finals, snowball fights, lies

This morning's Introduction to Architecture final was great, after getting over the minute stress of forgetting a pencil. Luckily my mom, aka Brian Hebdon, is in all of my classes. I probably got at least 90%. It was wonderful. If only my Physics and Calculus test could be that easy. I need to start studying for those tests.

I was sore for 2 days because of a super fun snowball fight Friday night. Tyler, Rob, Gabi and I snowball fought for probably 30 or so minutes. It was a bloody blast, as Rob would say. He's from England. Fun accent. Gabi's about my height so I could take him down pretty easily. Heh. But Tyler and Rob.. they were tough. Rob and I both were wearing glasses which was a really, really bad idea. Rob actually lost his in the snow once but we found them. It was my fault too- I threw one at the side of his head on accident. I always feel really bad when I hit faces. But Rob is terrible at making snowballs- he hasn't had much practice- so he wasn't too hard to deal with. He hasn't even ever made a snowman!!! Tyler though, he's a big football style kid, so he was difficult to take down. Plus we were allies for a bit but he betrayed me because he claimed I betrayed him, so I never knew if I could trust him or not. It was really fun. The snow was perfect for packing. Plus I was wearing my green galoshes so my feet weren't even cold. But my fingers were. No gloves. Oops. They killed. Meanwhile Mark and Matt hiked to the top of the mountian. They were gone for ever so I don't doubt that they wen't really high up there. My floor rocks.

I was rebuked yesterday for something I feel I cannot change without cheating myself. I don't like manipulation, repression, or lying, but I have to do all three in order to be "happy" and to make an old friend "happy." But yesterday is yesterday, today is today, and who knows if tomorrow will be what I want tomorrow to be. I was told it will not be. So now I manipulate my emotions to conform to tomorrow. Awesome.

My new best friends

My new best friends are the best. Obviously. If they weren't they'd be my new alright friends. I'll tell about Chelsea Blythe Kwallek and Heidi Anna Heninger. Both have blonde hair. Both are so fun and funny. Both are pretty. We all laugh so much. And we are thinking of/planning on moving into an apartment next year in slc. I'd love it. I've wanted to do that but had yet to meet any girls I'd like to live with. But now I have. Chelsea and Heidi.

Heidi looks like Jo Bradbury, my high school art teacher. She's really pretty. Chelsea looks somewhat similar to her, probably just because they both have blonde hair. But I love them. Chelsea and I stay up late every night talking and laughing. We even read scriptures together and force each other to pray. We love each other. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better roommate. Heidi is Chelsea's best friend from Sage Point, the dorm complex Chelsea moved here from. We have so much fun, I just love t. And they gave me permission to call them my new best friends. We have really only known each other for about a week and a half or 2 weeks, but I know we'll be best friends next semester. And I'm excited to live with them in a house or something. They, mostly Chelsea, say damn and hell sometimes, and usually at the perfect time. For example: we read scriptures together, like I mentioned before, at night. We switch off columns, but if the verse at the bottom of your column runs over, you have to finish the verse. Chelsea's last verse had 2 lines at the bottom of her column with 12 lines running into mine. So the sentence that carried over into my column was read with a very quiet "..damn.." in between the two words. I laughed for eternity. I love her.

It's nice having girlfriends. I'm really, really bad at that. But heidi and I have the same taste in many things. At lunch today we were rating boys and heidi and I would always agree on the same ones while chelsea was pretending to throw up. Chelsea is an abercrombie girl though, so what do you expect? :) Someday she'll change. Chelsea also makes fun of my music, but heidi says she likes weird music too. Except she also likes country which is crap. Oh well. So yes. The three of us are going to marry. And it's going to rock.

It's nice to have best friends again. I had one for a while once but lost it. It's wonderful having someone to belong to, even when it is two girls. I'm pleased with my luck. God listened when I asked for someone who would change my life. Yay.

Dove Wrapper

When Kylie gave me a Dove chocolate I opened it and gave the bad part (the dark chocolate) to Chelsea and kept the fortune on the wrapper for me. It said "Make a list of your dreams." So here goes.

Become an amazing architect like Frank Gehry or work with someone like him.

Be happy with my career, every day.

Marry a husband I love more than anyone in the world, in a temple.

Have a big family just as happy as mine.

Graduate from Princeton with a Masters in Architecture.

Design my own home.

Get accepted to the Architecure program at the U or get accepted into a program at Berkely California for Graduate school.

Live in Salt Lake City or another City in a small apartment.

Have a life filled with close relationships.

Live to be old and healthy.

Go to space.

Get a 6-pack. : )

Have enough money to send my kids where ever they want for college.

Travel the world. Guatamala, Italy, Sweden, Japan, China, Germany, France, Africa.

Believe in the LDS faith my entire life.

Keep a 3.7 for 4 years if I'm at the U that long.

That's all for now. I'm excited for life.

Love, Jessie G

Update

I miss my best friend.

I showered for so long my fingers turned to raisins!

I am afraid of the future for many reasons.

I really like my new roommate. More than I thought possible.

I'm excited for Christmas.

I like being LDS.

I almost got voted out of a club in the room next door because I say show instead of movie or film.

I'm lucky.

I'm going to be late for Calculus if I don't leave right now.

Bye.

Love,

Jessica Judy Gilmore

Lemon Cleanse Official Day One

Last night I drank a cup of laxitive herbal tea. I don't like it much, but I managed to get it all down. Then I went to bed. This morning I drank one quart of salt water. It was gross. I put about a teaspoon of uniodized salt into my water bottle and added warm water then shook it up, plugged my nose, and drank. I couldn't taste the salt, but I could sense it. Ugh. Gross. I had to do it twice to equal a quart. On my very last swallow I dry heaved (disgusting, I know) and couldn't swallow it. But then about an hour later I went number 2 for the first time in a few days. Then I drank my lemonade all day. It was hard resisting food so much, but I've put myself through a few days of gross and weird things, might as well not give up. So tonight I'll make another cup of tea and go to bed! Yay!

