Something has to be wrong; Friday night I went to sleep at 6:20 AM and slept until 1:30 PM. 7 hours. Saturday night I went to sleep at 6 AM and woke up at 10 AM. 4 hours. Now it is Sunday night, 12:54 AM and I think logically I should be really tired. I'm not. Also, Saturday I ate a couple fruit leathers, a pack of fruit snacks, a handful of mini marshmallows, a nutty bar, and a fourth of a tortilla. Today I ate a bowl of rice, a few chuncks of chicken, half a bag of kettle corn, a bowl of fruit loops, and a bowl of ice cream. I am so messed up. Starting tomorrow my life will be improved in the following ways:
1. I will again carry my water bottle around everywhere and try to drink at least 6 bottles throughout the day.
2. I will eat something besides sugar cereal every morning for breakfast. I will eat a salad BEFORE anything else at lunch or dinner if not both. Then I will only have a soft serve ice cream cone once every couple of days.
3. I will be in bed, off my computer, by 11 o'clock, no later than 11:30, on weeknights.
4. I will wake up at 6:00 Monday Wednesday and Friday and be on time to all my classes. I will wake up at 7:00 Tuesday Thursday and go to Institute and be on time to all my classes.
That is all. This won't be terribly impossible, but it will call for some discipline.
Last night my Mom sent me a text that said "Be wise in your choices, Jess." I don't know what made her send that, but it got me thinking. I feel like lately I've been making responsible, wise, mature, constructive choices. It certainly doesn't appear that way looking at my eating and sleeping habits of the past 3 days, but I really feel that lately I've made more positive, forwarding choices than ever in life. Spiritually, Intelectually, Socially, Emotionally, Educationally, etc. I'm quite proud of myself with some of the choices I've made, or not made. I enjoy having agency in all I do.
This is my horoscope for October 1st. I find it iteresting. And it sort of fits a conversation I very recently had:
Someone with a powerful spiritual vision has recently entered your life and now the message becomes even clearer. Although you are open to what is being said, you have sense enough to accept the teaching or to reject it if it doesn't jive with your outlook. Don't be afraid to trust your instincts, for it's possible that you might already know what you need.
I had a very unproductive day. I didn't really enjoy it. I hope I have a better Monday. Goodnight.
9.30.7
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Monday, September 24, 2007
PDA
In high school, I'd see couples cudding or holding hands or rubbing noses or even kissing in the hallways or little cut outs or under stairs. It was always gross, but usually funny and a little entertaining. It was sometimes even understandable because the two little kids probably didn't have anywhere else to kiss besides the car or something. Now that I'm in college though, it has moved from funny and entertaining to just gross and annoying. Sqealing and giggling and making kissing noises is not okay. Especially not in the public study area of the Union Building on the really comfortable leather couches. A. No one wants to see or hear you. Sure, you have a crush on each other, but you are really, really distracting. B. You were on the really comfortable leather couch for like 5 hours! I was there all day too! I wanted that couch. I was on the one next to you for a bit but felt ultra awkward so I ran away. I got some food at the cafeteria on the next floor, looked down like 30 minutes later, and you were still at it! Just spooning and cuddling and kissing and flirting. Bleh. I felt embarrassed for you. C. You are in college. Don't either of you have a dorm or appartment or house where you could go kiss and cuddle?!? It the homework lab your only option?? Sad. D. You kept trying to hide the fact that you were kissing but your bodies were practically glued to each other. If you are going to be that close and touchy, might as well be making out. Seriously.
That's the end of my rant.
That's the end of my rant.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Frustrations
I want to go sleep on that really, really comfortable black couch so bad, but I am afraid of drooling, sleep talking, sleeping with my eyes part open, or something else weird. Oh no. Someone just layed down on it. I'll get the courage to go steal it as soon as he gets up.
I figured out last night that I came into my freshman year with 31 credits. That's a lot I think. Maybe not, but that's practically one year of school already done. But not really, it just feels good to say that.
