My "suitemates" and I are brainstorming ideas that will save us toilet paper. It's amazing how fast one roll goes split among 4 girls. So far we have:
1. Don't use our bathroom. Go at the HC, at all your classes, etc. (Kylie's idea)
2. Ask our parents to send us care packages purely made up of toilet paper. (mine and Kristen's idea)
3. Only use one square. (Sheryl Crow's idea)
4. Steal strands from everywhere you go. (my idea)
5. Steal an entire roll when the tp dispensers happen to pop open when you pull too hard when tearing. (Kristen's idea)
6. Only pee in the shower. (Kristen's idea)
7. Don't use it, just wash your hands really well (my idea)
As you can see, our brainstorming has turned pretty desperate. Any additionaly ideas would be appreciated.
My Plans
1. Study Abroad. Until recently I was planning on going to Italy next fall for one semester. I found out though, that the program I had been researching (API- Academic Programs International) would not carry my scholarship over. If I go through isep (international student exchange program), my scholarship would go through. This changes things. I can no longer go to the University I had been really looking into in Italy. Then, as I look through the new magazine for isep, I find that I might not be able to go to Italy at all because I don’t know Italian. I have yet to figure out if I can go as an English-speaking student, but I plan to find that out soon. I’m still a little frustrated because I had already figured out what classes I’d take going through API and I was excited. Dang it.
2. Keep a 3.7 for 4 years so my tuition and housing continues to be paid for by the U. The problem with this scholarship though, it that I have to live on campus. I really don’t wan to live in dorms for 4 years, so I looked into the Officers Housing on Officer’s Circle. There is one house I would be able to get into, if I made the application cut. It’s called the Poulsen Honors House. These houses fit 12 students, I think 6 boys and 6 girls. If I got into one of those, I think I could live there for 2 years. I’d try to get in not next year, because I’m planning to study abroad in the fall, but the next fall, fall of ’09. If for some reason I am unable to study abroad, I want to apply to get in for next year. I’m already nervous about not making it in. I’d love it. I want to live in a house or apartment, but that means living off campus and that means cash. So hopefully hopefully hopefully I can make it into the Honors House.
I sometimes catch myself holding my breath. i.e. when I’m trying to be quiet when my roommate is asleep, when I’m shaving my legs, when I’m putting on mascara, etc.
Is this sentence not weird? I feel like the last piece needs to be a little more descriptive to fit in…
“…For every sense was touched: in the color of clipped plant materials, the sound of signing wind and splashing water, the soft caress of moss and the roughness of stone, the honeyed scent of boxwood and blossom, and the taste of water.”
Today I heard 2 auditory hallucinations. One at 7:10 ish AM and one at 9:45 ish AM.
The 7:10 ish hallucination happened as I was walking to physics. A boy was walking just a few seconds behind me for a while, when suddenly I heard him say “Hey” in a loudish whisper. Not Hey! Or HEY! But Hey. Like, Hey, look at this. Or something. I stopped immediately and pivoted to look at him, and to my surprise he had slowed down or something and was probably about 50 feet behind me. There was no way it was him who said hey. I quickly turned back around before he saw that I had stopped and turned out of nowhere. It was still very dark this morning at 7:10, so then my mind started playing more tricks on me and I had to just pull out my notebook and write instead of looking around at shadows and trees and other creepy things nature can do in the dark.
The 9:45 ish hallucination happened in the Union building. I went to take a nap on the comfy black couches between 2 classes and had just lied down and was trying to decide whether or not I should keep my phone in my pocket (If I got a text it might wake me up, but I was so tired maybe it’d be good to wake up if I got a text in case I slept through Calculus). Let’s put down some side notes.
1. Samsung phones, I think, or at least all the ones I’ve had, all vibrate 6 times when a text comes through.
2. Sometimes when I’m thinking about getting a text, I’ll get one. I’m sure that happens to other people too.
3. When sitting on a couch with a phone in a back pocket, often the sound make by the vibration is amplified through the couch. Sometimes others feel the vibration, but almost always the sound of the vibration is louder and more noticeable when on a couch.
Okay, so as I’m lying there with my head on the side arm thing, thinking about getting a text, I got one. I heard it very loudly through the couch. I didn’t feel it in my pocket, but after having the same phone in the same pocket for almost a year, I’m used to not feeling it. I pulled out my phone, and to my surprise, there was no new text. I sat up and looked at the people around me to see if anyone had pulled out their phone, but no one had. Then I decided there had to be a phone in the couch. I looked down the cracks of the cushions, but I found no phone. There also weren’t any bags or backpacks touching the couch I was on in which a phone could be hiding. I know I heard the 6 vibrations of a Samsung phone. I know it…
Yesterday I walked past a bush that had covered the ground around it in pink sprinkles. It was beautiful.
My favorite tree is the.. pear tree? I think? Or blossoming pear or something. Anyways, they are so pretty. They turn red at the tops and go through a million colors down to the bottom of the tree where it is still green. Eventually all the leaves die and fall off, but there are beautiful rainbows down trees everywhere until then. Maroon, Red, Orange, Beige, Pink, Yellow, Teal, Green, every color a leaf can be! They are amazing.
There are many kinds of addictions; Drug addictions, Alcohol addictions, Porn addictions, Sex addictions, Diet addictions, Exercise addictions, etc. Today I decided I have been addicted to a person. I used to be physically, emotionally, and socially addicted to this person. Now I am only slightly emotionally addicted. And that slightly is getting slighter and slighter daily. I’m still suffering the effects of the emotional addiction along with the social addiction, but as I do so I’m learning more and more about myself. It’s an interesting recovery, and probably similar to any other addiction recovery. I had just never thought of it that way.
I am amazed at the effects of exercise. While running or working out in some way, I’m not usually having loads of fun, but the positive mood I feel for the rest of the day pushes me through it. I love it.
What I don’t love is that I took 2 naps today, one at the Union for an hour and a half, and one in my own bed for a good 3 hours. I had a lousy night’s sleep last night, but my naps often don’t count toward the night before, but toward the upcoming night. I’m sad that I won’t be able to fall asleep forever tonight because no matter how awake I feel in the evening, I’m still as tired as ever in the morning at 6:15 when I wake up for Physics or at 7:15 when I wake up for Institute. Bleh.
Boring Blog. Sorry if you read it J
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
My Greek Philosophy
“What the Greeks endeavored to achieve in all things was arête, that quality of excellence that results from refinement and testing in all human endeavors. Arête was an all-encompassing physical, moral, and intellectual excellence requiring a balance in life and achieved through rigorous self-discipline.
“Nothing to excess” sums up the Greek view of life, and it was for this reason that Greeks had no time for specialists. A person of arête did all things well and kept in balance. To realize a well-ordered life, a person endeavored to exercise strength and power in restraint, to value quality before achievement, and personal honor over opulence.”
Nothing to excess. Never too much family, too much friends, too much sleep, too much partying. Never too much eating, too much dieting, too much exercise, too much loafing. Never too much drinking, too much sports, too much shopping, too much homework. Never too much church, too much myspace, too much texting, too much video game. Never too much reading, too much cuddling, too much ice cream, too much dancing. Never too much crying, too much laughing, too much makeup, too much gossip. Nothing to excess.
The past few days I’ve started trying to moderate my life in as many aspects as possible. I’m trying to be physically, intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, and socially balanced. I’m slightly obsessive compulsive in that everything I do is very organized and most of it planned, but I feel productive and successful this way. If anything is slightly sloppy or spontaneous, I keep it confined in a 2-foot bubble around me. It’s proving difficult to describe the way I’m living this Greek philosophy. I’m sure most of this is mental. Had someone been watching me for the past couple weeks they probably wouldn’t be able to tell a difference between last week and the last few days, but luckily no one has been, so I can exaggerate the difference I feel as much as I’d like.
“Nothing to excess” sums up the Greek view of life, and it was for this reason that Greeks had no time for specialists. A person of arête did all things well and kept in balance. To realize a well-ordered life, a person endeavored to exercise strength and power in restraint, to value quality before achievement, and personal honor over opulence.”
Nothing to excess. Never too much family, too much friends, too much sleep, too much partying. Never too much eating, too much dieting, too much exercise, too much loafing. Never too much drinking, too much sports, too much shopping, too much homework. Never too much church, too much myspace, too much texting, too much video game. Never too much reading, too much cuddling, too much ice cream, too much dancing. Never too much crying, too much laughing, too much makeup, too much gossip. Nothing to excess.
The past few days I’ve started trying to moderate my life in as many aspects as possible. I’m trying to be physically, intellectually, spiritually, emotionally, and socially balanced. I’m slightly obsessive compulsive in that everything I do is very organized and most of it planned, but I feel productive and successful this way. If anything is slightly sloppy or spontaneous, I keep it confined in a 2-foot bubble around me. It’s proving difficult to describe the way I’m living this Greek philosophy. I’m sure most of this is mental. Had someone been watching me for the past couple weeks they probably wouldn’t be able to tell a difference between last week and the last few days, but luckily no one has been, so I can exaggerate the difference I feel as much as I’d like.
Good Day
Would it be annoying to be forced to listen to music in another language whenever you were in your room? I agree. But I hate these earbuds :( Learn English dang it!
I rearranged my half of the room today. Ever since Elementary School when I'd change the layout of my books and papers and pencils and hidden box of sugar cubes and other odds and ends inside my desk, I've been a big fan of rearranging. Even with only 2 pieces of furniture and about a 9' x 9' area to work with, the rejuvinating cleanliness that comes along with changing the layout of my living space is exactly what I needed today to motivate myself back into life. Perfect.
The other day I was visiting my home in Centerville. I sat down with the newspaper to bring myself up to date in the world becaues I don't get the paper in college and haven't put forth the effort to do any reading online. These are some, not all, but some of the headlines I saw:
Rapist not sure freedom is best
Husband charged in hit-and-run death
A Sad Farewell
Police kill man after 2 stabbings
Clues are sought in girl's disappearance
2 Jail escapees indicted
Pot bust in Sandy
Jeppson in court to hear Kiplyn murder charge
Woman is found dead in her house
Teen gunman injures 4, kills self at Cleveland school
Injured rescuer sues family of boy left disabled after near drowning(this is ridiculous: a one-year-old who was found without a pulse in a pool was rescued by a rescue crew. The boy survived, but has severe brain damage and can't eat, swallow, talk, or walk. The day of the near-drowning, one of the rescuers slipped on a puddle of water somewhere in the family's house. She broke her knee cap and was out of service for about 2 months. Now she is trying to sue the family for the injury. Of course there will be water in the house, the kid nearly drowned. What a jerk.)
Offenders must post "No Candy" ("To discourage contact with children, some registered sex offenders in Maryland will be asked to post signs at their homes that say "No Candy at this Residence" on Halloween." Sad.)