Lemon Cleanse Day Three

I've decided to start over. I ate lunch today. But I had already decided that I was going to start over. I'm staring over because I am supposed to have been drinking herbal tea at night before I go to bed, starting the night before I start the fast. Also, I read it's pretty good to drink a cup of warm water with uniodized salt mixed in each morning. So today I went to Smiths and bought a box of laxitive Herbal Tea and a container of salt. Tonight I'll drink my tea with my nose plugged (I don't like tea very much at all), and tomorrow morning I'll drink my saltwater with my nose plugged, then drink lemonade all day. This means Thursday will be my first day and.. Saturday the tenth day. Sunday and Monday I'll drink only Orange juice. Then Tuesday I'll drink orange juice for breakfast, fruit for lunch, and salad for dinner. After that I'm supposed to be back to normal! I'm excited. Wish me luck. Tomorrow is my Official First Day of the Lemonade Diet.

Lemon Cleanse Day Two

Today's lemon cleanse didn't go so well. I woke up feeling really light headed and shakey. I slowly got ready, lying down every few minutes or so. I mixed a drink and started to sip it, but each swallow made me gag a little. It just gave me the shivers. Then I just swallowed a few last gulps and walked out the door for class. I got down three floors taking it slow because I was still feeling pretty light headed. I got outside and knew I was going to throw up soon. I sat down on a bench right outside my building after deciding that running back up stairs to my bathroom would probably make it worse. I decided to lie on the grass for a sec, but soon after I lied down I sat up and threw up on the grass. Gross gross gross. I hate throwing up. I didn't think I'd throw anything up anyways since I hadn't had solid food since Sunday night, but I did throw up lemonade. Ugh. Then a few seconds later my friend Rob walked out of the building and made sure I was okay before heading to class. I felt better after I threw up, but thinking about the drink made me sick. So after Calculus I went to the Union and bought a couple rolls and a few saltine crackers and some apple juice. I ate very slowly and my stomach handled it fine. Then a couple hours later, right before Sign Language, I decided I was starving so I got another couple of rolls and crackers and apple juice. I felt a little weird after eating that round. So I drank regular water for a while and went to the fieldhouse with Kylie and Kristen and pumped some iron :) and they convinced me to keep going with the cleanse. When we got back I drank a whole glass without feeling too grossed out. This time I put a little less lemon and a little more syrup. I just drank another glassful and am feeling pretty good. Michelle said she felt shakey like that in the mornings too so I should have a class premade by my bed and try to just drink it down right when I wake up. And I'm going to drink until I get in bed. So yep. I'm feeling pretty good. Yes, I ate food today, but I feel okay about it. And I didn't even really crave food or junk like I usually do when I'm trying to eat healthier or what not. They say the 3rd day is hardest, but since I ate today, maybe the 4th day will be hardest. I can take it though. Oh yeah, I thought I was supposed to drink only this lemonade for 10 days then work back into solid food, but Michelle thinks maybe it's only 7 days, then apple and orange juice day 8 and 9, then small amounts of solids day 10. That would be wonderful. I'll look it up. Goodnight!

Lemon Cleanse Day One

Day One of the Lemon Cleanse went quite well I'd say. I was only sad when Kylie said "Who wants some Wheat Thins!?" and I said "Me!!" then "Oh man. Nevermind." I just keep forgetting! Oopsies. I'm mostly worried about lunch every Monday Tuesday Wednesday and Friday. I have calculus right before lunch-time and a group of us go to the Union after math and eat. It's fun. But I know that if I even go with them I'll buy something. So I'm going to have to be anti-social for the next 9 days. But I'm sad because the semester is coming to an end, and the few friends I eat with will no longer be in my classes so I want to strenghten our friendships while I still can! Predicament. I'll just have to carry my Nalgene full of lemon-syrup-cyanne pepper-water around so I'm not tempted. Too bad it looks like someone backwashed in it. Not embarrassing at all. Another con to this cleanse is that my meal plan doesn't roll over, so not eating for 10 days costs me.. let's see, for 7 days I have 19 meals, plus 3 more days of 3 meals a day, that's 28 meals at 5.50 a piece.. 154 dollars down the drain. Wowzers. Not cool. Oh well. Mommy said that's okay.

Standards Restood

Sitting with a few friends the other night, an R rated movie came up. The one friend said about the other, "But he won't come see it with me." I asked why and he said, "I have standards." Then they went on about how he's "so missionary" still but I sort of tuned out after that. I thought about how few standards the world has. Zero, really. And being able to keep any standard at all these days is really hard. As the friend later said, "Only recently have I realized the overwhlemingly pitiful feeling of compromising a standard I had previously thought to be quite black and white." I feel sad at myself for growing up so strong then deciding this standard wasn't That important. I tell myself I am not affected by anything these days, being so "exposed" to things in college, but heck, why not stay innocent? I think of how cool the people back in the day were, the ones who spoke properly and sat with great posture and drank tea and had amazing manners, and I wonder what their reaction would be to the media these days. I want to be more like them. I want to have standards, something most of the world has forgotten about. So here goes. I'm forgiving myself (something I am Not good at) for watching the few R movies I have seen, and am now moving on and will try my hardest to keep my standard as high as it was when I'd get mad at my siblings for saying "crap" or "suck" or "shut up."

I'm a hopeless romantic.

I like to imagine that someone is as creepy as me, somewhere out there. I like to pretend that someone went home one day and pulled out the yearbook and looked through the entire grade to figure out what my name was. Then looked for me every day in the commons. Or asked someone, pointing, “Who is that girl over there?” “Oh that’s Jessie Gilmore. She’s pretty cool.” I like to pretend someone stalked my myspace and found out where I lived and walked past my door. Or would drive the long way home just to drive past my house. Or would sit outside in the shadows across the street and watch my light come on then see me close the window and pull down the blinds then twist them shut. And they’d think about the fact that I didn’t know they existed or that they had a crush on me. And they’d see me around, walking with my face in a book or talking on the phone or laughing with a friend and I wouldn’t notice them but they’d take in everything about me. I like to imagine there is someone out there as creepy as me.

