being so happy about my sweatshirt.
3. The man with the small small child strapped to his front walking on President's Circle.
4. We're saving the world by keeping the lights off in Physics.
5. Rob got 4 strikes in a row! And he beat everyone! Even Hector by one point!
6. The blind man and woman walking up 21st South together with their red and white poles bouncing everywhere. Just looking out for each other. Well, sort of.
7. "Smile Given By: Allie H." on Hot Dog on a Stick receipt.
8. Seven men in uniform watching one crank the car onto the tow-truck. I think policemen like being in on the action as much as we like slowing down to watch it.
9. Kristen the considerate sick Ninja
10. "Jessie and Alexis- Friendship log- 2 hours"

Just random things on 1.20.8

Funny line from the Iliad = "Then each man looked about him for a way to escape the sheer death." Hahah. Homer is funny.

Luckily I am not very set on making Andy be attracted to me. He tells me "You would be so hot if you were to grow you hair out and not wear your glasses." Thanks friend.

10 hours ago I made a list of 9 things to do today and have done none of them.

"My hot chocolate gave me heartburn. What am I? Fifty years old?" –Quincey Cummings. It made me laugh.

I don't like simply holding the delete button to delete quickly, so instead I tap it with my pointer finger then index finger back and forth really fast. It's very fun.

They glued in the buttons of the dorm rooms so the doors will always be locked. We used to be able to unlock them. People have found that if you just jiggle the knob a lot it sometimes will pop out for you and you can have the choice again. But mine won't unpop. It's annoying. And I think people have been complaining about this because a couple days ago we got an email saying some guy was seen my building at 3 in the morning turning the knobs and pushing against the doors, trying to get in. I think it's a lie. I think they are trying to scare us into being grateful for the glued buttons and into keeping our doors locked always.

Just another myspace survey. (1.20.8)

1. Who was the last person you hung out one-on-one with?
I'd have to say Eric, the boy I met in my ward today because we sat at the "Mingle" for about 30 minutes talking then he gave me a ride home. That counts.

2. Do you think you're approachable?
Apparently, yes. Odd men often talk to me on Trax or anywhere I go. People ask me for directions over other people around me. I remember a moment of my past when I was walking down my hallway towards the living room where my sister was sitting on the couch and she looked at me and asked "What's wrong?" and I said "Nothing" because nothing was wrong, I was just walking, thinking of nothing as young children do and she said "Oh, you just look sad when nothing is wrong." I've noticed that a lot of people on campus and in slc in general look sad when nothing is wrong. They keep their eyes focused on something in front of them and let their mouths droop down or hold their lips stern. But since the time my sister said I looked sad, I usually purposely have a hidden smile of my face. Not a regular old smile, but one that is under my skin that shows that I am happy. Happy is the opposite of sad, so unless I am sad, I like to look happy, even if I am concerned or stressed or tired or bored or other negative looking emotions because those aren't the opposite of happy. Only opposite things can't exist simultaneously, like light and dark or God and Satan. Plus, many studies have been done that show that while being happy can make you smile, smiling also makes you feel happier. So maybe that's why I'm a pretty happy person- I've been smiling under my skin for over a decade. And I suppose that also makes me approachable.

3. How do you feel about the person you kissed last?
"I have a crush on every boy." –Team Girl Squad, The Ugly One

4. Regret doing anything in the past week?
Yes. 4 things.

5. Last awkward moment?
Friday.

6. Name 3 things everyone knows about you?
Wow. Everyone? That's really hard. Because if you think about it, so many people know me. People I see on campus but have never talked to, people who wander upon my myspace, people who have seen me crossing a street downtown. Lots of people know me. I'm probably safe with 1. I am a girl. But I can't think of anything else. I was going to say 2. I have brown hair. But I don't know if everyone who has ever seen me has seen my brown hair. I was also going to say 3. I speak English, but based off of appearance you can't always make that assumption. What a lousy question.

