I just signed a paper for my roommate saying it's okay if she moves out. She wants to move to Sage Point where they have kitchens. I am sad. Sure, we don't talk much- it's hard when she doesn't speak English very well- but I enjoy her. I feel comfortable in my own room, whereas with other roommates I'm afraid I wouldn't. I like having this language and cultural barrier. It alows us to be in the same room in silence and being 100 percent okay with the silence. I like that she set up the rule no boys in the room past 10:30. I don't want a roommate who would bring in some of the experiences some people on my floor have had. ie boys hanging out in the room til five while the roommate is wanting to go to bed, boys sleeping over, her getting high in the room, watching tv all the time, watching movies I don't like, listening to annoying music, never going to bed, etc. I hope I can just have my own room for the rest of the semester. But I doubt it. Hyesun might not move out until semester anyways. I'm suprised at how much I don't want her to move out. Shoot. I don't want a new roommy. I like her.
:(
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Monday, October 1, 2007
Dermographic Urticaria
DERMOGRAPHIC URTICARIA
Dermatographic urticaria (also known as dermographism, dermatographism or "skin writing") is a skin disorder seen in 4-5% of the population[1], in which the skin becomes raised and inflamed when stroked or rubbed with a dull object[2]. The symptoms are thought to be caused by mast cells in the surface of the skin releasing histamines without the presence of antigens, due to the presence of a weak membrane surrounding the mast cells. The histamines released cause the skin to swell in the affected areas.
This weak membrane easily and rapidly breaks down under physical pressure causing an allergic-like reaction, generally a red welt to appear on the skin. It can often be confused with an allergic reaction to the object causing a scratch, when in fact it is the act of being scratched that causes a welt to appear. These welts are a subset of hives that appear within minutes, accompanied by a sensation of burning, and/or itchiness. The first outbreak of hives can lead to others on body parts not directly stimulated, scraped or scratched. In a normal case the swelling has reduced itself with no treatment within 15-30 minutes, but in extreme cases, itchy red wheals may last anwhere from a few hours to days.
Dermatographism can be caused by stress, tight or abrasive clothing, watches, glasses, energetic kissing, heat, cold, or anything that causes stress to the skin. In many cases it is merely a minor annoyance, but in some rare cases symptoms are severe enough to impact a patient's life.
It can be treated by antihistamines or cromoglicate, as they prevent the histamine from causing the reaction. The underlying cause of dermographism is not known, and can last for many years without relief. 95% of chronic cases are never solved. Sometimes the condition goes away, sometimes it stays forever. It is not a life threatening disease.
ZYRTEC
ZYRTEC® (cetirizine HCl) is a prescription medicine that treats both indoor and outdoor allergy symptoms. And it also treats itching due to chronic hives. Studies show that 1 dose of ZYRTEC works for a full 24 hours.
In clinical studies, people taking ZYRTEC were relieved of their symptoms within 1 hour. Studies show that symptom relief from a single dose of ZYRTEC lasts 24 hours.
Basically, with Dermographism, if something scratches me or simply rubs against my arm or stomach or back, a red welt appears. This welt itches and burns. If I subconciously scratch my back or my head or neck or shoulder or stomach, it starts to itch and burn so I scratch it before I catch myself. Once it's been scratched more welts come and more burning comes. I've tried putting myself in some kind of a straight jacket, to no avail. It's impossible not to scratch when it itches.It's a horrible mental game. Zyrtec didn't kick in very fast last night. I was up until about 2:30 or so, trying to get my mind off of scratching. It's a really lousy way to spend time in bed.
Dermatographic urticaria (also known as dermographism, dermatographism or "skin writing") is a skin disorder seen in 4-5% of the population[1], in which the skin becomes raised and inflamed when stroked or rubbed with a dull object[2]. The symptoms are thought to be caused by mast cells in the surface of the skin releasing histamines without the presence of antigens, due to the presence of a weak membrane surrounding the mast cells. The histamines released cause the skin to swell in the affected areas.
This weak membrane easily and rapidly breaks down under physical pressure causing an allergic-like reaction, generally a red welt to appear on the skin. It can often be confused with an allergic reaction to the object causing a scratch, when in fact it is the act of being scratched that causes a welt to appear. These welts are a subset of hives that appear within minutes, accompanied by a sensation of burning, and/or itchiness. The first outbreak of hives can lead to others on body parts not directly stimulated, scraped or scratched. In a normal case the swelling has reduced itself with no treatment within 15-30 minutes, but in extreme cases, itchy red wheals may last anwhere from a few hours to days.
Dermatographism can be caused by stress, tight or abrasive clothing, watches, glasses, energetic kissing, heat, cold, or anything that causes stress to the skin. In many cases it is merely a minor annoyance, but in some rare cases symptoms are severe enough to impact a patient's life.
It can be treated by antihistamines or cromoglicate, as they prevent the histamine from causing the reaction. The underlying cause of dermographism is not known, and can last for many years without relief. 95% of chronic cases are never solved. Sometimes the condition goes away, sometimes it stays forever. It is not a life threatening disease.
ZYRTEC
ZYRTEC® (cetirizine HCl) is a prescription medicine that treats both indoor and outdoor allergy symptoms. And it also treats itching due to chronic hives. Studies show that 1 dose of ZYRTEC works for a full 24 hours.
In clinical studies, people taking ZYRTEC were relieved of their symptoms within 1 hour. Studies show that symptom relief from a single dose of ZYRTEC lasts 24 hours.
Basically, with Dermographism, if something scratches me or simply rubs against my arm or stomach or back, a red welt appears. This welt itches and burns. If I subconciously scratch my back or my head or neck or shoulder or stomach, it starts to itch and burn so I scratch it before I catch myself. Once it's been scratched more welts come and more burning comes. I've tried putting myself in some kind of a straight jacket, to no avail. It's impossible not to scratch when it itches.It's a horrible mental game. Zyrtec didn't kick in very fast last night. I was up until about 2:30 or so, trying to get my mind off of scratching. It's a really lousy way to spend time in bed.
I just walked into a room down the hall where 4 boys were sitting playing Donkey Kong, something they've been doing for days now. I was more critical of those boys than I usually am of anyone, even of a best friend or sibling. I did not enter the room in a bad mood or wanting to be negative, but something about the way they are wasting time got me going and it was hard for me to bite my tongue and let them be. I finally had to just walk out of the room because a weird side of me was coming out and attacking some random kids playing video games.
During Physics I fell asleep for a good 5 minutes and woke up with the spiral of my notebook imprinted on my arm. During Introduction to Architecture my head was bobbing. After these two classes I went to the Olpin Union Building because the couches there are amazing, as I have noted in previous blogs, and I was really, really tired. The smallest couch, a one person love seat type thing, was open so I layed down on it at 9:37. At 10:something I woke up and saw that the biggest couch was open so I moved to it. I fell back asleep instantly. Then at 11:55 my friend Brian calls, waking me up, and says, "Hey, are you still asleep at the Union? Class started 5 minutes ago." Luckily he had been to the Union and saw me sleeping. So I had to wake up and groggily go to Calculus. Then my voice was like a 13 year old boy's- super cracky and unstable- all through calculus. And I talk a lot in that class. I ask a lot of questions. So I'm sure it was noticable. Now I'm not tired though. I feel good.
I made a To Do list Yesterday during church. It was a list consisting of 25 things to do and 19 ideas that ran through my head. Then after church I was talking to a boy named Ryan for a while and a boy named Jonathan came over and said Hey Ryan, come over to my house at this address for lunch right now. You can come too, my name's Jonathan. My name is Jessie. And thanks for the invite. Etc. So I got in Ryan's car and we went to Jonathan's house. I left my Scriptures Make Me Happy bag in Ryan's car. In the bag was my key and my card used for entering my dorm building and getting meals. While at Jonathan's house, Ryan had to go rescue a friend from a weird situations which ended up with cops and restraining orders, but said he'd come back quickly. He didn't, so someone else gave me a ride home. Until I was getting out of this other person's car I completely forgot that my bag wasn't with me. I said bye and luckily got into my dorm by knocking on a window of a friend on the first floor, and luckily my room was unlocked. It was fun because situations like this don't stress me out at all. I knew I'd get my bag back eventually, so I did what I could without it, like taping the door so it wouldn't close correctly in case in locked without my permission. All went well and I was glad I didn't have a stress attack like I know some people I know would have. It was an interesting experience, deciding from the begining that overreacting would be pointless, and just accepting things the way they were. It's simple things like this that make me feel like I make better choices now than I ever have before. I can't quite get across what I mean, but perhaps if you know me well enough you'll understand it? Whatevs.