I want to Study Abroad in Italy next fall. I'm so serious about it that from now on I'm saying Next Fall I am studying abroad in Italy. Then it's more convincing. Because everyone wants to study abroad, but who actually does? Me.
I feel like I have so much to say about so many things, but I can't figure out any of it. It's all just a jumbled mess in my mind. I can't even list topics of thought. It's so frustrating. This is why I wish I took a speech class. I still could..
That's the problem with already wanting to do Architecture- I already have the next 6 years of school so packed. It's like registering for 7th grade when you get the little table and you see that you only get to choose like 2 electives, but by your senior year you get to choose everything but English. I can barely choose one elective a year, let alone a semester. There are so many classes I want to take. I already applied and have been accepted to Salt Lake Community College and will be taking drafting classes this summer, but last night I decided I want to do summer semester here at the U at the same time. I am already going to be in school for 6 years, plus a 3 year internship, and that's with just Architecture. If I wanted to take more classes, like speech or debate or philosophy or writing or drawing, I'll need a couple extra semesters. So I should still plan on graduating in 6 years, but throw in a few summer semesters. So when 6 years is usually 12 semesters, for me it will be more like 15 or 16 semesters.
I need more money. I have a scholarship, but I need more. Not for me, I can live for the next 6 years without buying much clothing or 'stuff,' but I need money for school. If I do well enough I should be able to find someone to help me with schooling. I need to search for applications everywhere. Then I can collect a bunch of scholarships and not have to pay. And my parents wouldn't have to pay either. Please send all donations to Jessica Gilmore 611 Heritage Center SLC UT 84112-2009. Thanks.
I wish I had done better in Biology and Calculus my junior year. Those were my lowest grades. They brought my GPA down. I could have done better. I could have come out of High School with a 4.0. Why was I so lazy?!? I should have studied for the ACT and done better. I should have taken the SAT. I should have tried harder. Just because all my siblings went to BYU or USU or BYUI or BYUH, why in the world shouldn't I be at Princeton or Harvard or Yale or Stanford? Dang it. I'm a failure. I'm mad at myself right now. I need to stop.
I want to work and earn money to help me with college, but I want to get the best grades I possibly can. I want to play lacrosse more than anything, but I want to get the best grades I possibly can. I'm pretty positive I still won't get a job, but I don't think I'll be giving up lacrosse quite yet. I know I'd regret it. And I love it. But what if my grades suffer? Even lacrosse isn't worth losing my scholarship. DANG IT!!!
The couch is free. I'm out.
Love Jessica Gilmore
I figured out last night that I came into my freshman year with 31 credits. That's a lot I think. Maybe not, but that's practically one year of school already done. But not really, it just feels good to say that.
I want to Study Abroad in Italy next fall. I'm so serious about it that from now on I'm saying Next Fall I am studying abroad in Italy. Then it's more convincing. Because everyone wants to study abroad, but who actually does? Me.
I feel like I have so much to say about so many things, but I can't figure out any of it. It's all just a jumbled mess in my mind. I can't even list topics of thought. It's so frustrating. This is why I wish I took a speech class. I still could..
That's the problem with already wanting to do Architecture- I already have the next 6 years of school so packed. It's like registering for 7th grade when you get the little table and you see that you only get to choose like 2 electives, but by your senior year you get to choose everything but English. I can barely choose one elective a year, let alone a semester. There are so many classes I want to take. I already applied and have been accepted to Salt Lake Community College and will be taking drafting classes this summer, but last night I decided I want to do summer semester here at the U at the same time. I am already going to be in school for 6 years, plus a 3 year internship, and that's with just Architecture. If I wanted to take more classes, like speech or debate or philosophy or writing or drawing, I'll need a couple extra semesters. So I should still plan on graduating in 6 years, but throw in a few summer semesters. So when 6 years is usually 12 semesters, for me it will be more like 15 or 16 semesters.
I need more money. I have a scholarship, but I need more. Not for me, I can live for the next 6 years without buying much clothing or 'stuff,' but I need money for school. If I do well enough I should be able to find someone to help me with schooling. I need to search for applications everywhere. Then I can collect a bunch of scholarships and not have to pay. And my parents wouldn't have to pay either. Please send all donations to Jessica Gilmore 611 Heritage Center SLC UT 84112-2009. Thanks.