It’s hard being completely in love with someone and not knowing what the future has in store. But it’s nice knowing that –as my brother put it – whoever I marry, I will love just as much if not more than anyone I’ve loved thus far. And if I don’t, I won’t marry him. Simple as that.

Influences from a best friend

I have a best friend. His name is Sam. He changed my life.

1. Eye contact. I used to feel like people were able to read my mind if I kept eye contact too long, like all my deepest darkest secrets were written on the back wall of my eyeballs. But now I realize that’s not true. The truth is I can read minds when I keep eye contact. Sam taught me this. Plus I think it shows power. And sincerity. I’m pleased with my eye-contact improvement.

2. Details details details. Not yet as extreme as Sam’s note of detail, but more than my B.S. (before Sam) years. This is detail in everything. Me, my hair (mostly the way my bangs lay because he was ocd about his own bangs/hair), my face, my clothes, my posture, my eyes, boys, their hair, their posture, their shoes, their jeans, their teeth, their nose, their walk, pictures on walls (I’ve always been ocd with this, but he encouraged it), organizing stuff that doesn’t really need to be organized, the list goes on and on.

3. Language. I thought that Sam’s great grammar had rubbed off on me and was finally showing through when I moved away, but the truth is this: at home I was always in his shadow, even when I did use big ish words, he already knew what it meant and how would correct my usage, but now alone in the world I don’t have anyone to tell me I’m saying things wrong, and I don’t have many people using words that I don’t know yet. He’s way too advanced for his own good.

4. Jealousy. I used to be pretty laid back and okay with anything in by B.S. days. Sure if my crush was flirting with someone else I’d feel jealous, not to would be unnatural. But in the A.S. days have I felt physically sick due to missing/being jealous over/thinking about someone. Not telling who that someone is. :P I definitely learned that one from Sam.

5. Music. I like more music now. I appreciate more music now. And I go to concerts now. And I’m better at name that tune. And my itunes is twice as big. Sam.

6. I care about things that I should care about. Things in the newspaper. Both Sam and his parents and John and our parents get credit for this one. I just wish I had known that I cared when knowledge was more easily accessible. Plus Sam like, scoffs at me now when I ask about something that I want to know more about. He says, when did you start caring about things like this? What, am I supposed to go forever as the less educated one? I’ll be smarter than him, someday.

7. High Expectations. I’ve always been a perfectionist in certain ways, but Sam made me expect more of myself intellectually. He helped me realize I could go big for college or my future. Bigger than I might have. And I have big goals and big dreams and I know I can reach them if I try hard enough. I think Sam and his parents instilled this in me a little, through support and encouragement, where my family is too sarcastic for this type of thinking. In a way. I love the Cheney family so much. What a blessed (pronounced bless ed. 2 syllables) family.

8. Competition. I’ve always been competitive, but I had never before dated someone that was just as if not more competitive than me. I would be so angry when Sam would beat me home from school that he had to let me win if he wanted to have me talk to him during the first hour after school. So sometimes this competition is a bad thing, but more than not it is great. I’m more competitive with my opinions, which help morph them into more mature ideas. I’m more competitive with my grades- haha one of my main motivations for studying for a test is to beat the kid that got a better score on me last time. And hey, it gets me the grade. I think this competitiveness will come in handy when/if I am in the architecture program competing for one of the 45 graduating class spots.

9. Respect. He’s a people pleaser. He can win the respect of anyone by being himself. He’s courteous, polite, attentive, mature, honest, and just very classy in appearance and action. I’ve learned that when I throw this kind of etiquette into relationships with anyone, roommates, floor friends, cafeteria workers, professors, bus drivers, etc, I get much of that respect back. I’m trying to treat people like they are above me. My family is very sarcastic and funny, sometimes rude, or so it appears to outsiders, and I have become a very sarcastic and sometimes rude person, if I don’t remind myself regularly to be more polite even to good friends. Even to shuttle bus drivers I say thank you every time I get off and say hello when I get on and don’t act like I’m better than them by not acknowledging them like some of the students do. Sam always said thank you. It rubbed off on me and it’s great. What wonderful words, really. I love saying them.

To be continued. Maybe.

My (accurate) Astrological Picture

Name: Jessica Gilmore
August 10 1989
5:25 PM Time Zone is MDT
Salt Lake City, UT

Rising Sign is in 27 Degrees Sagittarius
You are known for being open, frank, outgoing and honest. At times, though, you are also blunt and quite indiscreet. Others have to learn not to take everything you say personally, because you usually do not mean any harm. You appreciate living your life in a straightforward and simple manner -- you dislike social niceties and consider them to be hindrances to real communication. You have lots and lots of energy and tend to become quite restless if you feel confined. You demand the freedom to do as you choose -- you must be self- directed or you feel trapped and anxious. With your abundant energy, you enjoy being outdoors, and you should be attracted to physical exercise or to those forms of sport which can help you burn off some of that excess energy. Very gregarious, you love to socialize -- your innate enthusiasm livens up any gathering.

Sun is in 18 Degrees Leo.
More than a bit of a showoff, you love to be the center of attention! But others do not usually mind because they tend to enjoy your genuine warmth and affection. Very spirited and willful, proud and self-important at times, you demand your own way. You are quite honest, however, and the respect of others is very important to you. You never compromise yourself and you pursue your goals with persistence and dedication. Your regal presence and demeanor draws you to positions of leadership and authority. But beware of being overly hardheaded, domineering, ostentatious or patronizing or you will lose the goodwill and admiration that you enjoy. Very theatrical, you live life on a grand scale wherever and whenever possible. Your strength and energy vitalizes those who come in contact with you.