On Saturday, a couple friends and I had to take apart a couch because a 5.5 foot python got inside it. My fault. The snake was okay though. And so was the couch, in the end.
Since my Junior year when Mr. Linford showed my Honors English class Ralph Waldo Emerson's essay Self-Reliance, I've always wanted to read it. All of it. But I never have. So today I think I will. My friend mass-dared it too. So I really think I will. And I want to do it in one sitting. So I have to prepare.
One of my first days in the dorms I was in my room and overheard a conversation in the hall about how "Mormons can't date non-Mormons." I like talking about anything religious, or at least listening, so I opened my door wanting to join in. Then when I asked what the argument was, a boy named Remmington looked at me and said, Are you Mormon? I said yes. Then he said, You look like a Mormon. Then he walked off to his room and the conversation ended. I said, I choose to take that as a compliment, I suppose. Since then Remmington and I have become good friends, but at first I thought he didn't like me because I was Mormon. That's not the point of this thought though. From my Physics class, about 10 or more of us walk to the same following class, Intro to Architecture. I am always walking that 10 minutes within about 10 or 20 feet of the same two boys. I noticed this and I'm sure they noticed this too. So finally today I just started talking to them. One is LDS. We are all Pre-Architecture students, but the one said, well you two will be a couple years ahead of me so I won't necessarilly be competing against you. And I said why is that? He's going on a mission. This isn't my point either. My point, or more idea or question, is can people tell I'm a Mormon, just by the way I look, act, walk, hold my head, carry conversation? If Remmington could, which I'm not sure he could, I wonder if many people can. A couple Sundays ago, Elder Holland, a member of the 12 Apostles, spoke at a fireside at the University's Institute. One thing he said that I really liked was "We are not bound to say what we thing, but we are bound to not even look like what we don't think." So I'm curious if by not even looking like what I don't think makes me look like what I do think or merely not what I don't think. Understand?
I have a friend that texts me all the time about nothing whatsoever. Just pointless texting. It's very immature texts too. Like, "you're just jealous." He throws that out all the time. Or things like, "My best quality is humility, or so my friends tell me." He has never said that, but a friend from high school used to always say it and the two boys remind me of each other. I am so bored of it. So bored.
Preachers could have more success if they wouldn't yell at the listeners, I think. I stopped for about 3 or 4 minutes to listen to a preacher of some sort. I agreed with a lot of what he was saying- basic Christian ideas- but the way he was forcing it onto us was such a turn-off. I wanted to ask questions, or throw out ideas, but I merely wanted to chat about it, not yell. I didn't want to make what I find are personal, special ideas or feelings or believes and yell them. It seemed wrong. So I walked away instead of furthering discussion.
I have a lot of homework this week. But next week is Fall Break. I'm welcoming the break. I'm going to make a list of my homework for the week.
Homework
1. Calculus Homework 6 due tomorrow 10.2.7
2. Physics Homework 12 due Wednesday 10.3.7
3. Sign Language quiz/test Thurdsay 10.4.7
4. Physics Test Chapters 3,4 and 5 Friday 10.5.7
5. Architecture Written Assignment 1 due Friday 10.5.7
6. Physics Homework 13 due Sunday 10.7.7
7. Architecture Reading Chapters 11 and 12
8. Calculus Practice test extra credit
Not too much, but enough.
I suppose I'll be done writing now.
Love Acissej Eromlig
During Physics I fell asleep for a good 5 minutes and woke up with the spiral of my notebook imprinted on my arm. During Introduction to Architecture my head was bobbing. After these two classes I went to the Olpin Union Building because the couches there are amazing, as I have noted in previous blogs, and I was really, really tired. The smallest couch, a one person love seat type thing, was open so I layed down on it at 9:37. At 10:something I woke up and saw that the biggest couch was open so I moved to it. I fell back asleep instantly. Then at 11:55 my friend Brian calls, waking me up, and says, "Hey, are you still asleep at the Union? Class started 5 minutes ago." Luckily he had been to the Union and saw me sleeping. So I had to wake up and groggily go to Calculus. Then my voice was like a 13 year old boy's- super cracky and unstable- all through calculus. And I talk a lot in that class. I ask a lot of questions. So I'm sure it was noticable. Now I'm not tired though. I feel good.
I made a To Do list Yesterday during church. It was a list consisting of 25 things to do and 19 ideas that ran through my head. Then after church I was talking to a boy named Ryan for a while and a boy named Jonathan came over and said Hey Ryan, come over to my house at this address for lunch right now. You can come too, my name's Jonathan. My name is Jessie. And thanks for the invite. Etc. So I got in Ryan's car and we went to Jonathan's house. I left my Scriptures Make Me Happy bag in Ryan's car. In the bag was my key and my card used for entering my dorm building and getting meals. While at Jonathan's house, Ryan had to go rescue a friend from a weird situations which ended up with cops and restraining orders, but said he'd come back quickly. He didn't, so someone else gave me a ride home. Until I was getting out of this other person's car I completely forgot that my bag wasn't with me. I said bye and luckily got into my dorm by knocking on a window of a friend on the first floor, and luckily my room was unlocked. It was fun because situations like this don't stress me out at all. I knew I'd get my bag back eventually, so I did what I could without it, like taping the door so it wouldn't close correctly in case in locked without my permission. All went well and I was glad I didn't have a stress attack like I know some people I know would have. It was an interesting experience, deciding from the begining that overreacting would be pointless, and just accepting things the way they were. It's simple things like this that make me feel like I make better choices now than I ever have before. I can't quite get across what I mean, but perhaps if you know me well enough you'll understand it? Whatevs.
On Saturday, a couple friends and I had to take apart a couch because a 5.5 foot python got inside it. My fault. The snake was okay though. And so was the couch, in the end.
Since my Junior year when Mr. Linford showed my Honors English class Ralph Waldo Emerson's essay Self-Reliance, I've always wanted to read it. All of it. But I never have. So today I think I will. My friend mass-dared it too. So I really think I will. And I want to do it in one sitting. So I have to prepare.
One of my first days in the dorms I was in my room and overheard a conversation in the hall about how "Mormons can't date non-Mormons." I like talking about anything religious, or at least listening, so I opened my door wanting to join in. Then when I asked what the argument was, a boy named Remmington looked at me and said, Are you Mormon? I said yes. Then he said, You look like a Mormon. Then he walked off to his room and the conversation ended. I said, I choose to take that as a compliment, I suppose. Since then Remmington and I have become good friends, but at first I thought he didn't like me because I was Mormon. That's not the point of this thought though. From my Physics class, about 10 or more of us walk to the same following class, Intro to Architecture. I am always walking that 10 minutes within about 10 or 20 feet of the same two boys. I noticed this and I'm sure they noticed this too. So finally today I just started talking to them. One is LDS. We are all Pre-Architecture students, but the one said, well you two will be a couple years ahead of me so I won't necessarilly be competing against you. And I said why is that? He's going on a mission. This isn't my point either. My point, or more idea or question, is can people tell I'm a Mormon, just by the way I look, act, walk, hold my head, carry conversation? If Remmington could, which I'm not sure he could, I wonder if many people can. A couple Sundays ago, Elder Holland, a member of the 12 Apostles, spoke at a fireside at the University's Institute. One thing he said that I really liked was "We are not bound to say what we thing, but we are bound to not even look like what we don't think." So I'm curious if by not even looking like what I don't think makes me look like what I do think or merely not what I don't think. Understand?
I have a friend that texts me all the time about nothing whatsoever. Just pointless texting. It's very immature texts too. Like, "you're just jealous." He throws that out all the time. Or things like, "My best quality is humility, or so my friends tell me." He has never said that, but a friend from high school used to always say it and the two boys remind me of each other. I am so bored of it. So bored.
Preachers could have more success if they wouldn't yell at the listeners, I think. I stopped for about 3 or 4 minutes to listen to a preacher of some sort. I agreed with a lot of what he was saying- basic Christian ideas- but the way he was forcing it onto us was such a turn-off. I wanted to ask questions, or throw out ideas, but I merely wanted to chat about it, not yell. I didn't want to make what I find are personal, special ideas or feelings or believes and yell them. It seemed wrong. So I walked away instead of furthering discussion.