It made me not feel so bad that I don't get the newspaper.
From my book "Understanding Architecture; Its Elements, History, and Meaning" I have for you a couple lines that I enjoyed:
"The method used to ascertain truth by the scholars of the thirteenth century was scholasticism, the application of Classical Aristotelian logic to explain and reconcile inconsistencies between early church writings, the civil law compiled by Justinian, and canon law. It was inevitable that such investigations would lead to doubt, but as Abelard, one of the principal philosophers in Paris, observed, doubt would lead to inquiry and inquiry to truth."
"Small wonder that the Athenian philosopher Protagoras of Abdera, a friend of Perikles, should write in his essay Truth, "Man is the measure of all things, of those which are that they are, and of those which are not that they are not." In the Greek, this can also be taken to mean "man is the measure of all things," meaning that truth is relative to human perception and interpretation."
I recently had my hair cut and colored, and for a few days there were some blonde highlights which are now more brown. One day, when the highlights were still blonde, my 5 year old niece said to me, in all seriousness, "I didn't recognize you because of your gold hair. I have gold hair from the sun. I have gold hair from the sun because I play hard." Cutie.
That's all for now.
(10.15.7)
I rearranged my half of the room today. Ever since Elementary School when I'd change the layout of my books and papers and pencils and hidden box of sugar cubes and other odds and ends inside my desk, I've been a big fan of rearranging. Even with only 2 pieces of furniture and about a 9' x 9' area to work with, the rejuvinating cleanliness that comes along with changing the layout of my living space is exactly what I needed today to motivate myself back into life. Perfect.
The other day I was visiting my home in Centerville. I sat down with the newspaper to bring myself up to date in the world becaues I don't get the paper in college and haven't put forth the effort to do any reading online. These are some, not all, but some of the headlines I saw:
Rapist not sure freedom is best
Husband charged in hit-and-run death
A Sad Farewell
Police kill man after 2 stabbings
Clues are sought in girl's disappearance
2 Jail escapees indicted
Pot bust in Sandy
Jeppson in court to hear Kiplyn murder charge
Woman is found dead in her house
Teen gunman injures 4, kills self at Cleveland school
Injured rescuer sues family of boy left disabled after near drowning(this is ridiculous: a one-year-old who was found without a pulse in a pool was rescued by a rescue crew. The boy survived, but has severe brain damage and can't eat, swallow, talk, or walk. The day of the near-drowning, one of the rescuers slipped on a puddle of water somewhere in the family's house. She broke her knee cap and was out of service for about 2 months. Now she is trying to sue the family for the injury. Of course there will be water in the house, the kid nearly drowned. What a jerk.)
Offenders must post "No Candy" ("To discourage contact with children, some registered sex offenders in Maryland will be asked to post signs at their homes that say "No Candy at this Residence" on Halloween." Sad.)
It made me not feel so bad that I don't get the newspaper.
From my book "Understanding Architecture; Its Elements, History, and Meaning" I have for you a couple lines that I enjoyed:
"The method used to ascertain truth by the scholars of the thirteenth century was scholasticism, the application of Classical Aristotelian logic to explain and reconcile inconsistencies between early church writings, the civil law compiled by Justinian, and canon law. It was inevitable that such investigations would lead to doubt, but as Abelard, one of the principal philosophers in Paris, observed, doubt would lead to inquiry and inquiry to truth."
"Small wonder that the Athenian philosopher Protagoras of Abdera, a friend of Perikles, should write in his essay Truth, "Man is the measure of all things, of those which are that they are, and of those which are not that they are not." In the Greek, this can also be taken to mean "man is the measure of all things," meaning that truth is relative to human perception and interpretation."
I recently had my hair cut and colored, and for a few days there were some blonde highlights which are now more brown. One day, when the highlights were still blonde, my 5 year old niece said to me, in all seriousness, "I didn't recognize you because of your gold hair. I have gold hair from the sun. I have gold hair from the sun because I play hard." Cutie.
That's all for now.
(10.15.7)
AIDS
I just heard about the death of a man I was associated with for a short time who died on Saturday of AIDS. I've never known someone with AIDS, let alone had them die from it. AIDS has always seemed far away and only spoken of, not actually experienced. For some reason it's just a little hard for me to understand.
Scott Douglas Morgan "Our Scrooge"
Scott Douglas Morgan passed away Oct. 6, 2007. He loved music and acting and performed in theatres throughout the valley for over 30 years. His favorite role was of Ebenezer Scrooge-a role that changed his life. After graduating from Granger High School and serving an LDS mission in Paris, France, Scott drifted from his standards.
During this period, he struggled with addiction and also contracted HIV and Aids, diseases which he survived for 21 years. In 1997, Scott was cast as the understudy for Scrooge in Hale Centre Theatre's "A Christmas Carol." During his first performance, Scott's life profoundly changed. "I will have Christmas in my heart and try to keep it all the year. I shall live in the past, the present and the future, the Spirits of all three shall strive within me and I will not shut out the lessons they teach." This was the beginning of an amazing transformation. Scott began a difficult repentance process during which he courted Tammy Eves, a long-time friend and fellow actor in HCT's "Fiddler on The Roof." On closing night of the show, Scott proposed to Tammy in front of a sold-out crowd. The two were married onstage Sept. 24, 1999, and were later sealed in the Salt Lake Temple on Aug. 30, 2002. Scott and Tammy shared the stage together for the last time in Dec. 2006.
Scott served in several church callings, most recently on the high council of the Midvale North Stake. He had an incredible testimony of the Atonement and was never afraid to share it. One of Scott's mottos was "It's all about choice." He wanted everybody to have the hope that a child can change. Scott was born March 30, 1958 to Douglas W. Morgan and Barbara Coombs Morgan. He was preceded in death by two siblings: Lynn Morgan and Laura Harms. He is survived by his wife, parents and two siblings: Milton Morgan (Gerri), Lydia Moyes (Scott) as well as many in-laws, nieces and nephews and great nieces and nephews.
The family wishes to thank Dr. Larry Reimer and the U Medical Center staff for their years of care and friendship. In lieu of flowers, the family suggests donations to the Scott D. Morgan Memorial Fund (in Tammy's name) at Bank of American Fork. Funeral services are scheduled for Fri., Oct. 12, 11 a.m. at the Midvale North Stake, 97 West 7500 South. A viewing will be held one hour prior to the services, and on Thurs. Oct. 11, 6-8 p.m. at the Jenkins Soffe Mortuary, 4760 State St. Interment, Midvale City Cemetery.
(10.10.7)
Scott Douglas Morgan "Our Scrooge"
Scott Douglas Morgan passed away Oct. 6, 2007. He loved music and acting and performed in theatres throughout the valley for over 30 years. His favorite role was of Ebenezer Scrooge-a role that changed his life. After graduating from Granger High School and serving an LDS mission in Paris, France, Scott drifted from his standards.
During this period, he struggled with addiction and also contracted HIV and Aids, diseases which he survived for 21 years. In 1997, Scott was cast as the understudy for Scrooge in Hale Centre Theatre's "A Christmas Carol." During his first performance, Scott's life profoundly changed. "I will have Christmas in my heart and try to keep it all the year. I shall live in the past, the present and the future, the Spirits of all three shall strive within me and I will not shut out the lessons they teach." This was the beginning of an amazing transformation. Scott began a difficult repentance process during which he courted Tammy Eves, a long-time friend and fellow actor in HCT's "Fiddler on The Roof." On closing night of the show, Scott proposed to Tammy in front of a sold-out crowd. The two were married onstage Sept. 24, 1999, and were later sealed in the Salt Lake Temple on Aug. 30, 2002. Scott and Tammy shared the stage together for the last time in Dec. 2006.
Scott served in several church callings, most recently on the high council of the Midvale North Stake. He had an incredible testimony of the Atonement and was never afraid to share it. One of Scott's mottos was "It's all about choice." He wanted everybody to have the hope that a child can change. Scott was born March 30, 1958 to Douglas W. Morgan and Barbara Coombs Morgan. He was preceded in death by two siblings: Lynn Morgan and Laura Harms. He is survived by his wife, parents and two siblings: Milton Morgan (Gerri), Lydia Moyes (Scott) as well as many in-laws, nieces and nephews and great nieces and nephews.
The family wishes to thank Dr. Larry Reimer and the U Medical Center staff for their years of care and friendship. In lieu of flowers, the family suggests donations to the Scott D. Morgan Memorial Fund (in Tammy's name) at Bank of American Fork. Funeral services are scheduled for Fri., Oct. 12, 11 a.m. at the Midvale North Stake, 97 West 7500 South. A viewing will be held one hour prior to the services, and on Thurs. Oct. 11, 6-8 p.m. at the Jenkins Soffe Mortuary, 4760 State St. Interment, Midvale City Cemetery.
(10.10.7)
Fall Break
(10.9.7)
This week I want to get some things done. It is almost half way gone, so I need to start moving as soon as I get off this compy. I have some homework I want to get done so I don't have to worry about it next week. I want to get some done tonight, some tomorrow. Then be finished. And not have it pressing my conscience every few hours. I need to
1. Read two long chapters (11 and 12) from Understanding Architecture and possibly take notes on them if I want to be a overachiever, which I secretly do.
2. Do a practice exam for a Calculus test on Tuesday. Questions from the exam will come from the practice exam, so I'd be an idiot not to do it.
3. Read chapter 6 in my Physics book so I will understand the assignments I do next week.
See. Not very much to do. But I want to get it done really soon. That way I will have the rest of Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday and Sunday to
1. Clean my dorm.
A.Vacuum.
B. Organize my desk.
C. Get rid of some clothes from my over-flowing drawers.
D. Clean the bathroom, somewhat.
2. Read the last 12.5 pages of Self-Reliance by Ralph Waldo Emerson. No, not read. Understand the last 12.5 pages of Self -Reliance by Ralph Waldo Emerson.
3. Watch Rad.
4. Figure out my future.
A. Write down next semester's schedule plan
B. Figure out any Gen Ed's I still need and place them somewhere in next year's spring semester.
C. Hopefully find that all basic requirements will be completed within 3 semesters at the University, leaving room for one Semester to Study Abroad in Italy taking whatever classes I choose. Classes that don't hold me back transcript wise if they don't transfer correctly.
D. Decide which of the 5 Universities in Italy would be the most benifitial to me and my future.
E. Find out if my scholarship would cover the same finances in Italy that it does here.
F. Figure out how much Italy would cost based off the information found in E.
G. Figure out every detail about Studying Abroad, including cost, dates, deadlines, plane rides, etc. so I can present a very well organized and thought out plan to my parents.
5. Go to Provo for one night. Sleep at sister Michelle's. Have a dance party with Mindy. Play with both Mindy and Annie for longer than 5 minutes. (Clancee's fault.)