Moon is in 02 Degrees Sagittarius.
An idealist, you prefer the grand, the beautiful, the good and the noble. You get very disappointed when your high expectations in life are not met. Very curious by nature, you enjoy traveling and learning about other peoples and cultures. Try to avoid your tendency to ignore the small but important details of living. You are independent and free, and you want others to be that way, too. Optimistic, buoyant and cheerful, others like to have you around. You have an incessant desire to learn as much as possible about metaphysics, religion, philosophy and any other broad, deep subject. Your life tends to be punctuated by bursts of energy and frenetic activity.

Mercury is in 09 Degrees Virgo.
Very thorough and efficient, you pay attention to the minor but important details of any project. You are a careful thinker who can learn complicated, intricate techniques. You are attracted to practical, useful skills and are probably good at working with your hands. You are very critical of yourself and others, sometimes too much so, and you get the reputation of being a nag or of being nit-picky. Your first reaction to any situation is to try to organize, classify and analyze everything!

Venus is in 21 Degrees Virgo.
You express your love and affection through selfless service to people or causes. You have a tendency to underestimate yourself and doubt your self-worth. This is very demeaning and should be avoided -- learn to love yourself as well as you do others. Your standards of perfection are very high -- you are attracted to relationships based on duty and responsibility. You are supercritical of yourself and others and, at times, prefer to be alone rather than deal with any imperfections in yourself or in those with whom you might relate.

Mars is in 04 Degrees Virgo.
Very careful and systematic, you pay great attention to details. You are always seeking perfection and sometimes get bogged down searching for the ultimate when adequacy would have been sufficient. You dislike abstractions, preferring whatever is practical, useful and demonstrable. You have a strong and enduring sense of personal responsibility, and you demand that others be as responsible and upright as you are. Very critical of yourself and others, sometimes you carry this too far and become overly intolerant of others and their right to choose their own lifestyles.

Jupiter is in 02 Degrees Cancer.
You must be emotionally secure in order to grow and develop. You are happiest when your family and community support and nourish you and boost your morale. Whether your childhood experiences of love and emotional dependability were positive or negative will set the tone for your emotional growth and stability as an adult. When you feel at ease with yourself, you are able to offer assistance to those who need a helping hand.

Saturn is in 08 Degrees Capricorn.
Very serious-minded and mature, you have the ability to take on responsibilities and to carry out important duties. You can also be trusted to be extremely practical and thrifty. A good organizer, you are the ideal one to be counted on to take a clearly defined project through to its logical conclusion. An achiever, you pride yourself on your ability to focus your attention totally on some worthy goal and then attain it.

Uranus is in 01 Degrees Capricorn.
You, and your peer group as well, seek out practical solutions to a changing society's attitudes to customs, traditions and authority structures. Your logical and orderly manner of dealing with these matters will result in permanent and carefully planned, but sweeping, reforms.

Neptune is in 10 Degrees Capricorn.
You, and your entire generation, will idealize work, practicality and the ability to attain reasonable goals. But, because you will also stress the need to be selfless and giving, you may find it difficult to attain your goals unless you have lowered your expectations on all fronts.

Pluto is in 12 Degrees Scorpio.
For your entire generation, this is a period of intense research and discovery in areas that were heretofore considered mysterious, remote or taboo. The root causes for many complex occurrences will be unearthed due to the intensity and thoroughness of the search.

N. Node is in 25 Degrees Aquarius.
As long as someone else (or a group or organization) appeals to your intellectual sensibilities, you'll try to ally yourself with them in some way. You may find that you always seem to get involved with many wide-ranging groups -- so much so that you find it difficult to fit them all into your busy schedule. Your many friends and acquaintances provide you with needed stimulation. You're loyal and fair-minded -- you try to spend time equally with all your friends, never concentrating on just one or two for any length of time. Although probably quite conservative yourself, you're attracted to those who are a bit offbeat or eccentric -- you enjoy watching their minds work.

Limeade

As I poured a few tablespoons of limejuice, a couple tablespoons of Natural Organic Maple Syrup, and a pinch of cayenne pepper into a water bottle, I said to my empty room, "My family is so weird."

The moment I decide I'm done studying for a test, a million pounds lift off my shoulders as if I've just put down my pencil and turned the in actual test. It's like when I hated Saturdays because the next was Sunday and the next day was Monday, which equaled school, and I could feel school's inevitable coming the second I opened my eyes Saturday morning. But opposite.

(11.16.7)

Bye bye Hye

(WARNING: THIS BLOG IS NOT SHORT, LIKE SOME PEOPLE (TYLER) LIKE)

It's my last night with my roommate, Hyesun. I'm scared. It's like moving in all over again. I was so worried about meeting my roommate when I was getting ready to come to college, and now I have to go through it once more, I think. I don't even know if I'm getting a new roommate. I could be by myself for the rest of the semester, which I wouldn't mind at all. The benefits of having the room to myself:
1. On Saturdays I can sleep for eternity without being woken by the moving about of a mate.
2. I won't have to turn down my music or put in my headphones every time my roommate walks in.
3. I can rearrange the room with the two beds are next to each other so my bed is suddenly giant! YES!!! I HADN'T EVEN THOUGHT OF THAT BEFORE!!
4. I already don't talk much, and with no one here to talk to I won't feel guilty for it.
5. I take it back; I do talk a lot, but mostly to myself. Or I sing. But again, it's best to be alone for such activities.
6. I sleep talk. I know I do because I sometimes wake myself up doing it. Maybe that's why she's moving out. On the 2nd or 3rd day I asked her if I had been sleep talking but she just smiled and continued doing what she had been doing. She didn't understand English very well then.
7. There will be no secret battles over control of the thermostat. No losing battles, at that. She turns it up. She walks into the bathroom. I turn it down, slightly, so that maybe she won't notice. My temperature still goes up to 100 degrees so I leave for a bit because she likes the heat. I come back and it's off, but it smells like Christmas. That's not necessarily a bad thing, but Christmas in October was a little early. The only time I get the guts to turn it off while she's in the room is when she has fallen asleep. I'm brave then. I just want her to be comfortable, really. I don't want to be an annoying roommate that ruins her stay in the U.S. by freezing her brains out every day. Heh.
8. I can keep the light until I go to bed instead of being courteous by going by my lamp once my roomy goes to bed.