I wish I had done better in Biology and Calculus my junior year. Those were my lowest grades. They brought my GPA down. I could have done better. I could have come out of High School with a 4.0. Why was I so lazy?!? I should have studied for the ACT and done better. I should have taken the SAT. I should have tried harder. Just because all my siblings went to BYU or USU or BYUI or BYUH, why in the world shouldn't I be at Princeton or Harvard or Yale or Stanford? Dang it. I'm a failure. I'm mad at myself right now. I need to stop.
I want to work and earn money to help me with college, but I want to get the best grades I possibly can. I want to play lacrosse more than anything, but I want to get the best grades I possibly can. I'm pretty positive I still won't get a job, but I don't think I'll be giving up lacrosse quite yet. I know I'd regret it. And I love it. But what if my grades suffer? Even lacrosse isn't worth losing my scholarship. DANG IT!!!
The couch is free. I'm out.
Love Jessica Gilmore
Thoughts of 9.13.7
(written 9.13.7)
I slept through institute this morning. I get so mad at myself when things like that happen. I feel like a failure and just lie back down, even if I could hurry and make the last half. I just don't like being late to things. I am proud of myself for wanting to go to institute though. At least I feel bad about missing it.
Music still amazes me. What is does to my mood is crazy! Today at the Union a bunch of local bands played all day, including Kid Theodore. I have so much fun watching them play. Their music is great. I was so happy and satisfied with life. A few high school friends saw me at sat with me and we all just lauged and had so much fun. I didn't care about anything in the world. I didn't even remember I was starving until they had stopped playing. Then I heard another band I enjoyed called good morning maxfield. They made me happy too, but no one was there and I wanted more people to hear them.
I need an Ipod. Carrying a cd player around is just hard. I have to keep it in my hands or else it skips. And sometimes I have the urge to listen to a certain song but I only have that one cd with me, or I don't even have that certain song on cd, only on my computer. :(
The battle between walking everywhere and taking the shuttle is getting more heated daily. I love walking to watch people and see things and hear things and for the exercise, but time is becoming more and more valuable. It takes me about 22 minutes to get from my room to my furthest class. I used to walk home when I had the time to in between classes, but now I just carry a heavier backpack and stay down on campus all day. I love it, but by the end of the day by back is tired and the shuttle is so tempting. I just keep refusing to take it though. Once I start walking it's no big deal, but when I stop and stand looking in the direction of the shuttle stop I can hardly keep myself from walking to it. It this strange personal battle I have to win by not riding it, but I know eventually it will be the smarter thing to do.
I just had an interesting conversation with 2 people. I'll write it in a different blog.
I laughed out loud yesterday when older men, probably professors, jogged by me on campus. As they passed, one said to another, "How many pounds of styrofoam can you fit in your car?"
My teeth hurt. I have braces. They keep boys away.
I feel like I lost like 50 shirts in the process of moving from home to college.
I want to play lacrosse so bad right now. The boys have already started practicing! Why have we not even held tryouts yet?!? I want an Ipod. I want a mac computer. I want A's in all my classes. I want to study in Italy next year. I want to find some really cool friends that aren't too clingy or needy. I want to read more. I want to eat healthier. I want to drink more. I want to take my vitamins regularly. I want to learn sign language faster. I want to get rid of my cell phone. I want to understand physics. I want to invent something. I want to suck up to all my teachers. I want to be an astronaut so so bad. I want to reach every goal I set. I want to win a million dollars. I want to know everything. I want to pass guitar hero on expert. I want to learn to play the harmonica. I want to delete a bunch of numbers from my phone. I want to see what heaven is like. I want to rid myself of pointless friendships and strengthen the important ones. I want to go for a run. I want to pass my test tomorrow.
It's hard for me to picture my future. Not even 2 years in the future. Right now everything is changing.