6. Go to Logan for one night. Sleep at sister Sara's. Have a dance party with Sara. Play with Tyler and Jared and Trent. Find Ali Drake and talk to her.
7. Visit Jo Bradbury.
8. Visit my old family called the Cheney's.
9. Write letters to missionary friends
A. Ben Rasmussen
B. Mike Walter
C. Greg Whipple
10. Visit Bryan Mortenson. Have good conversation.
11. Find small somethings like the wine decorations in Mrs. Bradbury's art classroom to decorate my dorm wall with. Not that I really care to, but because I feel when people come to visit they wish there was something on my wall. I'm such a conformist.
12. Read Harry Potter 7. Yes, I still have not finished the book. I don't really want to. I likehaving something to look forward to in the wizarding world. Since I was in 4th grade there has always been future to Harry Potter and I am not sure I'm ready for it to be over.
13. Read Uncle Tom's Cabin. I hear references to it a lot and have never read it.
14. Read Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. Just because.
15. Get a massage at Massage Envy.
16. Play Guitar Hero. Get at least 4 stars on all the songs on Hard.
17. Play with Cael, Jared, and Trent.
I suppose that is all. Quite the list. This is more for me than you. I needed to write down everything I wanted to do this week before I forgot. I'm excited.
On your marks, Get set, Go.
This week I want to get some things done. It is almost half way gone, so I need to start moving as soon as I get off this compy. I have some homework I want to get done so I don't have to worry about it next week. I want to get some done tonight, some tomorrow. Then be finished. And not have it pressing my conscience every few hours. I need to
1. Read two long chapters (11 and 12) from Understanding Architecture and possibly take notes on them if I want to be a overachiever, which I secretly do.
2. Do a practice exam for a Calculus test on Tuesday. Questions from the exam will come from the practice exam, so I'd be an idiot not to do it.
3. Read chapter 6 in my Physics book so I will understand the assignments I do next week.
See. Not very much to do. But I want to get it done really soon. That way I will have the rest of Tuesday Wednesday Thursday Friday Saturday and Sunday to
1. Clean my dorm.
A.Vacuum.
B. Organize my desk.
C. Get rid of some clothes from my over-flowing drawers.
D. Clean the bathroom, somewhat.
2. Read the last 12.5 pages of Self-Reliance by Ralph Waldo Emerson. No, not read. Understand the last 12.5 pages of Self -Reliance by Ralph Waldo Emerson.
3. Watch Rad.
4. Figure out my future.
A. Write down next semester's schedule plan
B. Figure out any Gen Ed's I still need and place them somewhere in next year's spring semester.
C. Hopefully find that all basic requirements will be completed within 3 semesters at the University, leaving room for one Semester to Study Abroad in Italy taking whatever classes I choose. Classes that don't hold me back transcript wise if they don't transfer correctly.
D. Decide which of the 5 Universities in Italy would be the most benifitial to me and my future.
E. Find out if my scholarship would cover the same finances in Italy that it does here.
F. Figure out how much Italy would cost based off the information found in E.
G. Figure out every detail about Studying Abroad, including cost, dates, deadlines, plane rides, etc. so I can present a very well organized and thought out plan to my parents.
5. Go to Provo for one night. Sleep at sister Michelle's. Have a dance party with Mindy. Play with both Mindy and Annie for longer than 5 minutes. (Clancee's fault.)
6. Go to Logan for one night. Sleep at sister Sara's. Have a dance party with Sara. Play with Tyler and Jared and Trent. Find Ali Drake and talk to her.
7. Visit Jo Bradbury.
8. Visit my old family called the Cheney's.
9. Write letters to missionary friends
A. Ben Rasmussen
B. Mike Walter
C. Greg Whipple
10. Visit Bryan Mortenson. Have good conversation.
11. Find small somethings like the wine decorations in Mrs. Bradbury's art classroom to decorate my dorm wall with. Not that I really care to, but because I feel when people come to visit they wish there was something on my wall. I'm such a conformist.
12. Read Harry Potter 7. Yes, I still have not finished the book. I don't really want to. I likehaving something to look forward to in the wizarding world. Since I was in 4th grade there has always been future to Harry Potter and I am not sure I'm ready for it to be over.
13. Read Uncle Tom's Cabin. I hear references to it a lot and have never read it.
14. Read Mere Christianity by C.S. Lewis. Just because.
15. Get a massage at Massage Envy.
16. Play Guitar Hero. Get at least 4 stars on all the songs on Hard.
17. Play with Cael, Jared, and Trent.
I suppose that is all. Quite the list. This is more for me than you. I needed to write down everything I wanted to do this week before I forgot. I'm excited.
On your marks, Get set, Go.
Wednesday, October 3, 2007
Goodbye Hyesun?
I just signed a paper for my roommate saying it's okay if she moves out. She wants to move to Sage Point where they have kitchens. I am sad. Sure, we don't talk much- it's hard when she doesn't speak English very well- but I enjoy her. I feel comfortable in my own room, whereas with other roommates I'm afraid I wouldn't. I like having this language and cultural barrier. It alows us to be in the same room in silence and being 100 percent okay with the silence. I like that she set up the rule no boys in the room past 10:30. I don't want a roommate who would bring in some of the experiences some people on my floor have had. ie boys hanging out in the room til five while the roommate is wanting to go to bed, boys sleeping over, her getting high in the room, watching tv all the time, watching movies I don't like, listening to annoying music, never going to bed, etc. I hope I can just have my own room for the rest of the semester. But I doubt it. Hyesun might not move out until semester anyways. I'm suprised at how much I don't want her to move out. Shoot. I don't want a new roommy. I like her.
:(
:(
Monday, October 1, 2007
Dermographic Urticaria
DERMOGRAPHIC URTICARIA
Dermatographic urticaria (also known as dermographism, dermatographism or "skin writing") is a skin disorder seen in 4-5% of the population[1], in which the skin becomes raised and inflamed when stroked or rubbed with a dull object[2]. The symptoms are thought to be caused by mast cells in the surface of the skin releasing histamines without the presence of antigens, due to the presence of a weak membrane surrounding the mast cells. The histamines released cause the skin to swell in the affected areas.
This weak membrane easily and rapidly breaks down under physical pressure causing an allergic-like reaction, generally a red welt to appear on the skin. It can often be confused with an allergic reaction to the object causing a scratch, when in fact it is the act of being scratched that causes a welt to appear. These welts are a subset of hives that appear within minutes, accompanied by a sensation of burning, and/or itchiness. The first outbreak of hives can lead to others on body parts not directly stimulated, scraped or scratched. In a normal case the swelling has reduced itself with no treatment within 15-30 minutes, but in extreme cases, itchy red wheals may last anwhere from a few hours to days.
Dermatographism can be caused by stress, tight or abrasive clothing, watches, glasses, energetic kissing, heat, cold, or anything that causes stress to the skin. In many cases it is merely a minor annoyance, but in some rare cases symptoms are severe enough to impact a patient's life.
It can be treated by antihistamines or cromoglicate, as they prevent the histamine from causing the reaction. The underlying cause of dermographism is not known, and can last for many years without relief. 95% of chronic cases are never solved. Sometimes the condition goes away, sometimes it stays forever. It is not a life threatening disease.
ZYRTEC
ZYRTEC® (cetirizine HCl) is a prescription medicine that treats both indoor and outdoor allergy symptoms. And it also treats itching due to chronic hives. Studies show that 1 dose of ZYRTEC works for a full 24 hours.
In clinical studies, people taking ZYRTEC were relieved of their symptoms within 1 hour. Studies show that symptom relief from a single dose of ZYRTEC lasts 24 hours.
Basically, with Dermographism, if something scratches me or simply rubs against my arm or stomach or back, a red welt appears. This welt itches and burns. If I subconciously scratch my back or my head or neck or shoulder or stomach, it starts to itch and burn so I scratch it before I catch myself. Once it's been scratched more welts come and more burning comes. I've tried putting myself in some kind of a straight jacket, to no avail. It's impossible not to scratch when it itches.It's a horrible mental game. Zyrtec didn't kick in very fast last night. I was up until about 2:30 or so, trying to get my mind off of scratching. It's a really lousy way to spend time in bed.
Dermatographic urticaria (also known as dermographism, dermatographism or "skin writing") is a skin disorder seen in 4-5% of the population[1], in which the skin becomes raised and inflamed when stroked or rubbed with a dull object[2]. The symptoms are thought to be caused by mast cells in the surface of the skin releasing histamines without the presence of antigens, due to the presence of a weak membrane surrounding the mast cells. The histamines released cause the skin to swell in the affected areas.
This weak membrane easily and rapidly breaks down under physical pressure causing an allergic-like reaction, generally a red welt to appear on the skin. It can often be confused with an allergic reaction to the object causing a scratch, when in fact it is the act of being scratched that causes a welt to appear. These welts are a subset of hives that appear within minutes, accompanied by a sensation of burning, and/or itchiness. The first outbreak of hives can lead to others on body parts not directly stimulated, scraped or scratched. In a normal case the swelling has reduced itself with no treatment within 15-30 minutes, but in extreme cases, itchy red wheals may last anwhere from a few hours to days.
Dermatographism can be caused by stress, tight or abrasive clothing, watches, glasses, energetic kissing, heat, cold, or anything that causes stress to the skin. In many cases it is merely a minor annoyance, but in some rare cases symptoms are severe enough to impact a patient's life.
It can be treated by antihistamines or cromoglicate, as they prevent the histamine from causing the reaction. The underlying cause of dermographism is not known, and can last for many years without relief. 95% of chronic cases are never solved. Sometimes the condition goes away, sometimes it stays forever. It is not a life threatening disease.
ZYRTEC
ZYRTEC® (cetirizine HCl) is a prescription medicine that treats both indoor and outdoor allergy symptoms. And it also treats itching due to chronic hives. Studies show that 1 dose of ZYRTEC works for a full 24 hours.
In clinical studies, people taking ZYRTEC were relieved of their symptoms within 1 hour. Studies show that symptom relief from a single dose of ZYRTEC lasts 24 hours.
Basically, with Dermographism, if something scratches me or simply rubs against my arm or stomach or back, a red welt appears. This welt itches and burns. If I subconciously scratch my back or my head or neck or shoulder or stomach, it starts to itch and burn so I scratch it before I catch myself. Once it's been scratched more welts come and more burning comes. I've tried putting myself in some kind of a straight jacket, to no avail. It's impossible not to scratch when it itches.It's a horrible mental game. Zyrtec didn't kick in very fast last night. I was up until about 2:30 or so, trying to get my mind off of scratching. It's a really lousy way to spend time in bed.
I just walked into a room down the hall where 4 boys were sitting playing Donkey Kong, something they've been doing for days now. I was more critical of those boys than I usually am of anyone, even of a best friend or sibling. I did not enter the room in a bad mood or wanting to be negative, but something about the way they are wasting time got me going and it was hard for me to bite my tongue and let them be. I finally had to just walk out of the room because a weird side of me was coming out and attacking some random kids playing video games.