Conversation between Michelle Gilmore and me:
"Bill Clinton was at my school the other day."
"Really?"
"Yeah. But I wasn't there. Plus it was 50 bucks to get in. He was raisin' money for The Wife."
"Why, ' she have cancer or something?"
This is what BYU does to people.
Jk.

Today at the HC as I was eating a bowl of Lucky Charms and reading my book Tender Mercies, I overheard a group at the table behind me say "mission prep class" and "marriage prep class" so I listened for a minute. I like eavesdropping. I gathered from those terms that they were probably LDS. The conversation ended up being quite boring so I tuned them out again and went back to my book. (Side note: It's odd that I even heard them say those words. When I'm reading I tune out everything around me. But of course, if someone said "Jessie" or "Megan" I would hear it. (Megan is the name a boy on my floor calls me, just because he thinks I look more like a Megan.) But I had been tuning out their entire conversation until suddenly my brain registered the LDS terms. It's weird what my brain chooses to hear.) Back to the moment of tuning back into my book after hearing boring conversation: After finishing my bowl of Lucky Charms I got up to bring the bowl to the revolving rack. I looked at the table whose conversation I had heard. I wouldn't have guessed they were LDS. Not that they appeared not to be, necessarily, but I thought I was getting better at determining who was and who wasn't based off of looks, like a lot of out of statesmen can do. So now I'm curious. I want to know specific things those people look at/for to determine whether or not someone is LDS. There's that Conference Talk by President Faust in which he talks about an experience where someone said there was "a light in their eyes," referring to the LDS people that person had met. But besides that vague idea I don't know how else to tell. Not that it matters in the least sense; it's not like I talk to the Mormons and not to anyone else. I don't even talk to the Mormons. Hah. I'm just curious.

I like the line in Across The Universe "Music is the only thing that makes sense anymore."

Another eavesdropping story: As I ate a bagel and read my book at the Union yesterday, I listened to a girl at the table in front of me. She was on the phone telling a funny story: The night before, she walked into her apartment/dorm/what not and shut the door. As she turned around, her roommate or someone in the room gasped and a half a second later the girl was hit in the head and shoulder by the TV. It fell off of whatever it was sitting on and had probably been inching toward the edge every time the door shut. To make it even sadder/funnier, on top of the TV had been a multiple cactuses, and as the TV fell, they fell. These cactuses attacked the girl and she spent the next 30 minutes having cactus needles pulled out of her face, even her eyelids! by her roommates. Funny huh! And sad, of course. But she said the TV still works fine and she didn't seem to have any brain damage or anything, so I deem it mostly funny.

Seeing a happy couple makes me happy and sad. I just hate the fact that almost any given couple has probably fought or will probably fight at some point. In fact, one of them if not both will probably cry because of it. And that makes me feel really, really bad. I don't like seeing them so happy and picturing one yelling at the other, or one crying silently while the other sits and watches not knowing how to fix what has happened. I want them to be happy. Everyone in the world cries. It's terrible. I wish I could befriend every crying person and make him or her laugh just once. I hate hate hate being sad, and hate seeing other people sad. I would say I hate the very emotion, but without feeling extreme sadness, I wouldn't feel extreme happiness. So I'm grateful for it, as much as I hate it.

What a pleasant surprise! In front of my clock is an open pack of Orbit gum. When I looked at the time it read 2:35 and I thought, "bloody, I have class in 5 hours." But then I looked again and saw the tip of a 1 above the Orbit pack! It's only 12:35! Class isn't for 7 hours! Sweet mother of Abraham Lincoln, I'm going to bed.

11.13.7 (well, 11.14.7 technically)

Books

(11.12.7)

Books I have read, as much as I can remember. But it keeps growing.