I'd rather skip my physics class tomorrow than go unprepared for the test. Being knowingly and willingly unprepared is a sickening feeling. I'd rather study right now than skip my physics class tomorrow. I hate missing class.
I slept through institute this morning. I get so mad at myself when things like that happen. I feel like a failure and just lie back down, even if I could hurry and make the last half. I just don't like being late to things. I am proud of myself for wanting to go to institute though. At least I feel bad about missing it.
Music still amazes me. What is does to my mood is crazy! Today at the Union a bunch of local bands played all day, including Kid Theodore. I have so much fun watching them play. Their music is great. I was so happy and satisfied with life. A few high school friends saw me at sat with me and we all just lauged and had so much fun. I didn't care about anything in the world. I didn't even remember I was starving until they had stopped playing. Then I heard another band I enjoyed called good morning maxfield. They made me happy too, but no one was there and I wanted more people to hear them.
I need an Ipod. Carrying a cd player around is just hard. I have to keep it in my hands or else it skips. And sometimes I have the urge to listen to a certain song but I only have that one cd with me, or I don't even have that certain song on cd, only on my computer. :(
The battle between walking everywhere and taking the shuttle is getting more heated daily. I love walking to watch people and see things and hear things and for the exercise, but time is becoming more and more valuable. It takes me about 22 minutes to get from my room to my furthest class. I used to walk home when I had the time to in between classes, but now I just carry a heavier backpack and stay down on campus all day. I love it, but by the end of the day by back is tired and the shuttle is so tempting. I just keep refusing to take it though. Once I start walking it's no big deal, but when I stop and stand looking in the direction of the shuttle stop I can hardly keep myself from walking to it. It this strange personal battle I have to win by not riding it, but I know eventually it will be the smarter thing to do.
I just had an interesting conversation with 2 people. I'll write it in a different blog.
I laughed out loud yesterday when older men, probably professors, jogged by me on campus. As they passed, one said to another, "How many pounds of styrofoam can you fit in your car?"
My teeth hurt. I have braces. They keep boys away.
I feel like I lost like 50 shirts in the process of moving from home to college.
I want to play lacrosse so bad right now. The boys have already started practicing! Why have we not even held tryouts yet?!? I want an Ipod. I want a mac computer. I want A's in all my classes. I want to study in Italy next year. I want to find some really cool friends that aren't too clingy or needy. I want to read more. I want to eat healthier. I want to drink more. I want to take my vitamins regularly. I want to learn sign language faster. I want to get rid of my cell phone. I want to understand physics. I want to invent something. I want to suck up to all my teachers. I want to be an astronaut so so bad. I want to reach every goal I set. I want to win a million dollars. I want to know everything. I want to pass guitar hero on expert. I want to learn to play the harmonica. I want to delete a bunch of numbers from my phone. I want to see what heaven is like. I want to rid myself of pointless friendships and strengthen the important ones. I want to go for a run. I want to pass my test tomorrow.
It's hard for me to picture my future. Not even 2 years in the future. Right now everything is changing.
I'd rather skip my physics class tomorrow than go unprepared for the test. Being knowingly and willingly unprepared is a sickening feeling. I'd rather study right now than skip my physics class tomorrow. I hate missing class.
Spouse, not best friend.
(spoken and written 9.13.7)
Me = Jessie
Kristen = Suitemate (girl who's dorm is connected to mine through bathroom) from New York
Remmington = Boy a few doors down
Remmington: So is Sam coming to the concert tomorrow?
Me: No, he's not a Format fan
Remmington: So what! He's your boyfriend!
Me: No, I told you, we're not dating anymore.
Remmington: I know. Why'd you even break up?
Me: I thought it'd be easier this way. And I plan on dating him in the future, so it's okay. I could marry him. But right now it is okay for us not to be together.
Remmington: You're only 18, you shouldn't be thinking of marriage!
Me: I don't want to get married until I'm like 23 or so.
Remmington: Ha! Funny. (Looks at Kristen who is doing her homework)
Kristen: Haha yeah, the rest of the world doesn't get married until 29 or 30.