I have a lot of homework this week. But next week is Fall Break. I'm welcoming the break. I'm going to make a list of my homework for the week.
Homework
1. Calculus Homework 6 due tomorrow 10.2.7
2. Physics Homework 12 due Wednesday 10.3.7
3. Sign Language quiz/test Thurdsay 10.4.7
4. Physics Test Chapters 3,4 and 5 Friday 10.5.7
5. Architecture Written Assignment 1 due Friday 10.5.7
6. Physics Homework 13 due Sunday 10.7.7
7. Architecture Reading Chapters 11 and 12
8. Calculus Practice test extra credit
Not too much, but enough.
I suppose I'll be done writing now.
Love Acissej Eromlig
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Unbalanced
Something has to be wrong; Friday night I went to sleep at 6:20 AM and slept until 1:30 PM. 7 hours. Saturday night I went to sleep at 6 AM and woke up at 10 AM. 4 hours. Now it is Sunday night, 12:54 AM and I think logically I should be really tired. I'm not. Also, Saturday I ate a couple fruit leathers, a pack of fruit snacks, a handful of mini marshmallows, a nutty bar, and a fourth of a tortilla. Today I ate a bowl of rice, a few chuncks of chicken, half a bag of kettle corn, a bowl of fruit loops, and a bowl of ice cream. I am so messed up. Starting tomorrow my life will be improved in the following ways:
1. I will again carry my water bottle around everywhere and try to drink at least 6 bottles throughout the day.
2. I will eat something besides sugar cereal every morning for breakfast. I will eat a salad BEFORE anything else at lunch or dinner if not both. Then I will only have a soft serve ice cream cone once every couple of days.
3. I will be in bed, off my computer, by 11 o'clock, no later than 11:30, on weeknights.
4. I will wake up at 6:00 Monday Wednesday and Friday and be on time to all my classes. I will wake up at 7:00 Tuesday Thursday and go to Institute and be on time to all my classes.
That is all. This won't be terribly impossible, but it will call for some discipline.
Last night my Mom sent me a text that said "Be wise in your choices, Jess." I don't know what made her send that, but it got me thinking. I feel like lately I've been making responsible, wise, mature, constructive choices. It certainly doesn't appear that way looking at my eating and sleeping habits of the past 3 days, but I really feel that lately I've made more positive, forwarding choices than ever in life. Spiritually, Intelectually, Socially, Emotionally, Educationally, etc. I'm quite proud of myself with some of the choices I've made, or not made. I enjoy having agency in all I do.
This is my horoscope for October 1st. I find it iteresting. And it sort of fits a conversation I very recently had:
Someone with a powerful spiritual vision has recently entered your life and now the message becomes even clearer. Although you are open to what is being said, you have sense enough to accept the teaching or to reject it if it doesn't jive with your outlook. Don't be afraid to trust your instincts, for it's possible that you might already know what you need.
I had a very unproductive day. I didn't really enjoy it. I hope I have a better Monday. Goodnight.
9.30.7
1. I will again carry my water bottle around everywhere and try to drink at least 6 bottles throughout the day.
2. I will eat something besides sugar cereal every morning for breakfast. I will eat a salad BEFORE anything else at lunch or dinner if not both. Then I will only have a soft serve ice cream cone once every couple of days.
3. I will be in bed, off my computer, by 11 o'clock, no later than 11:30, on weeknights.
4. I will wake up at 6:00 Monday Wednesday and Friday and be on time to all my classes. I will wake up at 7:00 Tuesday Thursday and go to Institute and be on time to all my classes.
That is all. This won't be terribly impossible, but it will call for some discipline.
Last night my Mom sent me a text that said "Be wise in your choices, Jess." I don't know what made her send that, but it got me thinking. I feel like lately I've been making responsible, wise, mature, constructive choices. It certainly doesn't appear that way looking at my eating and sleeping habits of the past 3 days, but I really feel that lately I've made more positive, forwarding choices than ever in life. Spiritually, Intelectually, Socially, Emotionally, Educationally, etc. I'm quite proud of myself with some of the choices I've made, or not made. I enjoy having agency in all I do.
This is my horoscope for October 1st. I find it iteresting. And it sort of fits a conversation I very recently had:
Someone with a powerful spiritual vision has recently entered your life and now the message becomes even clearer. Although you are open to what is being said, you have sense enough to accept the teaching or to reject it if it doesn't jive with your outlook. Don't be afraid to trust your instincts, for it's possible that you might already know what you need.
I had a very unproductive day. I didn't really enjoy it. I hope I have a better Monday. Goodnight.
9.30.7
Monday, September 24, 2007
PDA
In high school, I'd see couples cudding or holding hands or rubbing noses or even kissing in the hallways or little cut outs or under stairs. It was always gross, but usually funny and a little entertaining. It was sometimes even understandable because the two little kids probably didn't have anywhere else to kiss besides the car or something. Now that I'm in college though, it has moved from funny and entertaining to just gross and annoying. Sqealing and giggling and making kissing noises is not okay. Especially not in the public study area of the Union Building on the really comfortable leather couches. A. No one wants to see or hear you. Sure, you have a crush on each other, but you are really, really distracting. B. You were on the really comfortable leather couch for like 5 hours! I was there all day too! I wanted that couch. I was on the one next to you for a bit but felt ultra awkward so I ran away. I got some food at the cafeteria on the next floor, looked down like 30 minutes later, and you were still at it! Just spooning and cuddling and kissing and flirting. Bleh. I felt embarrassed for you. C. You are in college. Don't either of you have a dorm or appartment or house where you could go kiss and cuddle?!? It the homework lab your only option?? Sad. D. You kept trying to hide the fact that you were kissing but your bodies were practically glued to each other. If you are going to be that close and touchy, might as well be making out. Seriously.
That's the end of my rant.
That's the end of my rant.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Frustrations
I want to go sleep on that really, really comfortable black couch so bad, but I am afraid of drooling, sleep talking, sleeping with my eyes part open, or something else weird. Oh no. Someone just layed down on it. I'll get the courage to go steal it as soon as he gets up.
I figured out last night that I came into my freshman year with 31 credits. That's a lot I think. Maybe not, but that's practically one year of school already done. But not really, it just feels good to say that.
I want to Study Abroad in Italy next fall. I'm so serious about it that from now on I'm saying Next Fall I am studying abroad in Italy. Then it's more convincing. Because everyone wants to study abroad, but who actually does? Me.
I feel like I have so much to say about so many things, but I can't figure out any of it. It's all just a jumbled mess in my mind. I can't even list topics of thought. It's so frustrating. This is why I wish I took a speech class. I still could..
That's the problem with already wanting to do Architecture- I already have the next 6 years of school so packed. It's like registering for 7th grade when you get the little table and you see that you only get to choose like 2 electives, but by your senior year you get to choose everything but English. I can barely choose one elective a year, let alone a semester. There are so many classes I want to take. I already applied and have been accepted to Salt Lake Community College and will be taking drafting classes this summer, but last night I decided I want to do summer semester here at the U at the same time. I am already going to be in school for 6 years, plus a 3 year internship, and that's with just Architecture. If I wanted to take more classes, like speech or debate or philosophy or writing or drawing, I'll need a couple extra semesters. So I should still plan on graduating in 6 years, but throw in a few summer semesters. So when 6 years is usually 12 semesters, for me it will be more like 15 or 16 semesters.
I need more money. I have a scholarship, but I need more. Not for me, I can live for the next 6 years without buying much clothing or 'stuff,' but I need money for school. If I do well enough I should be able to find someone to help me with schooling. I need to search for applications everywhere. Then I can collect a bunch of scholarships and not have to pay. And my parents wouldn't have to pay either. Please send all donations to Jessica Gilmore 611 Heritage Center SLC UT 84112-2009. Thanks.
I wish I had done better in Biology and Calculus my junior year. Those were my lowest grades. They brought my GPA down. I could have done better. I could have come out of High School with a 4.0. Why was I so lazy?!? I should have studied for the ACT and done better. I should have taken the SAT. I should have tried harder. Just because all my siblings went to BYU or USU or BYUI or BYUH, why in the world shouldn't I be at Princeton or Harvard or Yale or Stanford? Dang it. I'm a failure. I'm mad at myself right now. I need to stop.