During Physics I fell asleep for a good 5 minutes and woke up with the spiral of my notebook imprinted on my arm. During Introduction to Architecture my head was bobbing. After these two classes I went to the Olpin Union Building because the couches there are amazing, as I have noted in previous blogs, and I was really, really tired. The smallest couch, a one person love seat type thing, was open so I layed down on it at 9:37. At 10:something I woke up and saw that the biggest couch was open so I moved to it. I fell back asleep instantly. Then at 11:55 my friend Brian calls, waking me up, and says, "Hey, are you still asleep at the Union? Class started 5 minutes ago." Luckily he had been to the Union and saw me sleeping. So I had to wake up and groggily go to Calculus. Then my voice was like a 13 year old boy's- super cracky and unstable- all through calculus. And I talk a lot in that class. I ask a lot of questions. So I'm sure it was noticable. Now I'm not tired though. I feel good.
I made a To Do list Yesterday during church. It was a list consisting of 25 things to do and 19 ideas that ran through my head. Then after church I was talking to a boy named Ryan for a while and a boy named Jonathan came over and said Hey Ryan, come over to my house at this address for lunch right now. You can come too, my name's Jonathan. My name is Jessie. And thanks for the invite. Etc. So I got in Ryan's car and we went to Jonathan's house. I left my Scriptures Make Me Happy bag in Ryan's car. In the bag was my key and my card used for entering my dorm building and getting meals. While at Jonathan's house, Ryan had to go rescue a friend from a weird situations which ended up with cops and restraining orders, but said he'd come back quickly. He didn't, so someone else gave me a ride home. Until I was getting out of this other person's car I completely forgot that my bag wasn't with me. I said bye and luckily got into my dorm by knocking on a window of a friend on the first floor, and luckily my room was unlocked. It was fun because situations like this don't stress me out at all. I knew I'd get my bag back eventually, so I did what I could without it, like taping the door so it wouldn't close correctly in case in locked without my permission. All went well and I was glad I didn't have a stress attack like I know some people I know would have. It was an interesting experience, deciding from the begining that overreacting would be pointless, and just accepting things the way they were. It's simple things like this that make me feel like I make better choices now than I ever have before. I can't quite get across what I mean, but perhaps if you know me well enough you'll understand it? Whatevs.
On Saturday, a couple friends and I had to take apart a couch because a 5.5 foot python got inside it. My fault. The snake was okay though. And so was the couch, in the end.
Since my Junior year when Mr. Linford showed my Honors English class Ralph Waldo Emerson's essay Self-Reliance, I've always wanted to read it. All of it. But I never have. So today I think I will. My friend mass-dared it too. So I really think I will. And I want to do it in one sitting. So I have to prepare.
One of my first days in the dorms I was in my room and overheard a conversation in the hall about how "Mormons can't date non-Mormons." I like talking about anything religious, or at least listening, so I opened my door wanting to join in. Then when I asked what the argument was, a boy named Remmington looked at me and said, Are you Mormon? I said yes. Then he said, You look like a Mormon. Then he walked off to his room and the conversation ended. I said, I choose to take that as a compliment, I suppose. Since then Remmington and I have become good friends, but at first I thought he didn't like me because I was Mormon. That's not the point of this thought though. From my Physics class, about 10 or more of us walk to the same following class, Intro to Architecture. I am always walking that 10 minutes within about 10 or 20 feet of the same two boys. I noticed this and I'm sure they noticed this too. So finally today I just started talking to them. One is LDS. We are all Pre-Architecture students, but the one said, well you two will be a couple years ahead of me so I won't necessarilly be competing against you. And I said why is that? He's going on a mission. This isn't my point either. My point, or more idea or question, is can people tell I'm a Mormon, just by the way I look, act, walk, hold my head, carry conversation? If Remmington could, which I'm not sure he could, I wonder if many people can. A couple Sundays ago, Elder Holland, a member of the 12 Apostles, spoke at a fireside at the University's Institute. One thing he said that I really liked was "We are not bound to say what we thing, but we are bound to not even look like what we don't think." So I'm curious if by not even looking like what I don't think makes me look like what I do think or merely not what I don't think. Understand?
I have a friend that texts me all the time about nothing whatsoever. Just pointless texting. It's very immature texts too. Like, "you're just jealous." He throws that out all the time. Or things like, "My best quality is humility, or so my friends tell me." He has never said that, but a friend from high school used to always say it and the two boys remind me of each other. I am so bored of it. So bored.
Preachers could have more success if they wouldn't yell at the listeners, I think. I stopped for about 3 or 4 minutes to listen to a preacher of some sort. I agreed with a lot of what he was saying- basic Christian ideas- but the way he was forcing it onto us was such a turn-off. I wanted to ask questions, or throw out ideas, but I merely wanted to chat about it, not yell. I didn't want to make what I find are personal, special ideas or feelings or believes and yell them. It seemed wrong. So I walked away instead of furthering discussion.
I have a lot of homework this week. But next week is Fall Break. I'm welcoming the break. I'm going to make a list of my homework for the week.
Homework
1. Calculus Homework 6 due tomorrow 10.2.7
2. Physics Homework 12 due Wednesday 10.3.7
3. Sign Language quiz/test Thurdsay 10.4.7
4. Physics Test Chapters 3,4 and 5 Friday 10.5.7
5. Architecture Written Assignment 1 due Friday 10.5.7
6. Physics Homework 13 due Sunday 10.7.7
7. Architecture Reading Chapters 11 and 12
8. Calculus Practice test extra credit
Not too much, but enough.
I suppose I'll be done writing now.
Love Acissej Eromlig
During Physics I fell asleep for a good 5 minutes and woke up with the spiral of my notebook imprinted on my arm. During Introduction to Architecture my head was bobbing. After these two classes I went to the Olpin Union Building because the couches there are amazing, as I have noted in previous blogs, and I was really, really tired. The smallest couch, a one person love seat type thing, was open so I layed down on it at 9:37. At 10:something I woke up and saw that the biggest couch was open so I moved to it. I fell back asleep instantly. Then at 11:55 my friend Brian calls, waking me up, and says, "Hey, are you still asleep at the Union? Class started 5 minutes ago." Luckily he had been to the Union and saw me sleeping. So I had to wake up and groggily go to Calculus. Then my voice was like a 13 year old boy's- super cracky and unstable- all through calculus. And I talk a lot in that class. I ask a lot of questions. So I'm sure it was noticable. Now I'm not tired though. I feel good.
I made a To Do list Yesterday during church. It was a list consisting of 25 things to do and 19 ideas that ran through my head. Then after church I was talking to a boy named Ryan for a while and a boy named Jonathan came over and said Hey Ryan, come over to my house at this address for lunch right now. You can come too, my name's Jonathan. My name is Jessie. And thanks for the invite. Etc. So I got in Ryan's car and we went to Jonathan's house. I left my Scriptures Make Me Happy bag in Ryan's car. In the bag was my key and my card used for entering my dorm building and getting meals. While at Jonathan's house, Ryan had to go rescue a friend from a weird situations which ended up with cops and restraining orders, but said he'd come back quickly. He didn't, so someone else gave me a ride home. Until I was getting out of this other person's car I completely forgot that my bag wasn't with me. I said bye and luckily got into my dorm by knocking on a window of a friend on the first floor, and luckily my room was unlocked. It was fun because situations like this don't stress me out at all. I knew I'd get my bag back eventually, so I did what I could without it, like taping the door so it wouldn't close correctly in case in locked without my permission. All went well and I was glad I didn't have a stress attack like I know some people I know would have. It was an interesting experience, deciding from the begining that overreacting would be pointless, and just accepting things the way they were. It's simple things like this that make me feel like I make better choices now than I ever have before. I can't quite get across what I mean, but perhaps if you know me well enough you'll understand it? Whatevs.
On Saturday, a couple friends and I had to take apart a couch because a 5.5 foot python got inside it. My fault. The snake was okay though. And so was the couch, in the end.
Since my Junior year when Mr. Linford showed my Honors English class Ralph Waldo Emerson's essay Self-Reliance, I've always wanted to read it. All of it. But I never have. So today I think I will. My friend mass-dared it too. So I really think I will. And I want to do it in one sitting. So I have to prepare.
One of my first days in the dorms I was in my room and overheard a conversation in the hall about how "Mormons can't date non-Mormons." I like talking about anything religious, or at least listening, so I opened my door wanting to join in. Then when I asked what the argument was, a boy named Remmington looked at me and said, Are you Mormon? I said yes. Then he said, You look like a Mormon. Then he walked off to his room and the conversation ended. I said, I choose to take that as a compliment, I suppose. Since then Remmington and I have become good friends, but at first I thought he didn't like me because I was Mormon. That's not the point of this thought though. From my Physics class, about 10 or more of us walk to the same following class, Intro to Architecture. I am always walking that 10 minutes within about 10 or 20 feet of the same two boys. I noticed this and I'm sure they noticed this too. So finally today I just started talking to them. One is LDS. We are all Pre-Architecture students, but the one said, well you two will be a couple years ahead of me so I won't necessarilly be competing against you. And I said why is that? He's going on a mission. This isn't my point either. My point, or more idea or question, is can people tell I'm a Mormon, just by the way I look, act, walk, hold my head, carry conversation? If Remmington could, which I'm not sure he could, I wonder if many people can. A couple Sundays ago, Elder Holland, a member of the 12 Apostles, spoke at a fireside at the University's Institute. One thing he said that I really liked was "We are not bound to say what we thing, but we are bound to not even look like what we don't think." So I'm curious if by not even looking like what I don't think makes me look like what I do think or merely not what I don't think. Understand?
I have a friend that texts me all the time about nothing whatsoever. Just pointless texting. It's very immature texts too. Like, "you're just jealous." He throws that out all the time. Or things like, "My best quality is humility, or so my friends tell me." He has never said that, but a friend from high school used to always say it and the two boys remind me of each other. I am so bored of it. So bored.
Preachers could have more success if they wouldn't yell at the listeners, I think. I stopped for about 3 or 4 minutes to listen to a preacher of some sort. I agreed with a lot of what he was saying- basic Christian ideas- but the way he was forcing it onto us was such a turn-off. I wanted to ask questions, or throw out ideas, but I merely wanted to chat about it, not yell. I didn't want to make what I find are personal, special ideas or feelings or believes and yell them. It seemed wrong. So I walked away instead of furthering discussion.
I have a lot of homework this week. But next week is Fall Break. I'm welcoming the break. I'm going to make a list of my homework for the week.