Me: I think marriage will be fun. Think about it, living with your best friend. It'd be So fun.
Remmington: But having sex with your best friend??
Me: Sure. Why wouldn't my husband be my best friend? Don't you want your wife to be your best friend?
Remmington: My best friend would be a boy.
Kristen: My best friend would be a girl.
Me: Well sure I have those best friends but my husband will be my best friend too.
Remmington: Friend. Singular. Either a best friend, or someone to have sex with. They can't be the both.
Me: You guys are messed up. I'm done with this conversation. I'm going back to my room. Have fun studying.
I don't get it.
(edited)
Me = Jessie
Kristen = Suitemate (girl who's dorm is connected to mine through bathroom) from New York
Remmington = Boy a few doors down
Remmington: So is Sam coming to the concert tomorrow?
Me: No, he's not a Format fan
Remmington: So what! He's your boyfriend!
Me: No, I told you, we're not dating anymore.
Remmington: I know. Why'd you even break up?
Me: I thought it'd be easier this way. And I plan on dating him in the future, so it's okay. I could marry him. But right now it is okay for us not to be together.
Remmington: You're only 18, you shouldn't be thinking of marriage!
Me: I don't want to get married until I'm like 23 or so.
Remmington: Ha! Funny. (Looks at Kristen who is doing her homework)
Kristen: Haha yeah, the rest of the world doesn't get married until 29 or 30.
Me: I think marriage will be fun. Think about it, living with your best friend. It'd be So fun.
Remmington: But having sex with your best friend??
Me: Sure. Why wouldn't my husband be my best friend? Don't you want your wife to be your best friend?
Remmington: My best friend would be a boy.
Kristen: My best friend would be a girl.
Me: Well sure I have those best friends but my husband will be my best friend too.
Remmington: Friend. Singular. Either a best friend, or someone to have sex with. They can't be the both.
Me: You guys are messed up. I'm done with this conversation. I'm going back to my room. Have fun studying.
I don't get it.
(edited)
My Twin Brothers
(written 9.6.7)
I miss my twin brothers, Jared and Mckay. They make a great team. They could always make me smile, even when I came home crying. I appreciate them more now that I'm gone than when I lived at home. I have healthy, solid relationships with both and am quite grateful. I thought Michelle was crazy when she'd come home and be obsessed with Jared's humor. His jokes were so old and dry- almost like Dad's. I thought I'd be very glad to finally get away from that little brother. I was completely wrong. He's one of the funniest boys I know, and Mckay adds to it all. I'm so happy they are my friends.
I miss my twin brothers, Jared and Mckay. They make a great team. They could always make me smile, even when I came home crying. I appreciate them more now that I'm gone than when I lived at home. I have healthy, solid relationships with both and am quite grateful. I thought Michelle was crazy when she'd come home and be obsessed with Jared's humor. His jokes were so old and dry- almost like Dad's. I thought I'd be very glad to finally get away from that little brother. I was completely wrong. He's one of the funniest boys I know, and Mckay adds to it all. I'm so happy they are my friends.
The New Kid
(written 9.6.7)
In the short while that I haven't known you, you've become someone I really don't know. I can almost say I'm okay not knowing you. Physically you looked different- a little like everyone else. Your manners are less refined than when I knew you. You are rough, loud, rude, immature. You don't care about me like you did, and like I thought you always would. Seeing you doesn't make me sorry for myself anymore, but sorry for you. Is it you, or is it I who has changed? I wonder where you've gone, and when you're coming back.
In the short while that I haven't known you, you've become someone I really don't know. I can almost say I'm okay not knowing you. Physically you looked different- a little like everyone else. Your manners are less refined than when I knew you. You are rough, loud, rude, immature. You don't care about me like you did, and like I thought you always would. Seeing you doesn't make me sorry for myself anymore, but sorry for you. Is it you, or is it I who has changed? I wonder where you've gone, and when you're coming back.