1. 1984 by George Orwell
2. A Series of Unfortunate Events books 1-8 by Lemony Snicket
3. A Star In Winter by Anita Stansfield
4. The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn by Mark Twain
5. Animal Farm by George Orwell
6. Angles and Demons by Dan Brown
7. The Anthem by Ayn Rand
8. The Battle for the Castle by Elizabeth Winthrop
9. Best Enemies by Jane Heller
10. Beezus and Ramona by Beverly Cleary
11. The BFG by Roald Dahl
12. Bird By Bird by Anne Lamott
13. The Borrowers by Mary Norton
14. The Boxcar Children by Gertrude Chandler Warner
15. The Boys Start the War by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
16. Caddie Woodlawn by Carol Ryrie Brink
17. The Castle in the Attic by Elizabeth Winthrop
18. The Chocolate Touch by Patrick Skene Catling
19. The Chosen by Chaim Potok
20. The Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis
21. Crash by Jerry Spinelli
22. Cricket in Times Square by George Selden
23. The Crucible by Arthur Miller
24. The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time by Mark Haddon
25. The Da Vinci Code by Dan Brown
26. Dear Mr. Henshaw by Beverly Cleary
27. Death of A Salesman by Arthur Miller
28. Drowning Ruth by Christina Schwarz
29. Eenie, Meanie, Murphy, NO! by Colleen O'Shaughnessy McKenna
30. Ella Enchanted by Gail Carson Levine
31. The Eyes of the Amaryllis by Natalie Babbitt
32. Fahrenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury
33. Frankenstein by Mary Wollstonecraft Shelley
34. The Girl Who Owned a City by O. T. Nelson
35. The Giver by Lois Lowry
36. The Great Brain by John D. Fitzgerald
37. The Great Gatsby by F. Scott Fitzgerald
38. Grendel by John Gardner
39. Hamlet by William Shakespeare
40. Harry Potter 1-6 by J.K. Rowling
41. Henry Huggins by Beverly Cleary
42. The Hobbit by JRR Tolkien
43. Holes by Lois Sachar
44. How to Eat Fried Worms by Thomas Rockwell
45. Indian in the Cupboard by Lynne Reid Banks
46. Inkheart by Cornelia Caroline Funke
47. Island of the Blue Dolphin by Scott O'Dell
48. Jacob's Rescue by Malka Drucker
49. Jane Eyre by Charlotte Bronte
50. Julius Caesar by William Shakespeare
51. Life of Pi by Yann Martel
52. Lily's Crossing by Patricia Reilly Giff
53. Little House on the Prairie series by Laura Ingalls Wilder
54. Little Women by Louisa May Alcott
55. Lord of the Flies by William Golding
56. Macbeth by Williams Shakespeare
57. Megan's Island by Willo Davis Roberts
58. Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIMH by Robert C O'Brien
59. My Side of the Mountain by Jean Craighead George
60. Number the Stars by Lois Lowry
61. The Odyssey by Homer
62. Of Mice and Men by John Steinbeck
63. Old Man and the Sea by Ernest Hemingway
64. On My Honor by Marion Dane Bauer
65. Our Town by Thorton Wilder
66. The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton
67. The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky
68. Ramona by Beverly Cleary
69. Redwall series by Brian Jacques
70. Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare
71. Sarah, Plain and Tall by Patricia MacLachlan
72. The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne
73. The Secret of NIMH by Robert C O'Brien
74. A Separate Peace by John Knowles
75. Shane by Jack Schaefer
76. Shiloh by Phyllis Reynolds Naylor
77. Sideways Stories from Wayside School by Lois Sachar
78. Stargirl by Jerry Spinelli
79. Tennis Shoes Among the Nephites by Chris Heimerdinger
80. There's a Boy in the Girls' Bathroom by Lois Sachar
81. To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee
82. Treasure Island by Robert Louis Stevenson
83. The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle
84. Tuck Everlasting by Natalie Babbitt
85. Under the Blood-Red Sun by Graham Salisbury
86. Walk Two Moons by Sharon Creech
87. Wayside School is Falling Down by Lois Sachar
88. The Westing Game by Ellen Raskin
89. Where the Heart Leads by Anita Stansfield
90. Where the Red Fern Grows by Wilson Rawls
91. The Witches by Roald Dahl
92. The Wringer by Jerry Spinelli


Books I want to read

1. I Am the Cheese by Robert Cormier
2. The Poisonwood Bible by Barbara Kingsolver
3. Hard Laughter by Anne Lamott
4. Running With Scissors by Augusten Burroughs
5. The Power of Limits by György Doczi
6. Ways of Seeing by John Berger
7. The Shape of Content by Ben Shahn
8. Down the Highway: The Life of Bob Dylan by Howard Sounes
9. The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas
10. Seabiscuit by Laura Hillenbrand
11. Inkspell by Cornelia Funke
12. The Secret Life of Bees by S. Kidd
13. Peter Pan by J. M. Barrie
14. The Catcher in the Rye by J. D. Salinger
15. On the Road by Jack Kerouac
16. This Side of Paradise by F. Scott Fitzgerald
17. Naked Lunch by William S. Burroughs
18. Walden by Henry David Thoreau
19. The Stranger by Albert Camus
20. The Fountainhead by Ayn Rand
21. Angela's Ashes by Frank McCourt
22. Blink by Malcolm Gladwell
23. The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell
24. The Grapes of Wrath by John Steinbeck
25. My Name is Asher Lev by Chaim Potok
26. The Promise by Chaim Potok
27. Eragon by Christopher Paolini
28. Eldest by Christopher Paolini
29. A Streetcar Named Desire by Tennessee Williams
30. A Swiftly Tilting Planet by Madeleine L'Engle
31. A Wrinkle in Time by Madeleine L'Engle
32. Taoism by Jennifer Oldstone-Moore
33. The Wisdom of the Taoists by D. Howard Smith

Emo

One of my best friends cuts me down more than anyone in this world. I often leave them feeling like a piece of crap. Amazing isn't it? How at 2:30 I can be having a grand time, feeling included and loved, accepted and important, then by 7:00 I want to move to New York and never see anyone I love ever again. I want to climb in a box with a million books and a reading light and some water bottles and never have to do anything for the rest of my life. I want to live through characters in books and never have to think for myself. When I do I get destroyed. I have no idea what I'm ever ever ever talking about and should never open my mouth again. "Silence is knowledge and knowledge is power." Why do I try caring about anything or anyone? It never works. I wish I was thirty and flirty and thriving. I wish my list of friends was longer than my list of things I hate about myself. What the hell. I hate everyone. I hate myself. I hate that I'm emo. But I'm not. If I were emo, this would be normal. But I'm not emo, so this is not normal. There is only one person in this world that could make me feel better but at the moment I feel like never ever ever seeing or speaking to this person again. Why is that? I wish I could trade places with someone I know. She's perfect. Completely perfect. Ugh. Emo emo emo. It feels so good to be emo.

(11.11.7)

Mood Notes Results

For 10 days, I paid special attention to my mood. When I was feeling extremely happy or extremely sad, I'd try to remember to pull out my note book and write down what had happened that day that was influencing my those emotions. I now have a list of 73 things that made me feel extremely happy and 25 things that made me feel extremely sad. I took these lists and translated each event into a general idea, and then grouped each idea into an even broader idea. So from my list of 73 and 25, I came up with a list of 9 and 6.

Things that affect my mood in a positive way (in order, to an extent):

Attention attention attention. Especially positive laughter aimed at me.
Feeling like I belong to a group, and more so contribute to it.
Feeling carefree.
Spending time with strengthening ties with already established friends
Being organized with space and time.
Seen in positive light/complimented
Being productive on my own for my own betterment.
Taking care of my body physically.
Art, both visual art and music. Nature

Things that affect my mood in a negative way (also in order, somewhat):

Feeling excluded/rejected
Being put down by someone I love
Thinking about past friends/love sickness
Being irresponsible
Comparing self to others
Hearing bad news

This might look dumb or predictable, but I honestly don't think I would have been able to write these had I not taken mood note, sometimes more than once a day. I just wanted to have a better idea of what affects my mood in what way. It was a really interesting project. Try it.