Homework
1. Calculus Homework 6 due tomorrow 10.2.7
2. Physics Homework 12 due Wednesday 10.3.7
3. Sign Language quiz/test Thurdsay 10.4.7
4. Physics Test Chapters 3,4 and 5 Friday 10.5.7
5. Architecture Written Assignment 1 due Friday 10.5.7
6. Physics Homework 13 due Sunday 10.7.7
7. Architecture Reading Chapters 11 and 12
8. Calculus Practice test extra credit
Not too much, but enough.
I suppose I'll be done writing now.
Love Acissej Eromlig
Sunday, September 30, 2007
Unbalanced
Something has to be wrong; Friday night I went to sleep at 6:20 AM and slept until 1:30 PM. 7 hours. Saturday night I went to sleep at 6 AM and woke up at 10 AM. 4 hours. Now it is Sunday night, 12:54 AM and I think logically I should be really tired. I'm not. Also, Saturday I ate a couple fruit leathers, a pack of fruit snacks, a handful of mini marshmallows, a nutty bar, and a fourth of a tortilla. Today I ate a bowl of rice, a few chuncks of chicken, half a bag of kettle corn, a bowl of fruit loops, and a bowl of ice cream. I am so messed up. Starting tomorrow my life will be improved in the following ways:
1. I will again carry my water bottle around everywhere and try to drink at least 6 bottles throughout the day.
2. I will eat something besides sugar cereal every morning for breakfast. I will eat a salad BEFORE anything else at lunch or dinner if not both. Then I will only have a soft serve ice cream cone once every couple of days.
3. I will be in bed, off my computer, by 11 o'clock, no later than 11:30, on weeknights.
4. I will wake up at 6:00 Monday Wednesday and Friday and be on time to all my classes. I will wake up at 7:00 Tuesday Thursday and go to Institute and be on time to all my classes.
That is all. This won't be terribly impossible, but it will call for some discipline.
Last night my Mom sent me a text that said "Be wise in your choices, Jess." I don't know what made her send that, but it got me thinking. I feel like lately I've been making responsible, wise, mature, constructive choices. It certainly doesn't appear that way looking at my eating and sleeping habits of the past 3 days, but I really feel that lately I've made more positive, forwarding choices than ever in life. Spiritually, Intelectually, Socially, Emotionally, Educationally, etc. I'm quite proud of myself with some of the choices I've made, or not made. I enjoy having agency in all I do.
This is my horoscope for October 1st. I find it iteresting. And it sort of fits a conversation I very recently had:
Someone with a powerful spiritual vision has recently entered your life and now the message becomes even clearer. Although you are open to what is being said, you have sense enough to accept the teaching or to reject it if it doesn't jive with your outlook. Don't be afraid to trust your instincts, for it's possible that you might already know what you need.
I had a very unproductive day. I didn't really enjoy it. I hope I have a better Monday. Goodnight.
9.30.7
1. I will again carry my water bottle around everywhere and try to drink at least 6 bottles throughout the day.
2. I will eat something besides sugar cereal every morning for breakfast. I will eat a salad BEFORE anything else at lunch or dinner if not both. Then I will only have a soft serve ice cream cone once every couple of days.
3. I will be in bed, off my computer, by 11 o'clock, no later than 11:30, on weeknights.
4. I will wake up at 6:00 Monday Wednesday and Friday and be on time to all my classes. I will wake up at 7:00 Tuesday Thursday and go to Institute and be on time to all my classes.
That is all. This won't be terribly impossible, but it will call for some discipline.
Last night my Mom sent me a text that said "Be wise in your choices, Jess." I don't know what made her send that, but it got me thinking. I feel like lately I've been making responsible, wise, mature, constructive choices. It certainly doesn't appear that way looking at my eating and sleeping habits of the past 3 days, but I really feel that lately I've made more positive, forwarding choices than ever in life. Spiritually, Intelectually, Socially, Emotionally, Educationally, etc. I'm quite proud of myself with some of the choices I've made, or not made. I enjoy having agency in all I do.
This is my horoscope for October 1st. I find it iteresting. And it sort of fits a conversation I very recently had:
Someone with a powerful spiritual vision has recently entered your life and now the message becomes even clearer. Although you are open to what is being said, you have sense enough to accept the teaching or to reject it if it doesn't jive with your outlook. Don't be afraid to trust your instincts, for it's possible that you might already know what you need.
I had a very unproductive day. I didn't really enjoy it. I hope I have a better Monday. Goodnight.
9.30.7
Monday, September 24, 2007
PDA
In high school, I'd see couples cudding or holding hands or rubbing noses or even kissing in the hallways or little cut outs or under stairs. It was always gross, but usually funny and a little entertaining. It was sometimes even understandable because the two little kids probably didn't have anywhere else to kiss besides the car or something. Now that I'm in college though, it has moved from funny and entertaining to just gross and annoying. Sqealing and giggling and making kissing noises is not okay. Especially not in the public study area of the Union Building on the really comfortable leather couches. A. No one wants to see or hear you. Sure, you have a crush on each other, but you are really, really distracting. B. You were on the really comfortable leather couch for like 5 hours! I was there all day too! I wanted that couch. I was on the one next to you for a bit but felt ultra awkward so I ran away. I got some food at the cafeteria on the next floor, looked down like 30 minutes later, and you were still at it! Just spooning and cuddling and kissing and flirting. Bleh. I felt embarrassed for you. C. You are in college. Don't either of you have a dorm or appartment or house where you could go kiss and cuddle?!? It the homework lab your only option?? Sad. D. You kept trying to hide the fact that you were kissing but your bodies were practically glued to each other. If you are going to be that close and touchy, might as well be making out. Seriously.
That's the end of my rant.
That's the end of my rant.
Thursday, September 20, 2007
Frustrations
I want to go sleep on that really, really comfortable black couch so bad, but I am afraid of drooling, sleep talking, sleeping with my eyes part open, or something else weird. Oh no. Someone just layed down on it. I'll get the courage to go steal it as soon as he gets up.
I figured out last night that I came into my freshman year with 31 credits. That's a lot I think. Maybe not, but that's practically one year of school already done. But not really, it just feels good to say that.
I want to Study Abroad in Italy next fall. I'm so serious about it that from now on I'm saying Next Fall I am studying abroad in Italy. Then it's more convincing. Because everyone wants to study abroad, but who actually does? Me.
I feel like I have so much to say about so many things, but I can't figure out any of it. It's all just a jumbled mess in my mind. I can't even list topics of thought. It's so frustrating. This is why I wish I took a speech class. I still could..
That's the problem with already wanting to do Architecture- I already have the next 6 years of school so packed. It's like registering for 7th grade when you get the little table and you see that you only get to choose like 2 electives, but by your senior year you get to choose everything but English. I can barely choose one elective a year, let alone a semester. There are so many classes I want to take. I already applied and have been accepted to Salt Lake Community College and will be taking drafting classes this summer, but last night I decided I want to do summer semester here at the U at the same time. I am already going to be in school for 6 years, plus a 3 year internship, and that's with just Architecture. If I wanted to take more classes, like speech or debate or philosophy or writing or drawing, I'll need a couple extra semesters. So I should still plan on graduating in 6 years, but throw in a few summer semesters. So when 6 years is usually 12 semesters, for me it will be more like 15 or 16 semesters.
I need more money. I have a scholarship, but I need more. Not for me, I can live for the next 6 years without buying much clothing or 'stuff,' but I need money for school. If I do well enough I should be able to find someone to help me with schooling. I need to search for applications everywhere. Then I can collect a bunch of scholarships and not have to pay. And my parents wouldn't have to pay either. Please send all donations to Jessica Gilmore 611 Heritage Center SLC UT 84112-2009. Thanks.
I wish I had done better in Biology and Calculus my junior year. Those were my lowest grades. They brought my GPA down. I could have done better. I could have come out of High School with a 4.0. Why was I so lazy?!? I should have studied for the ACT and done better. I should have taken the SAT. I should have tried harder. Just because all my siblings went to BYU or USU or BYUI or BYUH, why in the world shouldn't I be at Princeton or Harvard or Yale or Stanford? Dang it. I'm a failure. I'm mad at myself right now. I need to stop.
I want to work and earn money to help me with college, but I want to get the best grades I possibly can. I want to play lacrosse more than anything, but I want to get the best grades I possibly can. I'm pretty positive I still won't get a job, but I don't think I'll be giving up lacrosse quite yet. I know I'd regret it. And I love it. But what if my grades suffer? Even lacrosse isn't worth losing my scholarship. DANG IT!!!
The couch is free. I'm out.
Love Jessica Gilmore
I figured out last night that I came into my freshman year with 31 credits. That's a lot I think. Maybe not, but that's practically one year of school already done. But not really, it just feels good to say that.
I want to Study Abroad in Italy next fall. I'm so serious about it that from now on I'm saying Next Fall I am studying abroad in Italy. Then it's more convincing. Because everyone wants to study abroad, but who actually does? Me.
I feel like I have so much to say about so many things, but I can't figure out any of it. It's all just a jumbled mess in my mind. I can't even list topics of thought. It's so frustrating. This is why I wish I took a speech class. I still could..
That's the problem with already wanting to do Architecture- I already have the next 6 years of school so packed. It's like registering for 7th grade when you get the little table and you see that you only get to choose like 2 electives, but by your senior year you get to choose everything but English. I can barely choose one elective a year, let alone a semester. There are so many classes I want to take. I already applied and have been accepted to Salt Lake Community College and will be taking drafting classes this summer, but last night I decided I want to do summer semester here at the U at the same time. I am already going to be in school for 6 years, plus a 3 year internship, and that's with just Architecture. If I wanted to take more classes, like speech or debate or philosophy or writing or drawing, I'll need a couple extra semesters. So I should still plan on graduating in 6 years, but throw in a few summer semesters. So when 6 years is usually 12 semesters, for me it will be more like 15 or 16 semesters.
I need more money. I have a scholarship, but I need more. Not for me, I can live for the next 6 years without buying much clothing or 'stuff,' but I need money for school. If I do well enough I should be able to find someone to help me with schooling. I need to search for applications everywhere. Then I can collect a bunch of scholarships and not have to pay. And my parents wouldn't have to pay either. Please send all donations to Jessica Gilmore 611 Heritage Center SLC UT 84112-2009. Thanks.
I wish I had done better in Biology and Calculus my junior year. Those were my lowest grades. They brought my GPA down. I could have done better. I could have come out of High School with a 4.0. Why was I so lazy?!? I should have studied for the ACT and done better. I should have taken the SAT. I should have tried harder. Just because all my siblings went to BYU or USU or BYUI or BYUH, why in the world shouldn't I be at Princeton or Harvard or Yale or Stanford? Dang it. I'm a failure. I'm mad at myself right now. I need to stop.