I want to work and earn money to help me with college, but I want to get the best grades I possibly can. I want to play lacrosse more than anything, but I want to get the best grades I possibly can. I'm pretty positive I still won't get a job, but I don't think I'll be giving up lacrosse quite yet. I know I'd regret it. And I love it. But what if my grades suffer? Even lacrosse isn't worth losing my scholarship. DANG IT!!!
The couch is free. I'm out.
Love Jessica Gilmore
I figured out last night that I came into my freshman year with 31 credits. That's a lot I think. Maybe not, but that's practically one year of school already done. But not really, it just feels good to say that.
I want to Study Abroad in Italy next fall. I'm so serious about it that from now on I'm saying Next Fall I am studying abroad in Italy. Then it's more convincing. Because everyone wants to study abroad, but who actually does? Me.
I feel like I have so much to say about so many things, but I can't figure out any of it. It's all just a jumbled mess in my mind. I can't even list topics of thought. It's so frustrating. This is why I wish I took a speech class. I still could..
That's the problem with already wanting to do Architecture- I already have the next 6 years of school so packed. It's like registering for 7th grade when you get the little table and you see that you only get to choose like 2 electives, but by your senior year you get to choose everything but English. I can barely choose one elective a year, let alone a semester. There are so many classes I want to take. I already applied and have been accepted to Salt Lake Community College and will be taking drafting classes this summer, but last night I decided I want to do summer semester here at the U at the same time. I am already going to be in school for 6 years, plus a 3 year internship, and that's with just Architecture. If I wanted to take more classes, like speech or debate or philosophy or writing or drawing, I'll need a couple extra semesters. So I should still plan on graduating in 6 years, but throw in a few summer semesters. So when 6 years is usually 12 semesters, for me it will be more like 15 or 16 semesters.
I need more money. I have a scholarship, but I need more. Not for me, I can live for the next 6 years without buying much clothing or 'stuff,' but I need money for school. If I do well enough I should be able to find someone to help me with schooling. I need to search for applications everywhere. Then I can collect a bunch of scholarships and not have to pay. And my parents wouldn't have to pay either. Please send all donations to Jessica Gilmore 611 Heritage Center SLC UT 84112-2009. Thanks.
I wish I had done better in Biology and Calculus my junior year. Those were my lowest grades. They brought my GPA down. I could have done better. I could have come out of High School with a 4.0. Why was I so lazy?!? I should have studied for the ACT and done better. I should have taken the SAT. I should have tried harder. Just because all my siblings went to BYU or USU or BYUI or BYUH, why in the world shouldn't I be at Princeton or Harvard or Yale or Stanford? Dang it. I'm a failure. I'm mad at myself right now. I need to stop.
I want to work and earn money to help me with college, but I want to get the best grades I possibly can. I want to play lacrosse more than anything, but I want to get the best grades I possibly can. I'm pretty positive I still won't get a job, but I don't think I'll be giving up lacrosse quite yet. I know I'd regret it. And I love it. But what if my grades suffer? Even lacrosse isn't worth losing my scholarship. DANG IT!!!
The couch is free. I'm out.
Love Jessica Gilmore
Thoughts of 9.13.7
(written 9.13.7)
I slept through institute this morning. I get so mad at myself when things like that happen. I feel like a failure and just lie back down, even if I could hurry and make the last half. I just don't like being late to things. I am proud of myself for wanting to go to institute though. At least I feel bad about missing it.
Music still amazes me. What is does to my mood is crazy! Today at the Union a bunch of local bands played all day, including Kid Theodore. I have so much fun watching them play. Their music is great. I was so happy and satisfied with life. A few high school friends saw me at sat with me and we all just lauged and had so much fun. I didn't care about anything in the world. I didn't even remember I was starving until they had stopped playing. Then I heard another band I enjoyed called good morning maxfield. They made me happy too, but no one was there and I wanted more people to hear them.
I need an Ipod. Carrying a cd player around is just hard. I have to keep it in my hands or else it skips. And sometimes I have the urge to listen to a certain song but I only have that one cd with me, or I don't even have that certain song on cd, only on my computer. :(
The battle between walking everywhere and taking the shuttle is getting more heated daily. I love walking to watch people and see things and hear things and for the exercise, but time is becoming more and more valuable. It takes me about 22 minutes to get from my room to my furthest class. I used to walk home when I had the time to in between classes, but now I just carry a heavier backpack and stay down on campus all day. I love it, but by the end of the day by back is tired and the shuttle is so tempting. I just keep refusing to take it though. Once I start walking it's no big deal, but when I stop and stand looking in the direction of the shuttle stop I can hardly keep myself from walking to it. It this strange personal battle I have to win by not riding it, but I know eventually it will be the smarter thing to do.
I just had an interesting conversation with 2 people. I'll write it in a different blog.
I laughed out loud yesterday when older men, probably professors, jogged by me on campus. As they passed, one said to another, "How many pounds of styrofoam can you fit in your car?"
My teeth hurt. I have braces. They keep boys away.
I feel like I lost like 50 shirts in the process of moving from home to college.
I want to play lacrosse so bad right now. The boys have already started practicing! Why have we not even held tryouts yet?!? I want an Ipod. I want a mac computer. I want A's in all my classes. I want to study in Italy next year. I want to find some really cool friends that aren't too clingy or needy. I want to read more. I want to eat healthier. I want to drink more. I want to take my vitamins regularly. I want to learn sign language faster. I want to get rid of my cell phone. I want to understand physics. I want to invent something. I want to suck up to all my teachers. I want to be an astronaut so so bad. I want to reach every goal I set. I want to win a million dollars. I want to know everything. I want to pass guitar hero on expert. I want to learn to play the harmonica. I want to delete a bunch of numbers from my phone. I want to see what heaven is like. I want to rid myself of pointless friendships and strengthen the important ones. I want to go for a run. I want to pass my test tomorrow.
It's hard for me to picture my future. Not even 2 years in the future. Right now everything is changing.
I'd rather skip my physics class tomorrow than go unprepared for the test. Being knowingly and willingly unprepared is a sickening feeling. I'd rather study right now than skip my physics class tomorrow. I hate missing class.
I slept through institute this morning. I get so mad at myself when things like that happen. I feel like a failure and just lie back down, even if I could hurry and make the last half. I just don't like being late to things. I am proud of myself for wanting to go to institute though. At least I feel bad about missing it.
Music still amazes me. What is does to my mood is crazy! Today at the Union a bunch of local bands played all day, including Kid Theodore. I have so much fun watching them play. Their music is great. I was so happy and satisfied with life. A few high school friends saw me at sat with me and we all just lauged and had so much fun. I didn't care about anything in the world. I didn't even remember I was starving until they had stopped playing. Then I heard another band I enjoyed called good morning maxfield. They made me happy too, but no one was there and I wanted more people to hear them.
I need an Ipod. Carrying a cd player around is just hard. I have to keep it in my hands or else it skips. And sometimes I have the urge to listen to a certain song but I only have that one cd with me, or I don't even have that certain song on cd, only on my computer. :(
The battle between walking everywhere and taking the shuttle is getting more heated daily. I love walking to watch people and see things and hear things and for the exercise, but time is becoming more and more valuable. It takes me about 22 minutes to get from my room to my furthest class. I used to walk home when I had the time to in between classes, but now I just carry a heavier backpack and stay down on campus all day. I love it, but by the end of the day by back is tired and the shuttle is so tempting. I just keep refusing to take it though. Once I start walking it's no big deal, but when I stop and stand looking in the direction of the shuttle stop I can hardly keep myself from walking to it. It this strange personal battle I have to win by not riding it, but I know eventually it will be the smarter thing to do.
I just had an interesting conversation with 2 people. I'll write it in a different blog.
I laughed out loud yesterday when older men, probably professors, jogged by me on campus. As they passed, one said to another, "How many pounds of styrofoam can you fit in your car?"
My teeth hurt. I have braces. They keep boys away.
I feel like I lost like 50 shirts in the process of moving from home to college.
I want to play lacrosse so bad right now. The boys have already started practicing! Why have we not even held tryouts yet?!? I want an Ipod. I want a mac computer. I want A's in all my classes. I want to study in Italy next year. I want to find some really cool friends that aren't too clingy or needy. I want to read more. I want to eat healthier. I want to drink more. I want to take my vitamins regularly. I want to learn sign language faster. I want to get rid of my cell phone. I want to understand physics. I want to invent something. I want to suck up to all my teachers. I want to be an astronaut so so bad. I want to reach every goal I set. I want to win a million dollars. I want to know everything. I want to pass guitar hero on expert. I want to learn to play the harmonica. I want to delete a bunch of numbers from my phone. I want to see what heaven is like. I want to rid myself of pointless friendships and strengthen the important ones. I want to go for a run. I want to pass my test tomorrow.