Some Light Thoughts 9.4.7
(written 9.4.7)
I have lots and lots of thoughts at this moment. So many I can hardly function. So I'm going to type them now, even though they aren't very blog worthy or of literary note. I just don't feel like writing well right now. I just want to type. I've come to love typing. It's so so fun letting my fingers just fly around. I love it.
I listened to Ok Ikumi today as I walked to the bookstore and then to Walmart. That music, along with the Amazing storm that came within about 15 minutes, made it impossible for me to keep a straight face. I kept giggling. Outloud! It was so so strange. I could not hold in how happy I was. And it was nothing but the weather and that music that made me so happy. The entire time to Walmart and back I just sat and tapped my foot or bobbed my head or just smiled. It was the happiest I've been in a few weeks.
I'm LDS, and the majority of the people here at the University of Utah are not. Most of my friends on my floor know I am LDS, but I still have trouble standing up for my values. I haven't participated in anything against my standards, but I haven't really made the stand I really want to make. For example. Most people here swear all the time. And I mean all the time. It will be hard to find friends who don't swear. I've accepted that fact and just ignore the language, but I can't say it doesn't bother me. Part of me wants to say, "Hey, remember how I'm mormon? Well I don't like swearing. Will you try not to cus in front of me?" But I think people would stop inviting me to play because I was practically asking them to be mute. Some people I'm around more often notice that I don't use any swear words and have started cleaning up their language around me. I appreciate it a lot. I just struggle with asking them to clean it up. Another example: I don't watch R movies, even though plenty of LDS members do. I just honestly don't enjoy them and usually don't have the desire to watch. In movies, I'm not a fan of offensive language, offensive sex, offensive violence, or whatever else movies are R for. Just now, some kids on my floor said, "Come watch Garden State in the lounge!" Instead of saying, "I'm mormon remember? I don't watch R movies!" I just said, "I think I'll pass. I don't feel like watching a movie, and I need to go to bed early nonight." Had I said I don't watch R movies, I would not have to deal with another time of being asked to watch one. They'd know I don't do that. I want to change this about me.
I was winked at today. It was fun. I was on my way to the bookstore to get a trax pass. I looked at a biker as he came close. He was looking at me, so I looked down. I looked back up again, and he was still looking at me. Or looking at me again. So I looked away again. I looked back a third time! I know, the three time glance. It's huge. And of course, he was still looking at me. Tee hee. He was on the phone, but just before he passed me, he smiled and winked at me, and I laughed smiled. It was fun and funny.
I broke my toe about 6 years ago. I broke the bone inside of my foot, not in the actual little toe. I was supposed to wear a blue shoe for about 6 weeks is all I think. The shoe is made for both feet, so no matter what foot I had it on it looked wrong. I was embarrassed by it. Plus, after about 3 or so weeks, I had girls camp. I didn't want to be wearing a little blue shoe at girls camp. So I didn't wear it to camp, or for the weeks following. It felt fine. I had escaped an extra 3 weeks of wearing an embarrassing shoe. Over the next 6 years, my foot would randomly ache for a few hours. Nothing too long or painful though. Now that I'm walking miles every day at college, I can feel that something is still wrong with my toe. It hurts almost constantly if I'm wearing flip flops. I don't want to stop walking, but I also like flip flops. I wish now that I had worn that embarrassing shoe for 3 more weeks.
I have an ortho appointment tomorrow. What color elastics should I get? Hm...
Speaking of braces, I hate them.
1. I am afraid to smile at boys when cute ones look at me because I don't want them to flinch when the see my smile. Tee hee. Honest thought.
2. If I'm ever talking to someone directly after eating, I'm so paranoid there is something in my teeth that I sometimes don't open my lips very much when talking. It's really awkward and funny feeling so I'm sure it's funny looking.
3. I was wrestled to the ground the other day, and my mouth kept bumping things like my knee or the floor or what have you, and by the end, parts of my lips were like raw hamburger. Gross. And painful.
4. It always looks like there are oreos in my mouth. Even when I have light blue elastics.
I got 19.25 out of 20 on my Physics assignment today! YES!