11.8.7

My Thoughts on "Indie"

This blog consists of my thoughts and opinions only. Feel free to disagree. But if you are going to disagree, you have to first read the whole thing. You can't just say, "You can't define indie, loser," like my dear brother Jared will say. It's a long blog, but stick with it.

Indie is "Independent."
Indie kids listen to indie music- music independent of major labels/mainstream stuff.
Indies are also independent of caring what others think of them. For example:
A couple weeks ago I passed a girl wearing a Phantom of the Opera sweater. She walked with her hips swinging but her pelvis pushed forward. It immediately reminded me of a girl from my hometown named Megan Olsen. She walked the same way, and most likely had the same sweater. It was a very show-offy way of walking. I can't quiet describe it, but if you know Megan, you know what I'm talking about. Anyways, as I watched her, my thought process went like this: She looks like a super lame theater person. The way she's walking… As I walk, I think about the environment around me- how I relate to it and how it is affecting what I do and what I think about. As she walks, she thinks about how what she does and what she thinks is affecting the environment around her. I also had the thought that if she and I were both suddenly thrown into a world of white (like on the commercials where they have a red couch sitting in what appears to be a white universe, or in The Matrix when they are training or downloading knowledge, they start in a white room with no walls or end), 2 separate worlds, that is, with no one and nothing but ourselves to keep us company, I would enjoy it and she would go insane. Already I exist mostly for myself alone. What I'm doing on a day-to-day basis is for my own good and not necessarily for the good of anyone else, at this point in time. I exist for myself. But I think she lives off of what others are thinking or saying about her, or at least what she thinks others are thinking or saying about her. In the white world, she wouldn't have the popular culture to tell her how to live. Her life is a performance. She's always on stage. She thinks there is always an audience. She thinks this audience either likes or dislikes her character based off of what they see her do, and she really wants them to like her, so she'll do what is expected. She wants to read good reviews on her life. She is always thinking about what her audience thinks of her. She's always thinking how she can live so that she has constant approval.

An indie kid is independent of this audience. Indies do what makes them happy. And yes, most people strive to do what makes them happiest, but indies tend to do best at ignoring the influence of society. Do you see? They are independent of the opinions of outsiders. They know that people are watching them and are judging them and might want them to change or act in a certain way, but they choose to ignore those opinions and instead do what makes them happiest. This is why indies are often quite happy.

Indies are often quite happy. A, because they choose to be independent of the influence of outside opinions, and B, because they do what makes them happiest. This often seems to include but is not limited to:
1. Listening to music, and indie music at that. Indie music is also often quite happy, and happy music makes happy listeners.
2. Reading. Reading classics, reading children's fantasy books, reading political books, reading philosophy books, reading biographies, reading the newspaper, reading reading reading.
3. Gaining knowledge. I think idies like to know what is going on around them and to have opinions it. I think they feel it important to contribute to society, even if only by being more aware of it. So indies like to know stuff. They read the newspaper. They go to college and are serious about their studies. They look up things on wikipedia. They discuss things. They have opinions on many, many things. But they don't force opinions on others. They just know it is important to have their own.
4. Being artsy. Indies usually enjoy the arts. Indies spend a lot of time thinking to themselves, and this usually results in trying to put their thoughts, ideas, and/or feelings into a physically audible or visible dimension like music, dance, photography, painting, drawing, building, writing, etc.

One last thing- Indie is the opposite of Emo. Indie kids are always doing something or going somewhere or thinking about something or being productive in some way shape or form. Emo kids often do nothing but think about how crappy the world is. While indies don't have time to think/care about what others think of them, Emos do nothing but sit around and think about what others do or say against them.

Indies are awesome. The end.

11.7.7

Scientists Alter Sexual Orientation in Worms

SCIENTISTS ALTER SEXUAL ORIENTATION IN WORMS

Same-Sex Attraction is Genetically Wired in Nematode's Brain

Media Contacts


Oct. 25, 2007 - University of Utah biologists genetically manipulated nematode worms so the animals were attracted to worms of the same sex - part of a study that shows sexual orientation is wired in the creatures' brains.

"They look like girls, but act and think like boys," says Jamie White, a postdoctoral researcher and first author of the new study. "The [same-sex attraction] behavior is part of the nervous system."

The study was published online Thursday, Oct. 25 in Current Biology, and will run in the journal's Nov. 6 print edition.

"The conclusion is that sexual attraction is wired into brain circuits common to both sexes of worms, and is not caused solely by extra nerve cells added to the male or female brain," says laboratory leader and biology Professor Erik Jorgensen, scientific director of the Brain Institute at the University of Utah and an investigator with the Howard Hughes Medical Institute.

"The reason males and females behave differently is that the same nerve cells have been rewired to alter sexual preference," he adds. "Our conclusions are narrow in that they are about worms and how attraction behaviors are derived from the same brain circuit. But an evolutionary biologist will consider this to be a potentially common mechanism for sexual attraction."

"We cannot say what this means for human sexual orientation, but it raises the possibility that sexual preference is wired in the brain," Jorgensen says. "Humans are subject to evolutionary forces just like worms. It seems possible that if sexual orientation is genetically wired in worms, it would be in people too. Humans have free will, so the picture is more complicated in people."

White and Jorgensen conducted the study with technician Jeff Gritton and three University of Utah biology undergraduates: Thomas Nicholas, Long Truong and Eliott Davidson. The study was funded primarily by the National Science Foundation.

The Rules of Attraction - for Worms

Nematodes, or C. elegans, are millimeter-long (one twenty-fifth of an inch) worms that live in soil and eat bacteria. Because the same genes are found in many animals, nematodes, mice, zebrafish and fruit flies often are used as "models" for humans in research.