It's hard for me to picture my future. Not even 2 years in the future. Right now everything is changing.
I'd rather skip my physics class tomorrow than go unprepared for the test. Being knowingly and willingly unprepared is a sickening feeling. I'd rather study right now than skip my physics class tomorrow. I hate missing class.
Spouse, not best friend.
(spoken and written 9.13.7)
Me = Jessie
Kristen = Suitemate (girl who's dorm is connected to mine through bathroom) from New York
Remmington = Boy a few doors down
Remmington: So is Sam coming to the concert tomorrow?
Me: No, he's not a Format fan
Remmington: So what! He's your boyfriend!
Me: No, I told you, we're not dating anymore.
Remmington: I know. Why'd you even break up?
Me: I thought it'd be easier this way. And I plan on dating him in the future, so it's okay. I could marry him. But right now it is okay for us not to be together.
Remmington: You're only 18, you shouldn't be thinking of marriage!
Me: I don't want to get married until I'm like 23 or so.
Remmington: Ha! Funny. (Looks at Kristen who is doing her homework)
Kristen: Haha yeah, the rest of the world doesn't get married until 29 or 30.
Me: I think marriage will be fun. Think about it, living with your best friend. It'd be So fun.
Remmington: But having sex with your best friend??
Me: Sure. Why wouldn't my husband be my best friend? Don't you want your wife to be your best friend?
Remmington: My best friend would be a boy.
Kristen: My best friend would be a girl.
Me: Well sure I have those best friends but my husband will be my best friend too.
Remmington: Friend. Singular. Either a best friend, or someone to have sex with. They can't be the both.
Me: You guys are messed up. I'm done with this conversation. I'm going back to my room. Have fun studying.
I don't get it.
(edited)
Me = Jessie
Kristen = Suitemate (girl who's dorm is connected to mine through bathroom) from New York
Remmington = Boy a few doors down
Remmington: So is Sam coming to the concert tomorrow?
Me: No, he's not a Format fan
Remmington: So what! He's your boyfriend!
Me: No, I told you, we're not dating anymore.
Remmington: I know. Why'd you even break up?
Me: I thought it'd be easier this way. And I plan on dating him in the future, so it's okay. I could marry him. But right now it is okay for us not to be together.
Remmington: You're only 18, you shouldn't be thinking of marriage!
Me: I don't want to get married until I'm like 23 or so.
Remmington: Ha! Funny. (Looks at Kristen who is doing her homework)
Kristen: Haha yeah, the rest of the world doesn't get married until 29 or 30.
Me: I think marriage will be fun. Think about it, living with your best friend. It'd be So fun.
Remmington: But having sex with your best friend??
Me: Sure. Why wouldn't my husband be my best friend? Don't you want your wife to be your best friend?
Remmington: My best friend would be a boy.
Kristen: My best friend would be a girl.
Me: Well sure I have those best friends but my husband will be my best friend too.
Remmington: Friend. Singular. Either a best friend, or someone to have sex with. They can't be the both.
Me: You guys are messed up. I'm done with this conversation. I'm going back to my room. Have fun studying.
I don't get it.
(edited)
My Twin Brothers
(written 9.6.7)
I miss my twin brothers, Jared and Mckay. They make a great team. They could always make me smile, even when I came home crying. I appreciate them more now that I'm gone than when I lived at home. I have healthy, solid relationships with both and am quite grateful. I thought Michelle was crazy when she'd come home and be obsessed with Jared's humor. His jokes were so old and dry- almost like Dad's. I thought I'd be very glad to finally get away from that little brother. I was completely wrong. He's one of the funniest boys I know, and Mckay adds to it all. I'm so happy they are my friends.
I miss my twin brothers, Jared and Mckay. They make a great team. They could always make me smile, even when I came home crying. I appreciate them more now that I'm gone than when I lived at home. I have healthy, solid relationships with both and am quite grateful. I thought Michelle was crazy when she'd come home and be obsessed with Jared's humor. His jokes were so old and dry- almost like Dad's. I thought I'd be very glad to finally get away from that little brother. I was completely wrong. He's one of the funniest boys I know, and Mckay adds to it all. I'm so happy they are my friends.
The New Kid
(written 9.6.7)
In the short while that I haven't known you, you've become someone I really don't know. I can almost say I'm okay not knowing you. Physically you looked different- a little like everyone else. Your manners are less refined than when I knew you. You are rough, loud, rude, immature. You don't care about me like you did, and like I thought you always would. Seeing you doesn't make me sorry for myself anymore, but sorry for you. Is it you, or is it I who has changed? I wonder where you've gone, and when you're coming back.
In the short while that I haven't known you, you've become someone I really don't know. I can almost say I'm okay not knowing you. Physically you looked different- a little like everyone else. Your manners are less refined than when I knew you. You are rough, loud, rude, immature. You don't care about me like you did, and like I thought you always would. Seeing you doesn't make me sorry for myself anymore, but sorry for you. Is it you, or is it I who has changed? I wonder where you've gone, and when you're coming back.
Some Light Thoughts 9.4.7
(written 9.4.7)
I have lots and lots of thoughts at this moment. So many I can hardly function. So I'm going to type them now, even though they aren't very blog worthy or of literary note. I just don't feel like writing well right now. I just want to type. I've come to love typing. It's so so fun letting my fingers just fly around. I love it.
I listened to Ok Ikumi today as I walked to the bookstore and then to Walmart. That music, along with the Amazing storm that came within about 15 minutes, made it impossible for me to keep a straight face. I kept giggling. Outloud! It was so so strange. I could not hold in how happy I was. And it was nothing but the weather and that music that made me so happy. The entire time to Walmart and back I just sat and tapped my foot or bobbed my head or just smiled. It was the happiest I've been in a few weeks.
I'm LDS, and the majority of the people here at the University of Utah are not. Most of my friends on my floor know I am LDS, but I still have trouble standing up for my values. I haven't participated in anything against my standards, but I haven't really made the stand I really want to make. For example. Most people here swear all the time. And I mean all the time. It will be hard to find friends who don't swear. I've accepted that fact and just ignore the language, but I can't say it doesn't bother me. Part of me wants to say, "Hey, remember how I'm mormon? Well I don't like swearing. Will you try not to cus in front of me?" But I think people would stop inviting me to play because I was practically asking them to be mute. Some people I'm around more often notice that I don't use any swear words and have started cleaning up their language around me. I appreciate it a lot. I just struggle with asking them to clean it up. Another example: I don't watch R movies, even though plenty of LDS members do. I just honestly don't enjoy them and usually don't have the desire to watch. In movies, I'm not a fan of offensive language, offensive sex, offensive violence, or whatever else movies are R for. Just now, some kids on my floor said, "Come watch Garden State in the lounge!" Instead of saying, "I'm mormon remember? I don't watch R movies!" I just said, "I think I'll pass. I don't feel like watching a movie, and I need to go to bed early nonight." Had I said I don't watch R movies, I would not have to deal with another time of being asked to watch one. They'd know I don't do that. I want to change this about me.
I was winked at today. It was fun. I was on my way to the bookstore to get a trax pass. I looked at a biker as he came close. He was looking at me, so I looked down. I looked back up again, and he was still looking at me. Or looking at me again. So I looked away again. I looked back a third time! I know, the three time glance. It's huge. And of course, he was still looking at me. Tee hee. He was on the phone, but just before he passed me, he smiled and winked at me, and I laughed smiled. It was fun and funny.
I broke my toe about 6 years ago. I broke the bone inside of my foot, not in the actual little toe. I was supposed to wear a blue shoe for about 6 weeks is all I think. The shoe is made for both feet, so no matter what foot I had it on it looked wrong. I was embarrassed by it. Plus, after about 3 or so weeks, I had girls camp. I didn't want to be wearing a little blue shoe at girls camp. So I didn't wear it to camp, or for the weeks following. It felt fine. I had escaped an extra 3 weeks of wearing an embarrassing shoe. Over the next 6 years, my foot would randomly ache for a few hours. Nothing too long or painful though. Now that I'm walking miles every day at college, I can feel that something is still wrong with my toe. It hurts almost constantly if I'm wearing flip flops. I don't want to stop walking, but I also like flip flops. I wish now that I had worn that embarrassing shoe for 3 more weeks.