I didn't have time to get ready this morning, so I put my hair in pigtails, put on mascara (the extent of makeup I wear these days), and wore a white t-shirt and black soccer shorts all day. Oddly enough, more people smiled and looked at me than I've noticed before. And I do notice those types of things, because I like smiling and looking at other people. As Megan C. said in one of her blogs, it's annoying when girls say things like, "I didn't even get ready this morning, and I already had three guys hit on me in my first class." That's why I was almost mad that more people, including boys, looked at me and smiled at me and double looked at me and said hello to me than usual. Because I looked worse today than I have the past 2.5 weeks. It makes me want to never get ready again. Dumb.
That's all for now. I just had to get a few thoughts out before I could peacefully read Harry Potter 7 and watch an episode of Arrested Development before I turn out the lights.
Goodnight.
I have lots and lots of thoughts at this moment. So many I can hardly function. So I'm going to type them now, even though they aren't very blog worthy or of literary note. I just don't feel like writing well right now. I just want to type. I've come to love typing. It's so so fun letting my fingers just fly around. I love it.
I listened to Ok Ikumi today as I walked to the bookstore and then to Walmart. That music, along with the Amazing storm that came within about 15 minutes, made it impossible for me to keep a straight face. I kept giggling. Outloud! It was so so strange. I could not hold in how happy I was. And it was nothing but the weather and that music that made me so happy. The entire time to Walmart and back I just sat and tapped my foot or bobbed my head or just smiled. It was the happiest I've been in a few weeks.
I'm LDS, and the majority of the people here at the University of Utah are not. Most of my friends on my floor know I am LDS, but I still have trouble standing up for my values. I haven't participated in anything against my standards, but I haven't really made the stand I really want to make. For example. Most people here swear all the time. And I mean all the time. It will be hard to find friends who don't swear. I've accepted that fact and just ignore the language, but I can't say it doesn't bother me. Part of me wants to say, "Hey, remember how I'm mormon? Well I don't like swearing. Will you try not to cus in front of me?" But I think people would stop inviting me to play because I was practically asking them to be mute. Some people I'm around more often notice that I don't use any swear words and have started cleaning up their language around me. I appreciate it a lot. I just struggle with asking them to clean it up. Another example: I don't watch R movies, even though plenty of LDS members do. I just honestly don't enjoy them and usually don't have the desire to watch. In movies, I'm not a fan of offensive language, offensive sex, offensive violence, or whatever else movies are R for. Just now, some kids on my floor said, "Come watch Garden State in the lounge!" Instead of saying, "I'm mormon remember? I don't watch R movies!" I just said, "I think I'll pass. I don't feel like watching a movie, and I need to go to bed early nonight." Had I said I don't watch R movies, I would not have to deal with another time of being asked to watch one. They'd know I don't do that. I want to change this about me.
I was winked at today. It was fun. I was on my way to the bookstore to get a trax pass. I looked at a biker as he came close. He was looking at me, so I looked down. I looked back up again, and he was still looking at me. Or looking at me again. So I looked away again. I looked back a third time! I know, the three time glance. It's huge. And of course, he was still looking at me. Tee hee. He was on the phone, but just before he passed me, he smiled and winked at me, and I laughed smiled. It was fun and funny.
I broke my toe about 6 years ago. I broke the bone inside of my foot, not in the actual little toe. I was supposed to wear a blue shoe for about 6 weeks is all I think. The shoe is made for both feet, so no matter what foot I had it on it looked wrong. I was embarrassed by it. Plus, after about 3 or so weeks, I had girls camp. I didn't want to be wearing a little blue shoe at girls camp. So I didn't wear it to camp, or for the weeks following. It felt fine. I had escaped an extra 3 weeks of wearing an embarrassing shoe. Over the next 6 years, my foot would randomly ache for a few hours. Nothing too long or painful though. Now that I'm walking miles every day at college, I can feel that something is still wrong with my toe. It hurts almost constantly if I'm wearing flip flops. I don't want to stop walking, but I also like flip flops. I wish now that I had worn that embarrassing shoe for 3 more weeks.