7. When a friend walks out of your life, do you go after them or let them go?
I'm not sure a friend has ever just walked out of my life. I guess I can think of one single person who has walked out of my life, and I let them go. But then we became okay friends again later. But usually I go after them to keep things not awkward.

8. What do you do when a telemarketer calls?
At home we had the handy "You have reached a number that does not accept solicitation. If you are a solicitor, please something something something." So we didn't get those calls. But when I get a call from a number I don't know on my cell phone I don't answer. Telemarketers don't leave messages.

9. Would you go a month without washing your hair for 5,000 dollars?
Oh yes. But I would also wear a sign saying "I'm getting paid 5 grand for not washing my hair for one month." as soon as it started looking disgusting. I think about what people think of me all the time, even though I pretend not to.

10. Would you cry if you found out you were pregnant?
Seeing that I am unmarried, 18, in college, and broke, yes. If I was married, 30, and expecting it, no.

11. Have you been pressured to do anything recently?
Well duh. 1. Go tanning- something I don't do. 2. Go to a movie on Sunday- something I don't do. 3. Drink- something I don't do. 4. Watch R movies- something I don't do, but have. 5. Stay up late when I have early class or church the next day. 6. Change my appearance. The list goes on. But it's fine, I don't mind being pressured.

12. Who are you voting for in 2008?
I have not decided yet.

13. How many kids do you want? Boys/Girls? Names?
Many. Kids with 7 siblings come out of it either hating big families or loving them. My 7 siblings are my best friends, so I want a big family- anywhere from 7 up. If I have less that's okay I suppose, but I could even have 11 or 12. Lots of boys and lots of girls. I don't mind how many of each. A family of all boys would be fun and funny, but a family of all girls would be harder. But really, any amount of either works great. But who knows, right? I like a few names, like Jude or Judy, Conrad, and Sam, but I don't really know. They've got to be good names though. Good names = good kids.

14. What is in your purse?
I don't have a purse, actually. I have been using my roommate's purse. In it is my case less camera (I need to buy a case to protect the screen. It's on my To Do list), a trax schedule, the my dorm key on a lacrosse key chain, my pink notebook, a black pen, my wienerschnitzel wallet, a black pair of gloves, a Guatemalan change purse, an empty water bottle, a sketch book, chapstick, and a book. It's a very big purse. I'm going to go buy one similar to it because it's nice to be able to carry around everything I own in it. But it costs 72 dollars. That's why I don't like being a girl who is supposed to be a woman.

15. What outfit do you have on at this exact moment?
A blue skirt with blue flowers and ribbon on it, green and white striped underwear, a white camisole, a white shirt, a grey quarter length zip up jacket/shirt, and blue loop beaded earrings.

16. what color are your eyes?
Hazel, but pretty green, which I am so happy about. They used to be browner and I've always wanted green.

17. How can you tell if it is love or lust?
Lust is selfish. Love is not.

18. Do you have your tonsils and wisdom teeth?
Yes sir. My mother had her wisdom teeth until she was almost 50. I want to keep mine forever. They are growing in but I'm not going to tell my dentist because I don't want him to take them while I'm not looking. Plus, the milk we drink these days makes it so we can't fit all our teeth in. If we drank raw milk- not pasteurized and processed and such- we could keep all our teeth. My family drinks raw milk. We have a cow in my brother's room. And I'm going to have my family drink raw milk when I grow up so that we can all keep our wisdom teeth.

19. What side of the bed do you sleep on?
The side closest to the wall, otherwise I might fall 6 feet.

20. Do you like your significant other to be aggressive or passive?
Both.

21. Would you rather go camping or to a 5 star hotel?
Either. I love love love camping but I also love hotels.

22. When did you last cry?
At Applebee's on Friday night. Trent and I were having a staring contest. I won.
And the time before that was at the Union while laughing to tears with Alexis, a newfound friend. She brings out the funniest in me. But real crying? If I remember correctly, December 28th.