I have an ortho appointment tomorrow. What color elastics should I get? Hm...
Speaking of braces, I hate them.
1. I am afraid to smile at boys when cute ones look at me because I don't want them to flinch when the see my smile. Tee hee. Honest thought.
2. If I'm ever talking to someone directly after eating, I'm so paranoid there is something in my teeth that I sometimes don't open my lips very much when talking. It's really awkward and funny feeling so I'm sure it's funny looking.
3. I was wrestled to the ground the other day, and my mouth kept bumping things like my knee or the floor or what have you, and by the end, parts of my lips were like raw hamburger. Gross. And painful.
4. It always looks like there are oreos in my mouth. Even when I have light blue elastics.
I got 19.25 out of 20 on my Physics assignment today! YES!
I didn't have time to get ready this morning, so I put my hair in pigtails, put on mascara (the extent of makeup I wear these days), and wore a white t-shirt and black soccer shorts all day. Oddly enough, more people smiled and looked at me than I've noticed before. And I do notice those types of things, because I like smiling and looking at other people. As Megan C. said in one of her blogs, it's annoying when girls say things like, "I didn't even get ready this morning, and I already had three guys hit on me in my first class." That's why I was almost mad that more people, including boys, looked at me and smiled at me and double looked at me and said hello to me than usual. Because I looked worse today than I have the past 2.5 weeks. It makes me want to never get ready again. Dumb.
That's all for now. I just had to get a few thoughts out before I could peacefully read Harry Potter 7 and watch an episode of Arrested Development before I turn out the lights.
Goodnight.
I have lots and lots of thoughts at this moment. So many I can hardly function. So I'm going to type them now, even though they aren't very blog worthy or of literary note. I just don't feel like writing well right now. I just want to type. I've come to love typing. It's so so fun letting my fingers just fly around. I love it.
I listened to Ok Ikumi today as I walked to the bookstore and then to Walmart. That music, along with the Amazing storm that came within about 15 minutes, made it impossible for me to keep a straight face. I kept giggling. Outloud! It was so so strange. I could not hold in how happy I was. And it was nothing but the weather and that music that made me so happy. The entire time to Walmart and back I just sat and tapped my foot or bobbed my head or just smiled. It was the happiest I've been in a few weeks.
I'm LDS, and the majority of the people here at the University of Utah are not. Most of my friends on my floor know I am LDS, but I still have trouble standing up for my values. I haven't participated in anything against my standards, but I haven't really made the stand I really want to make. For example. Most people here swear all the time. And I mean all the time. It will be hard to find friends who don't swear. I've accepted that fact and just ignore the language, but I can't say it doesn't bother me. Part of me wants to say, "Hey, remember how I'm mormon? Well I don't like swearing. Will you try not to cus in front of me?" But I think people would stop inviting me to play because I was practically asking them to be mute. Some people I'm around more often notice that I don't use any swear words and have started cleaning up their language around me. I appreciate it a lot. I just struggle with asking them to clean it up. Another example: I don't watch R movies, even though plenty of LDS members do. I just honestly don't enjoy them and usually don't have the desire to watch. In movies, I'm not a fan of offensive language, offensive sex, offensive violence, or whatever else movies are R for. Just now, some kids on my floor said, "Come watch Garden State in the lounge!" Instead of saying, "I'm mormon remember? I don't watch R movies!" I just said, "I think I'll pass. I don't feel like watching a movie, and I need to go to bed early nonight." Had I said I don't watch R movies, I would not have to deal with another time of being asked to watch one. They'd know I don't do that. I want to change this about me.
I was winked at today. It was fun. I was on my way to the bookstore to get a trax pass. I looked at a biker as he came close. He was looking at me, so I looked down. I looked back up again, and he was still looking at me. Or looking at me again. So I looked away again. I looked back a third time! I know, the three time glance. It's huge. And of course, he was still looking at me. Tee hee. He was on the phone, but just before he passed me, he smiled and winked at me, and I laughed smiled. It was fun and funny.
I broke my toe about 6 years ago. I broke the bone inside of my foot, not in the actual little toe. I was supposed to wear a blue shoe for about 6 weeks is all I think. The shoe is made for both feet, so no matter what foot I had it on it looked wrong. I was embarrassed by it. Plus, after about 3 or so weeks, I had girls camp. I didn't want to be wearing a little blue shoe at girls camp. So I didn't wear it to camp, or for the weeks following. It felt fine. I had escaped an extra 3 weeks of wearing an embarrassing shoe. Over the next 6 years, my foot would randomly ache for a few hours. Nothing too long or painful though. Now that I'm walking miles every day at college, I can feel that something is still wrong with my toe. It hurts almost constantly if I'm wearing flip flops. I don't want to stop walking, but I also like flip flops. I wish now that I had worn that embarrassing shoe for 3 more weeks.
I have an ortho appointment tomorrow. What color elastics should I get? Hm...
Speaking of braces, I hate them.
1. I am afraid to smile at boys when cute ones look at me because I don't want them to flinch when the see my smile. Tee hee. Honest thought.
2. If I'm ever talking to someone directly after eating, I'm so paranoid there is something in my teeth that I sometimes don't open my lips very much when talking. It's really awkward and funny feeling so I'm sure it's funny looking.
3. I was wrestled to the ground the other day, and my mouth kept bumping things like my knee or the floor or what have you, and by the end, parts of my lips were like raw hamburger. Gross. And painful.
4. It always looks like there are oreos in my mouth. Even when I have light blue elastics.
I got 19.25 out of 20 on my Physics assignment today! YES!
I didn't have time to get ready this morning, so I put my hair in pigtails, put on mascara (the extent of makeup I wear these days), and wore a white t-shirt and black soccer shorts all day. Oddly enough, more people smiled and looked at me than I've noticed before. And I do notice those types of things, because I like smiling and looking at other people. As Megan C. said in one of her blogs, it's annoying when girls say things like, "I didn't even get ready this morning, and I already had three guys hit on me in my first class." That's why I was almost mad that more people, including boys, looked at me and smiled at me and double looked at me and said hello to me than usual. Because I looked worse today than I have the past 2.5 weeks. It makes me want to never get ready again. Dumb.
That's all for now. I just had to get a few thoughts out before I could peacefully read Harry Potter 7 and watch an episode of Arrested Development before I turn out the lights.
Goodnight.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
What Homework Does to A Person
(written August 30, 2007)
I hate physics so much it's almost making me cry. I just can't get it. And I slept through my freaking physics homework study class today. I hate today. It's been such a waste. And I almost squoze my brains a minute ago because I have been stuck on the same 2 stupid problems for about 3 hours now. I want to hurt myself. But my roommate is 8 feet away so I can't even scream, just silently push the sides of my head together while my eyes water with tears. I hate this stupid stupid class. I hate being bad at something that everyone else can get. I hate not getting good scores. I don't have any friends, none here at college or at home, that I could call to complain to or ask for some comfort from. The only person I could call I can't call. I hate everything. I want to go for a run. And cry. Stupid physics homework is the last straw. I want to run for miles and miles. Myspace is my only friend. Typing into the address bar at the top "myspace" is like picking up a semi high tech phone and saying the name of a best friend and having a voice recognizer dial the number for you. I've decided the only difference between emo and not emo is that emo decide to show what their feeling, where everyone else just goes over it a lot inside their minds. Stupid stupid stupid.
I feel better now. Amazing what a friend can do for you. Thank you myspace.
I hate physics so much it's almost making me cry. I just can't get it. And I slept through my freaking physics homework study class today. I hate today. It's been such a waste. And I almost squoze my brains a minute ago because I have been stuck on the same 2 stupid problems for about 3 hours now. I want to hurt myself. But my roommate is 8 feet away so I can't even scream, just silently push the sides of my head together while my eyes water with tears. I hate this stupid stupid class. I hate being bad at something that everyone else can get. I hate not getting good scores. I don't have any friends, none here at college or at home, that I could call to complain to or ask for some comfort from. The only person I could call I can't call. I hate everything. I want to go for a run. And cry. Stupid physics homework is the last straw. I want to run for miles and miles. Myspace is my only friend. Typing into the address bar at the top "myspace" is like picking up a semi high tech phone and saying the name of a best friend and having a voice recognizer dial the number for you. I've decided the only difference between emo and not emo is that emo decide to show what their feeling, where everyone else just goes over it a lot inside their minds. Stupid stupid stupid.