I want to work and earn money to help me with college, but I want to get the best grades I possibly can. I want to play lacrosse more than anything, but I want to get the best grades I possibly can. I'm pretty positive I still won't get a job, but I don't think I'll be giving up lacrosse quite yet. I know I'd regret it. And I love it. But what if my grades suffer? Even lacrosse isn't worth losing my scholarship. DANG IT!!!
The couch is free. I'm out.
Love Jessica Gilmore
Thoughts of 9.13.7
(written 9.13.7)
I slept through institute this morning. I get so mad at myself when things like that happen. I feel like a failure and just lie back down, even if I could hurry and make the last half. I just don't like being late to things. I am proud of myself for wanting to go to institute though. At least I feel bad about missing it.
Music still amazes me. What is does to my mood is crazy! Today at the Union a bunch of local bands played all day, including Kid Theodore. I have so much fun watching them play. Their music is great. I was so happy and satisfied with life. A few high school friends saw me at sat with me and we all just lauged and had so much fun. I didn't care about anything in the world. I didn't even remember I was starving until they had stopped playing. Then I heard another band I enjoyed called good morning maxfield. They made me happy too, but no one was there and I wanted more people to hear them.
I need an Ipod. Carrying a cd player around is just hard. I have to keep it in my hands or else it skips. And sometimes I have the urge to listen to a certain song but I only have that one cd with me, or I don't even have that certain song on cd, only on my computer. :(
The battle between walking everywhere and taking the shuttle is getting more heated daily. I love walking to watch people and see things and hear things and for the exercise, but time is becoming more and more valuable. It takes me about 22 minutes to get from my room to my furthest class. I used to walk home when I had the time to in between classes, but now I just carry a heavier backpack and stay down on campus all day. I love it, but by the end of the day by back is tired and the shuttle is so tempting. I just keep refusing to take it though. Once I start walking it's no big deal, but when I stop and stand looking in the direction of the shuttle stop I can hardly keep myself from walking to it. It this strange personal battle I have to win by not riding it, but I know eventually it will be the smarter thing to do.
I just had an interesting conversation with 2 people. I'll write it in a different blog.
I laughed out loud yesterday when older men, probably professors, jogged by me on campus. As they passed, one said to another, "How many pounds of styrofoam can you fit in your car?"
My teeth hurt. I have braces. They keep boys away.
I feel like I lost like 50 shirts in the process of moving from home to college.
I want to play lacrosse so bad right now. The boys have already started practicing! Why have we not even held tryouts yet?!? I want an Ipod. I want a mac computer. I want A's in all my classes. I want to study in Italy next year. I want to find some really cool friends that aren't too clingy or needy. I want to read more. I want to eat healthier. I want to drink more. I want to take my vitamins regularly. I want to learn sign language faster. I want to get rid of my cell phone. I want to understand physics. I want to invent something. I want to suck up to all my teachers. I want to be an astronaut so so bad. I want to reach every goal I set. I want to win a million dollars. I want to know everything. I want to pass guitar hero on expert. I want to learn to play the harmonica. I want to delete a bunch of numbers from my phone. I want to see what heaven is like. I want to rid myself of pointless friendships and strengthen the important ones. I want to go for a run. I want to pass my test tomorrow.
It's hard for me to picture my future. Not even 2 years in the future. Right now everything is changing.
I'd rather skip my physics class tomorrow than go unprepared for the test. Being knowingly and willingly unprepared is a sickening feeling. I'd rather study right now than skip my physics class tomorrow. I hate missing class.
I slept through institute this morning. I get so mad at myself when things like that happen. I feel like a failure and just lie back down, even if I could hurry and make the last half. I just don't like being late to things. I am proud of myself for wanting to go to institute though. At least I feel bad about missing it.
Music still amazes me. What is does to my mood is crazy! Today at the Union a bunch of local bands played all day, including Kid Theodore. I have so much fun watching them play. Their music is great. I was so happy and satisfied with life. A few high school friends saw me at sat with me and we all just lauged and had so much fun. I didn't care about anything in the world. I didn't even remember I was starving until they had stopped playing. Then I heard another band I enjoyed called good morning maxfield. They made me happy too, but no one was there and I wanted more people to hear them.
I need an Ipod. Carrying a cd player around is just hard. I have to keep it in my hands or else it skips. And sometimes I have the urge to listen to a certain song but I only have that one cd with me, or I don't even have that certain song on cd, only on my computer. :(
The battle between walking everywhere and taking the shuttle is getting more heated daily. I love walking to watch people and see things and hear things and for the exercise, but time is becoming more and more valuable. It takes me about 22 minutes to get from my room to my furthest class. I used to walk home when I had the time to in between classes, but now I just carry a heavier backpack and stay down on campus all day. I love it, but by the end of the day by back is tired and the shuttle is so tempting. I just keep refusing to take it though. Once I start walking it's no big deal, but when I stop and stand looking in the direction of the shuttle stop I can hardly keep myself from walking to it. It this strange personal battle I have to win by not riding it, but I know eventually it will be the smarter thing to do.
I just had an interesting conversation with 2 people. I'll write it in a different blog.
I laughed out loud yesterday when older men, probably professors, jogged by me on campus. As they passed, one said to another, "How many pounds of styrofoam can you fit in your car?"
My teeth hurt. I have braces. They keep boys away.
I feel like I lost like 50 shirts in the process of moving from home to college.
I want to play lacrosse so bad right now. The boys have already started practicing! Why have we not even held tryouts yet?!? I want an Ipod. I want a mac computer. I want A's in all my classes. I want to study in Italy next year. I want to find some really cool friends that aren't too clingy or needy. I want to read more. I want to eat healthier. I want to drink more. I want to take my vitamins regularly. I want to learn sign language faster. I want to get rid of my cell phone. I want to understand physics. I want to invent something. I want to suck up to all my teachers. I want to be an astronaut so so bad. I want to reach every goal I set. I want to win a million dollars. I want to know everything. I want to pass guitar hero on expert. I want to learn to play the harmonica. I want to delete a bunch of numbers from my phone. I want to see what heaven is like. I want to rid myself of pointless friendships and strengthen the important ones. I want to go for a run. I want to pass my test tomorrow.
It's hard for me to picture my future. Not even 2 years in the future. Right now everything is changing.
I'd rather skip my physics class tomorrow than go unprepared for the test. Being knowingly and willingly unprepared is a sickening feeling. I'd rather study right now than skip my physics class tomorrow. I hate missing class.
Spouse, not best friend.
(spoken and written 9.13.7)
Me = Jessie
Kristen = Suitemate (girl who's dorm is connected to mine through bathroom) from New York
Remmington = Boy a few doors down
Remmington: So is Sam coming to the concert tomorrow?
Me: No, he's not a Format fan
Remmington: So what! He's your boyfriend!
Me: No, I told you, we're not dating anymore.
Remmington: I know. Why'd you even break up?
Me: I thought it'd be easier this way. And I plan on dating him in the future, so it's okay. I could marry him. But right now it is okay for us not to be together.
Remmington: You're only 18, you shouldn't be thinking of marriage!
Me: I don't want to get married until I'm like 23 or so.
Remmington: Ha! Funny. (Looks at Kristen who is doing her homework)
Kristen: Haha yeah, the rest of the world doesn't get married until 29 or 30.
Me: I think marriage will be fun. Think about it, living with your best friend. It'd be So fun.
Remmington: But having sex with your best friend??
Me: Sure. Why wouldn't my husband be my best friend? Don't you want your wife to be your best friend?
Remmington: My best friend would be a boy.
Kristen: My best friend would be a girl.
Me: Well sure I have those best friends but my husband will be my best friend too.
Remmington: Friend. Singular. Either a best friend, or someone to have sex with. They can't be the both.
Me: You guys are messed up. I'm done with this conversation. I'm going back to my room. Have fun studying.
I don't get it.
(edited)
Me = Jessie
Kristen = Suitemate (girl who's dorm is connected to mine through bathroom) from New York
Remmington = Boy a few doors down
Remmington: So is Sam coming to the concert tomorrow?
Me: No, he's not a Format fan
Remmington: So what! He's your boyfriend!
Me: No, I told you, we're not dating anymore.
Remmington: I know. Why'd you even break up?
Me: I thought it'd be easier this way. And I plan on dating him in the future, so it's okay. I could marry him. But right now it is okay for us not to be together.
Remmington: You're only 18, you shouldn't be thinking of marriage!
Me: I don't want to get married until I'm like 23 or so.
Remmington: Ha! Funny. (Looks at Kristen who is doing her homework)
Kristen: Haha yeah, the rest of the world doesn't get married until 29 or 30.
Me: I think marriage will be fun. Think about it, living with your best friend. It'd be So fun.
Remmington: But having sex with your best friend??
Me: Sure. Why wouldn't my husband be my best friend? Don't you want your wife to be your best friend?
Remmington: My best friend would be a boy.
Kristen: My best friend would be a girl.
Me: Well sure I have those best friends but my husband will be my best friend too.
Remmington: Friend. Singular. Either a best friend, or someone to have sex with. They can't be the both.
Me: You guys are messed up. I'm done with this conversation. I'm going back to my room. Have fun studying.
I don't get it.
(edited)
My Twin Brothers
(written 9.6.7)
I miss my twin brothers, Jared and Mckay. They make a great team. They could always make me smile, even when I came home crying. I appreciate them more now that I'm gone than when I lived at home. I have healthy, solid relationships with both and am quite grateful. I thought Michelle was crazy when she'd come home and be obsessed with Jared's humor. His jokes were so old and dry- almost like Dad's. I thought I'd be very glad to finally get away from that little brother. I was completely wrong. He's one of the funniest boys I know, and Mckay adds to it all. I'm so happy they are my friends.
I miss my twin brothers, Jared and Mckay. They make a great team. They could always make me smile, even when I came home crying. I appreciate them more now that I'm gone than when I lived at home. I have healthy, solid relationships with both and am quite grateful. I thought Michelle was crazy when she'd come home and be obsessed with Jared's humor. His jokes were so old and dry- almost like Dad's. I thought I'd be very glad to finally get away from that little brother. I was completely wrong. He's one of the funniest boys I know, and Mckay adds to it all. I'm so happy they are my friends.
The New Kid
(written 9.6.7)
In the short while that I haven't known you, you've become someone I really don't know. I can almost say I'm okay not knowing you. Physically you looked different- a little like everyone else. Your manners are less refined than when I knew you. You are rough, loud, rude, immature. You don't care about me like you did, and like I thought you always would. Seeing you doesn't make me sorry for myself anymore, but sorry for you. Is it you, or is it I who has changed? I wonder where you've gone, and when you're coming back.
In the short while that I haven't known you, you've become someone I really don't know. I can almost say I'm okay not knowing you. Physically you looked different- a little like everyone else. Your manners are less refined than when I knew you. You are rough, loud, rude, immature. You don't care about me like you did, and like I thought you always would. Seeing you doesn't make me sorry for myself anymore, but sorry for you. Is it you, or is it I who has changed? I wonder where you've gone, and when you're coming back.