23. Do you have any siblings?
Only 7. Plus 2 brothers-in-law, which I count, as well as a girlfriend-in-not-law.

24. Have you kissed anyone in your top friends?
You can't see my top friends, but no.

25. What's your worst habit?
Interrupting people- thinking I know what they are going to say it so I finish it for them. I have to admit, I'm often right, and they say "Yeah exactly!" or what not, but it is really really really annoying and inconsiderate and rude.

26. The status of you and the last person you texted is..?
We are friends.

27. Do you want to be in a relationship right now?
Not enough to seek after one, but if one that was 100 percent awesome fell upon me, I wouldn't run away. (but I reserve the right to change my mind even if a good one does fall upon me. I tend to do that)

28. Can you tear a phonebook in half?
A page at a time, yes. Or if it was on top of someone I was trying to save or something. You know, like when someone can lift a car when it's smashing their child because of the crazy things our bodies can do? Like that.

29. Do you like your current relationship status?
Surely.

30. Do you still talk to the last person you dated?
Yes.

31. How many people did you kiss this winter?
Lame. I'm bored of these kissy relationship type questions. I refuse to answer.

32. If you could own a non-traditional pet what would it be?
A snake, if that's considered non-traditional. That's pretty traditional for my family though.

33. Are you okay with ex's being friends with their ex's?
As in a boy I've dated in my past being friends with a girl he has dated in the past? Yes. I have no say over that type of thing when it comes to ex's. I get jealous, but I am also the biggest hypocrite possible on this subject, so I can't be not okay with it.

34. Would you rather feel pain or be numb?
I've never felt pain when I could have the option of being numb, so I don't know. But I don't like being numb at all.

35. Do you find it easier to forgive or forget?
I swear forgetting only honestly happens when forgiveness comes first. So I'd have to say forgive.

36. Do you like competition?
Yep. Except when I lose at something that I could have won. If there wasn't a chance, it's all just fun and games, but if I could have been best at something, I get really competitive.

37. Would you ever stay with someone just because you didn't want to break their heart?
It's happened, but after about a week of being dishonest with myself I decided to be honest with them. My happiness is much more important than anyone else's. Sorry.

38. Have you ever taken anyone/anything for granted?
My best friends growing up had 3 wheelers that I loved to ride. But I love them just as much, so I didn't feel terrible.

Ha. I thought that question said take advantage of anyone. I'm not changing my answer.

39. Do you hate being alone?
Ha. No sir. I love it. I could keep myself entertained by myself for the rest of my life. Not that I want to, necessarily, but I could. And I do very often.

40. Has anyone ever broken your heart?
Hah. Well, in a way. I didn't cry over the time I thought someone had broken my heart. I didn't know then how broken a heart could be. But in ways, yes.

41. Do you still love them with all the little pieces?
This question does not deserve to be answered.

42. Would you cheat on your boyfriend/girlfriend if Brad Pitt/Angelina Jolie showed up?
As desirable as Angelina is, no.

43. Last time you went swimming in a pool?
Lava Hot Springs on New Years Eve with the familia. That's not really a pool though. Hot tub with my family on Thanksgiving? Hm. A real pool.. probably during the summer at my best friend's cousin's house.

44. Where was the last place you went shopping?
The D.I.

45. How do you feel about your hair?
Do I really want to explain on this one? The answer could go for ages. In brief though, I feel like it is expressive and interesting but I use it as a defense mechanism at the same time.

46. How do you feel about dating co-workers?
I did once. And have had crushes on others. But I'd advice against it unless it works out great.

48. Can women and men be "just friends"?
I'm disappointed in the lame dating questions. But yes, of course, idiots.

49. Last restaurant you went to?
Chili's with my roommates last night. It was so good. I got an amazing chicken salad that I will probably get again next time I go there which will probably be sooner than later now that I know if it's goodness. Then we shared these amazing warm cakes with ice cream on top. Really, it was one of the best meals I've had all for a while.

50. Do you miss anyone right now?
Yes, many people. What a dumb question to end on. I'll add another.

51. If there were two pens on your desk of the exact same brand and appearance, but one was blue and one was black, which would you pick up?
Black. I've had too many lousy blue pens.