I feel better now. Amazing what a friend can do for you. Thank you myspace.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Playing This Role
The differences seen when I juxtapose my life today and my life one month ago are huge. I can barely get a hold of how different everything about my life is now. Everyday feels like I'm living someone else's life. I'm suprised I still physically look the same. I wonder how long I'll be playing this role of someone else.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Today's Thought Journal
A second mom of mine gave me a little notebook a month ago and I've wanted to carry it around to write thoughts in. I didn't have real desire to until a myspace pal of mine wrote a blog based off of what she wrote in her little notebook that day. I enjoyed the blog, so today I carried around my little notebook.
Thought 1. Sprinklers are like jumpropes. I time it to walk past at just the right instance, like jumping into a jumprope just right, but it somehow catches me almost every time.
Thought 2. Boys are jerks. A friend of mine met a boy a week ago. They played almost every day this week and had a lot of fun and she was really starting to like him. Then last night while 80's dancing together, he madeout with some girl. Not my friend. Boys are jerks.
Thought 3. Girls and tight pants. Either it works or it doesn't. If it does work, it works really well, like for the girl with the pretty hair I saw today. But when it doesn't work, she either looks like a man from behind, like the girl in the blue and white stripped shirt I saw today, or she looks like a clown with feet far too large for her body, like the girl in the grey jacket I saw today.
Thought 4. This morning it was raining. It was perfect rain. I was so satisfied. Then I got to physics.
Thought 5. What if I am living on this earth multiple times in the same instance? What if I'm reborn every 10 or 15 years? No one would remember the previous me, even if I did live in the same area the current me lives in. It would be too long ago. Or I'd just look like my "Aunt Sherry" or something, but really Aunt Sherry is me! What if I'm alive at the age of 3, 18, 33, 48, 63, 78, and 93?!? And all my previous me's experienced the same things as me. Maybe different people and places, but same emotions and life-changing events. I probably look different at each age. I bet my 33 year old me didn't have my glasses or hair when I was 18. But think. I lived in every decade. That would make things much easier for God- his population only being the same poeple replicated every 15 years. Still a lot of people to watch over, mind you, but a little easier. And the dead me's are my guardian angels! Even if I did run into one of me, like the 33 year old, I wouldn't recognize myself. I might find our personalities are similar, but I'd be more mature in look and personality than me so neither would recognize each other. Crazy!
Thought 6. I bet Sheryl Crow really uses loads of toilet paper.
Thought 7. I hate wasting an entire new line of paper for one or two words that wouldn't fit onto the previous line. I either erase the last 5 or so words and write them even smaller, start writing sideways along the edge of the paper, or just squish the last word so much I can't even read it.
Thought 8. I am afraid I am going to snap. I don't know what that snap will do to me, maybe just some kind of emotional breakdown or something, but I feel it's presence in my future. I feel pressure fom myself, my parents, my family, my once friend, and my school. I want to keep my scholarship, but that requires a 3.9 this semester. I don't get physics. Or Calculus sometimes. I thought I was good at math. My brain is failing me, and I'm afraid of failing. I don't want to lose my scholarship. It will put pressure on my parents. I am afraid. I don't feel very much support. I feel very unstable and vulnerable, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. But acknowledging that is a step I suppose.
Thought 9. I wish I took Creative Writing for 3 years in High School. But I took zero years. I wish I took debate my whole life. But I took zero years. I wish I took Drafting all through High School. But I took zero years. I wish I took 3 years of math in High School. But I took 2 years. I wish I took year and years of Art. But I took much less than that.
Thought 10. No regrets.
Thought 11. I've noticed that fat kids don't ride bikes around campus, neither do they skateboard. This means one of two things. 1. Skateboarding and bike riding is good exercise and keep the doers thin. or 2. Fat kids are physically unable to skateboard or bike.
Thought 12. How did college students at the University of Utah cross Wasatch Drive before the Legacy Bridge was built in 2002? Did they have to stop traffic with a crosswalk light? What a nuisance. Why did they not think of a bridge earlier? Wierdies.
Thought 13. I don't know anyone on campus, so why should I care if someone see's me pick my nose? I had at it for probably 6 seconds. It was the longest I've picked my nose in public. Then I looked up and saw a boy I know. He waved. I think he saw me. For 6 whole seconds.
Thought 14. I have come to the conclusion that navigating a skateboard through hundreds of students on a sidewalk is harder than navigating a longboard through hundreds of students on a sidewalk.
Thought 15. Riding either a skateboard or longboard over the thump-thump thump-thumps of the sidewalk would not be fun on a full bladder.
Thought 16. There seems to be some kind of a power struggle between my Calculus teacher and myself.
Thought 17. I have a rainbow colored backpack with a unicorn on it and purple glasses. I wonder how many people have thought I'm a lesbian.
Thought 18. I think my Calculus teacher might have a crush on me.
Thought 19. Today I saw an under-cover cop in a mini-van. Welcome to Utah.
Thought 1. Sprinklers are like jumpropes. I time it to walk past at just the right instance, like jumping into a jumprope just right, but it somehow catches me almost every time.
Thought 2. Boys are jerks. A friend of mine met a boy a week ago. They played almost every day this week and had a lot of fun and she was really starting to like him. Then last night while 80's dancing together, he madeout with some girl. Not my friend. Boys are jerks.
Thought 3. Girls and tight pants. Either it works or it doesn't. If it does work, it works really well, like for the girl with the pretty hair I saw today. But when it doesn't work, she either looks like a man from behind, like the girl in the blue and white stripped shirt I saw today, or she looks like a clown with feet far too large for her body, like the girl in the grey jacket I saw today.
Thought 4. This morning it was raining. It was perfect rain. I was so satisfied. Then I got to physics.
Thought 5. What if I am living on this earth multiple times in the same instance? What if I'm reborn every 10 or 15 years? No one would remember the previous me, even if I did live in the same area the current me lives in. It would be too long ago. Or I'd just look like my "Aunt Sherry" or something, but really Aunt Sherry is me! What if I'm alive at the age of 3, 18, 33, 48, 63, 78, and 93?!? And all my previous me's experienced the same things as me. Maybe different people and places, but same emotions and life-changing events. I probably look different at each age. I bet my 33 year old me didn't have my glasses or hair when I was 18. But think. I lived in every decade. That would make things much easier for God- his population only being the same poeple replicated every 15 years. Still a lot of people to watch over, mind you, but a little easier. And the dead me's are my guardian angels! Even if I did run into one of me, like the 33 year old, I wouldn't recognize myself. I might find our personalities are similar, but I'd be more mature in look and personality than me so neither would recognize each other. Crazy!
Thought 6. I bet Sheryl Crow really uses loads of toilet paper.
Thought 7. I hate wasting an entire new line of paper for one or two words that wouldn't fit onto the previous line. I either erase the last 5 or so words and write them even smaller, start writing sideways along the edge of the paper, or just squish the last word so much I can't even read it.
Thought 8. I am afraid I am going to snap. I don't know what that snap will do to me, maybe just some kind of emotional breakdown or something, but I feel it's presence in my future. I feel pressure fom myself, my parents, my family, my once friend, and my school. I want to keep my scholarship, but that requires a 3.9 this semester. I don't get physics. Or Calculus sometimes. I thought I was good at math. My brain is failing me, and I'm afraid of failing. I don't want to lose my scholarship. It will put pressure on my parents. I am afraid. I don't feel very much support. I feel very unstable and vulnerable, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. But acknowledging that is a step I suppose.
Thought 9. I wish I took Creative Writing for 3 years in High School. But I took zero years. I wish I took debate my whole life. But I took zero years. I wish I took Drafting all through High School. But I took zero years. I wish I took 3 years of math in High School. But I took 2 years. I wish I took year and years of Art. But I took much less than that.
Thought 10. No regrets.
Thought 11. I've noticed that fat kids don't ride bikes around campus, neither do they skateboard. This means one of two things. 1. Skateboarding and bike riding is good exercise and keep the doers thin. or 2. Fat kids are physically unable to skateboard or bike.
Thought 12. How did college students at the University of Utah cross Wasatch Drive before the Legacy Bridge was built in 2002? Did they have to stop traffic with a crosswalk light? What a nuisance. Why did they not think of a bridge earlier? Wierdies.