Some Light Thoughts 9.4.7
(written 9.4.7)
I have lots and lots of thoughts at this moment. So many I can hardly function. So I'm going to type them now, even though they aren't very blog worthy or of literary note. I just don't feel like writing well right now. I just want to type. I've come to love typing. It's so so fun letting my fingers just fly around. I love it.
I listened to Ok Ikumi today as I walked to the bookstore and then to Walmart. That music, along with the Amazing storm that came within about 15 minutes, made it impossible for me to keep a straight face. I kept giggling. Outloud! It was so so strange. I could not hold in how happy I was. And it was nothing but the weather and that music that made me so happy. The entire time to Walmart and back I just sat and tapped my foot or bobbed my head or just smiled. It was the happiest I've been in a few weeks.
I'm LDS, and the majority of the people here at the University of Utah are not. Most of my friends on my floor know I am LDS, but I still have trouble standing up for my values. I haven't participated in anything against my standards, but I haven't really made the stand I really want to make. For example. Most people here swear all the time. And I mean all the time. It will be hard to find friends who don't swear. I've accepted that fact and just ignore the language, but I can't say it doesn't bother me. Part of me wants to say, "Hey, remember how I'm mormon? Well I don't like swearing. Will you try not to cus in front of me?" But I think people would stop inviting me to play because I was practically asking them to be mute. Some people I'm around more often notice that I don't use any swear words and have started cleaning up their language around me. I appreciate it a lot. I just struggle with asking them to clean it up. Another example: I don't watch R movies, even though plenty of LDS members do. I just honestly don't enjoy them and usually don't have the desire to watch. In movies, I'm not a fan of offensive language, offensive sex, offensive violence, or whatever else movies are R for. Just now, some kids on my floor said, "Come watch Garden State in the lounge!" Instead of saying, "I'm mormon remember? I don't watch R movies!" I just said, "I think I'll pass. I don't feel like watching a movie, and I need to go to bed early nonight." Had I said I don't watch R movies, I would not have to deal with another time of being asked to watch one. They'd know I don't do that. I want to change this about me.
I was winked at today. It was fun. I was on my way to the bookstore to get a trax pass. I looked at a biker as he came close. He was looking at me, so I looked down. I looked back up again, and he was still looking at me. Or looking at me again. So I looked away again. I looked back a third time! I know, the three time glance. It's huge. And of course, he was still looking at me. Tee hee. He was on the phone, but just before he passed me, he smiled and winked at me, and I laughed smiled. It was fun and funny.
I broke my toe about 6 years ago. I broke the bone inside of my foot, not in the actual little toe. I was supposed to wear a blue shoe for about 6 weeks is all I think. The shoe is made for both feet, so no matter what foot I had it on it looked wrong. I was embarrassed by it. Plus, after about 3 or so weeks, I had girls camp. I didn't want to be wearing a little blue shoe at girls camp. So I didn't wear it to camp, or for the weeks following. It felt fine. I had escaped an extra 3 weeks of wearing an embarrassing shoe. Over the next 6 years, my foot would randomly ache for a few hours. Nothing too long or painful though. Now that I'm walking miles every day at college, I can feel that something is still wrong with my toe. It hurts almost constantly if I'm wearing flip flops. I don't want to stop walking, but I also like flip flops. I wish now that I had worn that embarrassing shoe for 3 more weeks.
I have an ortho appointment tomorrow. What color elastics should I get? Hm...
Speaking of braces, I hate them.
1. I am afraid to smile at boys when cute ones look at me because I don't want them to flinch when the see my smile. Tee hee. Honest thought.
2. If I'm ever talking to someone directly after eating, I'm so paranoid there is something in my teeth that I sometimes don't open my lips very much when talking. It's really awkward and funny feeling so I'm sure it's funny looking.
3. I was wrestled to the ground the other day, and my mouth kept bumping things like my knee or the floor or what have you, and by the end, parts of my lips were like raw hamburger. Gross. And painful.
4. It always looks like there are oreos in my mouth. Even when I have light blue elastics.
I got 19.25 out of 20 on my Physics assignment today! YES!
I didn't have time to get ready this morning, so I put my hair in pigtails, put on mascara (the extent of makeup I wear these days), and wore a white t-shirt and black soccer shorts all day. Oddly enough, more people smiled and looked at me than I've noticed before. And I do notice those types of things, because I like smiling and looking at other people. As Megan C. said in one of her blogs, it's annoying when girls say things like, "I didn't even get ready this morning, and I already had three guys hit on me in my first class." That's why I was almost mad that more people, including boys, looked at me and smiled at me and double looked at me and said hello to me than usual. Because I looked worse today than I have the past 2.5 weeks. It makes me want to never get ready again. Dumb.
That's all for now. I just had to get a few thoughts out before I could peacefully read Harry Potter 7 and watch an episode of Arrested Development before I turn out the lights.
Goodnight.
I have lots and lots of thoughts at this moment. So many I can hardly function. So I'm going to type them now, even though they aren't very blog worthy or of literary note. I just don't feel like writing well right now. I just want to type. I've come to love typing. It's so so fun letting my fingers just fly around. I love it.
I listened to Ok Ikumi today as I walked to the bookstore and then to Walmart. That music, along with the Amazing storm that came within about 15 minutes, made it impossible for me to keep a straight face. I kept giggling. Outloud! It was so so strange. I could not hold in how happy I was. And it was nothing but the weather and that music that made me so happy. The entire time to Walmart and back I just sat and tapped my foot or bobbed my head or just smiled. It was the happiest I've been in a few weeks.
I'm LDS, and the majority of the people here at the University of Utah are not. Most of my friends on my floor know I am LDS, but I still have trouble standing up for my values. I haven't participated in anything against my standards, but I haven't really made the stand I really want to make. For example. Most people here swear all the time. And I mean all the time. It will be hard to find friends who don't swear. I've accepted that fact and just ignore the language, but I can't say it doesn't bother me. Part of me wants to say, "Hey, remember how I'm mormon? Well I don't like swearing. Will you try not to cus in front of me?" But I think people would stop inviting me to play because I was practically asking them to be mute. Some people I'm around more often notice that I don't use any swear words and have started cleaning up their language around me. I appreciate it a lot. I just struggle with asking them to clean it up. Another example: I don't watch R movies, even though plenty of LDS members do. I just honestly don't enjoy them and usually don't have the desire to watch. In movies, I'm not a fan of offensive language, offensive sex, offensive violence, or whatever else movies are R for. Just now, some kids on my floor said, "Come watch Garden State in the lounge!" Instead of saying, "I'm mormon remember? I don't watch R movies!" I just said, "I think I'll pass. I don't feel like watching a movie, and I need to go to bed early nonight." Had I said I don't watch R movies, I would not have to deal with another time of being asked to watch one. They'd know I don't do that. I want to change this about me.
I was winked at today. It was fun. I was on my way to the bookstore to get a trax pass. I looked at a biker as he came close. He was looking at me, so I looked down. I looked back up again, and he was still looking at me. Or looking at me again. So I looked away again. I looked back a third time! I know, the three time glance. It's huge. And of course, he was still looking at me. Tee hee. He was on the phone, but just before he passed me, he smiled and winked at me, and I laughed smiled. It was fun and funny.
I broke my toe about 6 years ago. I broke the bone inside of my foot, not in the actual little toe. I was supposed to wear a blue shoe for about 6 weeks is all I think. The shoe is made for both feet, so no matter what foot I had it on it looked wrong. I was embarrassed by it. Plus, after about 3 or so weeks, I had girls camp. I didn't want to be wearing a little blue shoe at girls camp. So I didn't wear it to camp, or for the weeks following. It felt fine. I had escaped an extra 3 weeks of wearing an embarrassing shoe. Over the next 6 years, my foot would randomly ache for a few hours. Nothing too long or painful though. Now that I'm walking miles every day at college, I can feel that something is still wrong with my toe. It hurts almost constantly if I'm wearing flip flops. I don't want to stop walking, but I also like flip flops. I wish now that I had worn that embarrassing shoe for 3 more weeks.
I have an ortho appointment tomorrow. What color elastics should I get? Hm...
Speaking of braces, I hate them.
1. I am afraid to smile at boys when cute ones look at me because I don't want them to flinch when the see my smile. Tee hee. Honest thought.
2. If I'm ever talking to someone directly after eating, I'm so paranoid there is something in my teeth that I sometimes don't open my lips very much when talking. It's really awkward and funny feeling so I'm sure it's funny looking.
3. I was wrestled to the ground the other day, and my mouth kept bumping things like my knee or the floor or what have you, and by the end, parts of my lips were like raw hamburger. Gross. And painful.
4. It always looks like there are oreos in my mouth. Even when I have light blue elastics.
I got 19.25 out of 20 on my Physics assignment today! YES!
I didn't have time to get ready this morning, so I put my hair in pigtails, put on mascara (the extent of makeup I wear these days), and wore a white t-shirt and black soccer shorts all day. Oddly enough, more people smiled and looked at me than I've noticed before. And I do notice those types of things, because I like smiling and looking at other people. As Megan C. said in one of her blogs, it's annoying when girls say things like, "I didn't even get ready this morning, and I already had three guys hit on me in my first class." That's why I was almost mad that more people, including boys, looked at me and smiled at me and double looked at me and said hello to me than usual. Because I looked worse today than I have the past 2.5 weeks. It makes me want to never get ready again. Dumb.
That's all for now. I just had to get a few thoughts out before I could peacefully read Harry Potter 7 and watch an episode of Arrested Development before I turn out the lights.
Goodnight.
Sunday, September 2, 2007
What Homework Does to A Person
(written August 30, 2007)
I hate physics so much it's almost making me cry. I just can't get it. And I slept through my freaking physics homework study class today. I hate today. It's been such a waste. And I almost squoze my brains a minute ago because I have been stuck on the same 2 stupid problems for about 3 hours now. I want to hurt myself. But my roommate is 8 feet away so I can't even scream, just silently push the sides of my head together while my eyes water with tears. I hate this stupid stupid class. I hate being bad at something that everyone else can get. I hate not getting good scores. I don't have any friends, none here at college or at home, that I could call to complain to or ask for some comfort from. The only person I could call I can't call. I hate everything. I want to go for a run. And cry. Stupid physics homework is the last straw. I want to run for miles and miles. Myspace is my only friend. Typing into the address bar at the top "myspace" is like picking up a semi high tech phone and saying the name of a best friend and having a voice recognizer dial the number for you. I've decided the only difference between emo and not emo is that emo decide to show what their feeling, where everyone else just goes over it a lot inside their minds. Stupid stupid stupid.
I feel better now. Amazing what a friend can do for you. Thank you myspace.