I have an ortho appointment tomorrow. What color elastics should I get? Hm...
Speaking of braces, I hate them.
1. I am afraid to smile at boys when cute ones look at me because I don't want them to flinch when the see my smile. Tee hee. Honest thought.
2. If I'm ever talking to someone directly after eating, I'm so paranoid there is something in my teeth that I sometimes don't open my lips very much when talking. It's really awkward and funny feeling so I'm sure it's funny looking.
3. I was wrestled to the ground the other day, and my mouth kept bumping things like my knee or the floor or what have you, and by the end, parts of my lips were like raw hamburger. Gross. And painful.
4. It always looks like there are oreos in my mouth. Even when I have light blue elastics.
I got 19.25 out of 20 on my Physics assignment today! YES!
I didn't have time to get ready this morning, so I put my hair in pigtails, put on mascara (the extent of makeup I wear these days), and wore a white t-shirt and black soccer shorts all day. Oddly enough, more people smiled and looked at me than I've noticed before. And I do notice those types of things, because I like smiling and looking at other people. As Megan C. said in one of her blogs, it's annoying when girls say things like, "I didn't even get ready this morning, and I already had three guys hit on me in my first class." That's why I was almost mad that more people, including boys, looked at me and smiled at me and double looked at me and said hello to me than usual. Because I looked worse today than I have the past 2.5 weeks. It makes me want to never get ready again. Dumb.
That's all for now. I just had to get a few thoughts out before I could peacefully read Harry Potter 7 and watch an episode of Arrested Development before I turn out the lights.
Goodnight.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
What Homework Does to A Person
(written August 30, 2007)
I hate physics so much it's almost making me cry. I just can't get it. And I slept through my freaking physics homework study class today. I hate today. It's been such a waste. And I almost squoze my brains a minute ago because I have been stuck on the same 2 stupid problems for about 3 hours now. I want to hurt myself. But my roommate is 8 feet away so I can't even scream, just silently push the sides of my head together while my eyes water with tears. I hate this stupid stupid class. I hate being bad at something that everyone else can get. I hate not getting good scores. I don't have any friends, none here at college or at home, that I could call to complain to or ask for some comfort from. The only person I could call I can't call. I hate everything. I want to go for a run. And cry. Stupid physics homework is the last straw. I want to run for miles and miles. Myspace is my only friend. Typing into the address bar at the top "myspace" is like picking up a semi high tech phone and saying the name of a best friend and having a voice recognizer dial the number for you. I've decided the only difference between emo and not emo is that emo decide to show what their feeling, where everyone else just goes over it a lot inside their minds. Stupid stupid stupid.
I feel better now. Amazing what a friend can do for you. Thank you myspace.
I hate physics so much it's almost making me cry. I just can't get it. And I slept through my freaking physics homework study class today. I hate today. It's been such a waste. And I almost squoze my brains a minute ago because I have been stuck on the same 2 stupid problems for about 3 hours now. I want to hurt myself. But my roommate is 8 feet away so I can't even scream, just silently push the sides of my head together while my eyes water with tears. I hate this stupid stupid class. I hate being bad at something that everyone else can get. I hate not getting good scores. I don't have any friends, none here at college or at home, that I could call to complain to or ask for some comfort from. The only person I could call I can't call. I hate everything. I want to go for a run. And cry. Stupid physics homework is the last straw. I want to run for miles and miles. Myspace is my only friend. Typing into the address bar at the top "myspace" is like picking up a semi high tech phone and saying the name of a best friend and having a voice recognizer dial the number for you. I've decided the only difference between emo and not emo is that emo decide to show what their feeling, where everyone else just goes over it a lot inside their minds. Stupid stupid stupid.
I feel better now. Amazing what a friend can do for you. Thank you myspace.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Playing This Role
The differences seen when I juxtapose my life today and my life one month ago are huge. I can barely get a hold of how different everything about my life is now. Everyday feels like I'm living someone else's life. I'm suprised I still physically look the same. I wonder how long I'll be playing this role of someone else.
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