Thought 13. I don't know anyone on campus, so why should I care if someone see's me pick my nose? I had at it for probably 6 seconds. It was the longest I've picked my nose in public. Then I looked up and saw a boy I know. He waved. I think he saw me. For 6 whole seconds.
Thought 14. I have come to the conclusion that navigating a skateboard through hundreds of students on a sidewalk is harder than navigating a longboard through hundreds of students on a sidewalk.
Thought 15. Riding either a skateboard or longboard over the thump-thump thump-thumps of the sidewalk would not be fun on a full bladder.
Thought 16. There seems to be some kind of a power struggle between my Calculus teacher and myself.
Thought 17. I have a rainbow colored backpack with a unicorn on it and purple glasses. I wonder how many people have thought I'm a lesbian.
Thought 18. I think my Calculus teacher might have a crush on me.
Thought 19. Today I saw an under-cover cop in a mini-van. Welcome to Utah.
Jarred Caterpillars
Today's heat smelled like caterpillars for about one minute. On my way to Sign Language, I took a really deep breath in for no reason, and a very distinct memory came to my mind. I remembered collecting bugs, particularly caterpillars, and keeping them in a class jar with grass and leaves and a few twigs. I'd poke a million holes in the lid so the caterpillar wouldn't sufficate. I don't think I realized that caterpillars probably don't use very much oxygen per inhalation. I'd often just watch the colorful hair of the caterpillar scrunch up then stretch out as the bug moved up a stick or burrowed into the grass. The smell of the hot air today was the exact smell of a jar of caterpillar. The smell-memory disappeared when I was distracted by a passing motorized bicycle.
So I closed it.
It was a testing experience, reading something written by someone I love, saying that everything I've ever believed or chosen to believe or chosen to know is not true. Either my dinner suddenly became heavy in my stomach, or as I read, the hope and belief I have that brings me happiness in this life was being contradicted in my mind. After experiencing a brief feeling of the hopelessless brought on by this different way of thinking, I decided I had the choice to continue entertaining doubt by reading on, or to rid my entire body, or so it felt, of that possessing, dampening spirit by closing the writing. So I closed it.
People Watching
When I walk to my classes, I look up and try to look at lots of people. I have always enjoyed people watching, and I've never people watched anywhere with more diversity and interesting people than here at the U. It's fun hearing seconds of a phone call when someone walks by on his/her phone, wondering if that is an ipod that boy is holding up to his ear like a cell phone, watching groups of people laugh loudly at something apparently very funny, watching the boy walk with his head down, wondering how he is managing to not bump into anything or anyone and wishing he'd just look up, seeing the girl limping funny because of the blister on her heel covered by spiderman bandaid, listening to the longboarder with the hat get mad and swear at the man in the red shirt walking on the sidewalk because the man didn't hear the longboarder coming and didn't move out of the way so the longboarder had to hit him, watching the speed and skill of the real longboarders who can manoeuver through countless kids and small gaps by barely leaning, making eye contact with everyone who looks at me and half smiling in a "Hi, I am not afraid to make eye contact with you, and it doesn't mean I think you are cute or think you are too pretty or anything, I just like smiling at people" way, wondering if the person I'm looking at with the reflective sunglasses on is looking at me and if he/she is I'd better look away quick, wanting to be reading or studying like the people in the shade on that green grass instead of rushing to class, wondering what kind of music is coming out of those headphones, wondering if she's smiling at me because she also notices that our hair is similar but different colors or if she's just being happy, wondering how that boy broke his elbow and how long he'll have to have that straight cast from his shoulder to his thumb on for, trying to see the cover of that book he's reading to see if it sounds good or if I have read it, imagining bumping into myself as I walked to class and being stunned that I have a twin but not having time to stop and talk to her, or wondering what her text says that is making her so happy. I wish I could read minds too.
Melancholy
Empty, forgotten, friendless, alone, afraid, unknown, timid, need, detached, unsure, unattended, isolated, free.
The Shape of Content
Excerpt from Ben Shann's book The Shape of Content
Attend a university if you possibly can. There is no content of knowledge that is not pertinent to the work you will want to do. But before you attend a university work at something for a while. Do anything. Get a job in a potato field; or work as a grease-monkey in an auto repair shop. But if you do work in a field do not fail to observe the look and feel of earth and of all things that you handle-- yes, even potatoes! Or, in the auto shop, the smell of oil and grease and burning rubber. Paint of course, but if you have to lay aside painting for a time, continue to draw. Listen well to all conversations and be instructed by them and take all seriousness seriously. Never look down upon anything or anyone as not worthy of notice. In college or out of college, read. And form opinions! Read Sophocles and Euripides and Dante and Proust. Read everything that you can find about art except the reviews. Read the Bible; read Hume; read Pogo. Read all kinds of poetry and know many poets and many artists. Go to an art school, or two, or three, or take art courses at night if necessary. And paint and paint and draw and draw. Know all that you can, both curricular and non-curricular-- mathmatics and physics and economics, logic, and particularly history. Know at least two languages besides your own, but anyway, know French. Look at pictures and more pictures. Look at every kind of visual symbol, every kind of emblem; do not spurn signboards or furniture drawings or this style of art of that style of art. Do not be afraid to like paintings honestly or to dislike them honestly, but if you do dislike them retain an open mind. Do not dismiss any school of art, not the Pre-Raphaelites nor the Hudson River School nor the German Genre painters. Talk and talk and sit at cafes, and listen to everything, to Brahms, to Brubeck, to the Italian hour on the radio. Listen to preachers in small town churches and in big city churches. Listen to politicians in New England town meetings and to rabble-rousers in Alabama. Even draw them. And remember that you are trying to learn to think what you want to think, that you are trying to co-ordinate mind and hand and eye. Go to all sorts of museums and galleries and to the studios of artists. Go to Paris and Madrid and Rome and Ravenna and Padua. Stand alone in Sainte Chapelle, in the Sistine Chapel, in the Church of the Carmine in Florence. Draw and draw and paint and learn to work in many media; try lithography and aquatint and silk-screen. Know all that you can about art, and by all means have opinions. Never be afraid to become embroiled in art or life or politics; neverbe afraid to learn to draw or paint better than you already do; and never be afraid to undertake any kind of art at all, however exalted or however common, but do it with distinction.
Attend a university if you possibly can. There is no content of knowledge that is not pertinent to the work you will want to do. But before you attend a university work at something for a while. Do anything. Get a job in a potato field; or work as a grease-monkey in an auto repair shop. But if you do work in a field do not fail to observe the look and feel of earth and of all things that you handle-- yes, even potatoes! Or, in the auto shop, the smell of oil and grease and burning rubber. Paint of course, but if you have to lay aside painting for a time, continue to draw. Listen well to all conversations and be instructed by them and take all seriousness seriously. Never look down upon anything or anyone as not worthy of notice. In college or out of college, read. And form opinions! Read Sophocles and Euripides and Dante and Proust. Read everything that you can find about art except the reviews. Read the Bible; read Hume; read Pogo. Read all kinds of poetry and know many poets and many artists. Go to an art school, or two, or three, or take art courses at night if necessary. And paint and paint and draw and draw. Know all that you can, both curricular and non-curricular-- mathmatics and physics and economics, logic, and particularly history. Know at least two languages besides your own, but anyway, know French. Look at pictures and more pictures. Look at every kind of visual symbol, every kind of emblem; do not spurn signboards or furniture drawings or this style of art of that style of art. Do not be afraid to like paintings honestly or to dislike them honestly, but if you do dislike them retain an open mind. Do not dismiss any school of art, not the Pre-Raphaelites nor the Hudson River School nor the German Genre painters. Talk and talk and sit at cafes, and listen to everything, to Brahms, to Brubeck, to the Italian hour on the radio. Listen to preachers in small town churches and in big city churches. Listen to politicians in New England town meetings and to rabble-rousers in Alabama. Even draw them. And remember that you are trying to learn to think what you want to think, that you are trying to co-ordinate mind and hand and eye. Go to all sorts of museums and galleries and to the studios of artists. Go to Paris and Madrid and Rome and Ravenna and Padua. Stand alone in Sainte Chapelle, in the Sistine Chapel, in the Church of the Carmine in Florence. Draw and draw and paint and learn to work in many media; try lithography and aquatint and silk-screen. Know all that you can about art, and by all means have opinions. Never be afraid to become embroiled in art or life or politics; neverbe afraid to learn to draw or paint better than you already do; and never be afraid to undertake any kind of art at all, however exalted or however common, but do it with distinction.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