I hate physics so much it's almost making me cry. I just can't get it. And I slept through my freaking physics homework study class today. I hate today. It's been such a waste. And I almost squoze my brains a minute ago because I have been stuck on the same 2 stupid problems for about 3 hours now. I want to hurt myself. But my roommate is 8 feet away so I can't even scream, just silently push the sides of my head together while my eyes water with tears. I hate this stupid stupid class. I hate being bad at something that everyone else can get. I hate not getting good scores. I don't have any friends, none here at college or at home, that I could call to complain to or ask for some comfort from. The only person I could call I can't call. I hate everything. I want to go for a run. And cry. Stupid physics homework is the last straw. I want to run for miles and miles. Myspace is my only friend. Typing into the address bar at the top "myspace" is like picking up a semi high tech phone and saying the name of a best friend and having a voice recognizer dial the number for you. I've decided the only difference between emo and not emo is that emo decide to show what their feeling, where everyone else just goes over it a lot inside their minds. Stupid stupid stupid.
I feel better now. Amazing what a friend can do for you. Thank you myspace.
Saturday, September 1, 2007
Playing This Role
The differences seen when I juxtapose my life today and my life one month ago are huge. I can barely get a hold of how different everything about my life is now. Everyday feels like I'm living someone else's life. I'm suprised I still physically look the same. I wonder how long I'll be playing this role of someone else.
Friday, August 31, 2007
Today's Thought Journal
A second mom of mine gave me a little notebook a month ago and I've wanted to carry it around to write thoughts in. I didn't have real desire to until a myspace pal of mine wrote a blog based off of what she wrote in her little notebook that day. I enjoyed the blog, so today I carried around my little notebook.
Thought 1. Sprinklers are like jumpropes. I time it to walk past at just the right instance, like jumping into a jumprope just right, but it somehow catches me almost every time.
Thought 2. Boys are jerks. A friend of mine met a boy a week ago. They played almost every day this week and had a lot of fun and she was really starting to like him. Then last night while 80's dancing together, he madeout with some girl. Not my friend. Boys are jerks.
Thought 3. Girls and tight pants. Either it works or it doesn't. If it does work, it works really well, like for the girl with the pretty hair I saw today. But when it doesn't work, she either looks like a man from behind, like the girl in the blue and white stripped shirt I saw today, or she looks like a clown with feet far too large for her body, like the girl in the grey jacket I saw today.
Thought 4. This morning it was raining. It was perfect rain. I was so satisfied. Then I got to physics.
Thought 5. What if I am living on this earth multiple times in the same instance? What if I'm reborn every 10 or 15 years? No one would remember the previous me, even if I did live in the same area the current me lives in. It would be too long ago. Or I'd just look like my "Aunt Sherry" or something, but really Aunt Sherry is me! What if I'm alive at the age of 3, 18, 33, 48, 63, 78, and 93?!? And all my previous me's experienced the same things as me. Maybe different people and places, but same emotions and life-changing events. I probably look different at each age. I bet my 33 year old me didn't have my glasses or hair when I was 18. But think. I lived in every decade. That would make things much easier for God- his population only being the same poeple replicated every 15 years. Still a lot of people to watch over, mind you, but a little easier. And the dead me's are my guardian angels! Even if I did run into one of me, like the 33 year old, I wouldn't recognize myself. I might find our personalities are similar, but I'd be more mature in look and personality than me so neither would recognize each other. Crazy!
Thought 6. I bet Sheryl Crow really uses loads of toilet paper.
Thought 7. I hate wasting an entire new line of paper for one or two words that wouldn't fit onto the previous line. I either erase the last 5 or so words and write them even smaller, start writing sideways along the edge of the paper, or just squish the last word so much I can't even read it.
Thought 8. I am afraid I am going to snap. I don't know what that snap will do to me, maybe just some kind of emotional breakdown or something, but I feel it's presence in my future. I feel pressure fom myself, my parents, my family, my once friend, and my school. I want to keep my scholarship, but that requires a 3.9 this semester. I don't get physics. Or Calculus sometimes. I thought I was good at math. My brain is failing me, and I'm afraid of failing. I don't want to lose my scholarship. It will put pressure on my parents. I am afraid. I don't feel very much support. I feel very unstable and vulnerable, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. But acknowledging that is a step I suppose.
Thought 9. I wish I took Creative Writing for 3 years in High School. But I took zero years. I wish I took debate my whole life. But I took zero years. I wish I took Drafting all through High School. But I took zero years. I wish I took 3 years of math in High School. But I took 2 years. I wish I took year and years of Art. But I took much less than that.
Thought 10. No regrets.
Thought 11. I've noticed that fat kids don't ride bikes around campus, neither do they skateboard. This means one of two things. 1. Skateboarding and bike riding is good exercise and keep the doers thin. or 2. Fat kids are physically unable to skateboard or bike.
Thought 12. How did college students at the University of Utah cross Wasatch Drive before the Legacy Bridge was built in 2002? Did they have to stop traffic with a crosswalk light? What a nuisance. Why did they not think of a bridge earlier? Wierdies.
Thought 13. I don't know anyone on campus, so why should I care if someone see's me pick my nose? I had at it for probably 6 seconds. It was the longest I've picked my nose in public. Then I looked up and saw a boy I know. He waved. I think he saw me. For 6 whole seconds.
Thought 14. I have come to the conclusion that navigating a skateboard through hundreds of students on a sidewalk is harder than navigating a longboard through hundreds of students on a sidewalk.
Thought 15. Riding either a skateboard or longboard over the thump-thump thump-thumps of the sidewalk would not be fun on a full bladder.
Thought 16. There seems to be some kind of a power struggle between my Calculus teacher and myself.
Thought 17. I have a rainbow colored backpack with a unicorn on it and purple glasses. I wonder how many people have thought I'm a lesbian.
Thought 18. I think my Calculus teacher might have a crush on me.
Thought 19. Today I saw an under-cover cop in a mini-van. Welcome to Utah.
Thought 1. Sprinklers are like jumpropes. I time it to walk past at just the right instance, like jumping into a jumprope just right, but it somehow catches me almost every time.
Thought 2. Boys are jerks. A friend of mine met a boy a week ago. They played almost every day this week and had a lot of fun and she was really starting to like him. Then last night while 80's dancing together, he madeout with some girl. Not my friend. Boys are jerks.
Thought 3. Girls and tight pants. Either it works or it doesn't. If it does work, it works really well, like for the girl with the pretty hair I saw today. But when it doesn't work, she either looks like a man from behind, like the girl in the blue and white stripped shirt I saw today, or she looks like a clown with feet far too large for her body, like the girl in the grey jacket I saw today.
Thought 4. This morning it was raining. It was perfect rain. I was so satisfied. Then I got to physics.
Thought 5. What if I am living on this earth multiple times in the same instance? What if I'm reborn every 10 or 15 years? No one would remember the previous me, even if I did live in the same area the current me lives in. It would be too long ago. Or I'd just look like my "Aunt Sherry" or something, but really Aunt Sherry is me! What if I'm alive at the age of 3, 18, 33, 48, 63, 78, and 93?!? And all my previous me's experienced the same things as me. Maybe different people and places, but same emotions and life-changing events. I probably look different at each age. I bet my 33 year old me didn't have my glasses or hair when I was 18. But think. I lived in every decade. That would make things much easier for God- his population only being the same poeple replicated every 15 years. Still a lot of people to watch over, mind you, but a little easier. And the dead me's are my guardian angels! Even if I did run into one of me, like the 33 year old, I wouldn't recognize myself. I might find our personalities are similar, but I'd be more mature in look and personality than me so neither would recognize each other. Crazy!
Thought 6. I bet Sheryl Crow really uses loads of toilet paper.
Thought 7. I hate wasting an entire new line of paper for one or two words that wouldn't fit onto the previous line. I either erase the last 5 or so words and write them even smaller, start writing sideways along the edge of the paper, or just squish the last word so much I can't even read it.
Thought 8. I am afraid I am going to snap. I don't know what that snap will do to me, maybe just some kind of emotional breakdown or something, but I feel it's presence in my future. I feel pressure fom myself, my parents, my family, my once friend, and my school. I want to keep my scholarship, but that requires a 3.9 this semester. I don't get physics. Or Calculus sometimes. I thought I was good at math. My brain is failing me, and I'm afraid of failing. I don't want to lose my scholarship. It will put pressure on my parents. I am afraid. I don't feel very much support. I feel very unstable and vulnerable, emotionally, spiritually, and mentally. But acknowledging that is a step I suppose.
Thought 9. I wish I took Creative Writing for 3 years in High School. But I took zero years. I wish I took debate my whole life. But I took zero years. I wish I took Drafting all through High School. But I took zero years. I wish I took 3 years of math in High School. But I took 2 years. I wish I took year and years of Art. But I took much less than that.
Thought 10. No regrets.
Thought 11. I've noticed that fat kids don't ride bikes around campus, neither do they skateboard. This means one of two things. 1. Skateboarding and bike riding is good exercise and keep the doers thin. or 2. Fat kids are physically unable to skateboard or bike.
Thought 12. How did college students at the University of Utah cross Wasatch Drive before the Legacy Bridge was built in 2002? Did they have to stop traffic with a crosswalk light? What a nuisance. Why did they not think of a bridge earlier? Wierdies.
Thought 13. I don't know anyone on campus, so why should I care if someone see's me pick my nose? I had at it for probably 6 seconds. It was the longest I've picked my nose in public. Then I looked up and saw a boy I know. He waved. I think he saw me. For 6 whole seconds.
Thought 14. I have come to the conclusion that navigating a skateboard through hundreds of students on a sidewalk is harder than navigating a longboard through hundreds of students on a sidewalk.
Thought 15. Riding either a skateboard or longboard over the thump-thump thump-thumps of the sidewalk would not be fun on a full bladder.
Thought 16. There seems to be some kind of a power struggle between my Calculus teacher and myself.
Thought 17. I have a rainbow colored backpack with a unicorn on it and purple glasses. I wonder how many people have thought I'm a lesbian.
Thought 18. I think my Calculus teacher might have a crush on me.
Thought 19. Today I saw an under-cover cop in a mini-van. Welcome to Utah.
Jarred Caterpillars
Today's heat smelled like caterpillars for about one minute. On my way to Sign Language, I took a really deep breath in for no reason, and a very distinct memory came to my mind. I remembered collecting bugs, particularly caterpillars, and keeping them in a class jar with grass and leaves and a few twigs. I'd poke a million holes in the lid so the caterpillar wouldn't sufficate. I don't think I realized that caterpillars probably don't use very much oxygen per inhalation. I'd often just watch the colorful hair of the caterpillar scrunch up then stretch out as the bug moved up a stick or burrowed into the grass. The smell of the hot air today was the exact smell of a jar of caterpillar. The smell-memory disappeared when I was distracted by a passing motorized bicycle.
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