Nematode worms lack eyes, so attraction is based only on the sense of smell. There are no true females and only one in 500 nematodes is male. Most are hermaphrodites, with both male and female organs. Jorgensen and White loosely refer to hermaphrodites as females because they produce offspring.

"A hermaphrodite makes both eggs and sperm," Jorgensen says. "She doesn't need to mate [with a male] to have progeny," but can fertilize her own eggs. "Most of the time, the hermaphrodites do not mate. But if they mate, instead of having 200 progeny, they can have 1,200 progeny."

Nematodes are few and far between in soil. So natural selection favored hermaphroditic worms because when they found an abundant food source, they were able to feast and make babies even if no males were nearby, Jorgensen says.

Male nematodes must find hermaphrodites if they are to reproduce, and they find them by smelling their sex-attractant odors or pheromones.

The Mind of a Worm is Sexualized

Jorgensen says the study looked at three possibilities, namely, whether male attraction to hermaphrodites results from:

Four "accessory" or extra smell-related nerve cells named CEM neurons that are found only in male brains. The worms gain these neurons during their version of puberty, their fourth larval stage.
Four "core" or basic smell-related nerve cells - two named AWC and two named AWA - found in both males and hermaphrodites.
Both the accessory and core neurons.
The answer was that male attraction involves the combination of both accessory and core nerve cells. The involvement of the core neurons was a surprise.

"We thought the extra CEM neurons provided sexual preference" because fourth-stage males are not attracted to hermaphrodites but adult males are, Jorgensen says. "We found instead that the brain - which is the same in young males and hermaphrodites - is rewired during the worm equivalent of puberty - the fourth larval stage - to make the males attracted to hermaphrodites."

"What we show is that the shared nervous system [common between male and hermaphrodite] is broadly sexualized," and sexual attraction can be changed by essentially flipping a genetic switch in that common brain, he adds.

The study involved these key experiments:

The researchers used laser microsurgery to kill the male-only CEM neurons in young larval males. The resulting adult males still were attracted to hermaphrodites.
That suggests the core neurons - brain cells common to both the male and hermaphrodite brain - are sexualized, and that the extra CEM nerve cells found only in males are not necessary for sexual attraction even though they normally play a role in it.

The biologists zapped eight different kinds of nerve cells involved in the sense of smell and taste: the four kinds of CEM neurons found only in males and four kinds of core neurons (AWA and AWC) also found in hermaphrodites. If any of the eight types of neurons was damaged in adult males, attraction was impaired. But when the nerve cells were zapped before puberty in fourth-stage larvae, they grew into adults with normal attraction to hermaphrodites. That shows "the nervous system can compensate for lost neurons as it goes through puberty," Jorgensen says.
"Normally there are eight sensory neurons in nematodes," says White. "You can take away seven of the eight prior to sexual maturation, and as long as there is one left, he can still be sexually attracted. ... Why would an organism that has only 383 nerve cells use eight of them for sexual attraction? It must be that the behavior is very important. There is redundancy. The system is flexible."

Next, "we took the hermaphrodite brain and we activated the genes that determine maleness," but only in the brain and not in the rest of the worm, Jorgensen says. Hermaphrodites with masculine brains "were attracted to other hermaphrodites."
The results show sexual orientation is wired into the brain in both sexes of worm.

To masculinize the brains of hermaphroditic worms, the researchers activated a gene named fem-3, but only in the nervous system. The fem-3 gene makes the body develop male structures such as a tail, which male worms use for copulation. With the gene active only in the brain, the hermaphrodites still had the same bodies and genitalia, but their brains were male, so they were attracted to other hermaphrodites.

To demonstrate the hermaphrodites produce sexual attractants or pheromones, the researchers washed hermaphrodites, and put some of the wash water on agar, a jelly-like growth medium, in a culture dish. When worms were placed on the dish, males moved toward the hermaphrodite wash water while hermaphrodites moved away.

When the scientists genetically altered hermaphrodites' brains to change their sexual orientation, they crawled toward the pheromones of other hermaphrodites.

"People debate whether the brain is influenced by sexual hormones from the gonads or whether the behavior is derived from the brain alone," Jorgensen says. "In this case, it's clear the brain is sexualized. ... The surprise was that sensory neurons found in the hermaphrodite brain are involved in sexual attraction in males."

This news release and downloadable high-resolution photos are at: http://www.unews.utah.edu/p/?r=101207-1

Sporadic Thoughts

The Human body kind of grosses me out. Eating is gross. Drinking is ok, especially through a straw. But eating is disgusting. So is digestion and excretion. Bleh. Gross. I just hate watching people eat. I've seen very few people who are proper enough with food to not have it bother me. I bother me. I talk with food in my mouth, my face gets messy, etc. But I don't care. I only care that other people look not disgusting. Sex is gross, sweating is gross, zits are gross, drool is gross, leg hair and armpit hair is gross. Why can't we be made of metal or something?

Worst invention ever = the 3 in one handwasher/dryer found in the bathrooms down that hall. I insert my hands into the cave in the wall and soap squirts into my hands. Immediatly water comes exploding out, soaking the entire front of me for a good 10 to 12 seconds no matter how hard I try not to get wet, then the water turns off and the air comes on, but 70% of the time I still have soap on my hands. I have to put my hands into the cave next-door and dodge the soap then finish rinsing my hands, then I go back to the first cave til the dryer turns off then back to the second until it also turns off. My hands aren't even always dry. And there are no paper towels in there. Stupid, stupid invention.

Every time I miss a train or a bus, I have the odd feeling it doesn't exist. It only exists when I am involved. This is a very young, developing thought/idea so I am not going to expand quite yet.

Also, I started defining the term and group of people known as Indie yesterday. And I like what I have so far. This is also still developing so I'll save it for later.

I slept for probably 60-65% of Physics this morning. It gave me a headache because I slept awkwardly. I still felt like it was better to be there, sleeping, than to not be there at all.

I might go to France now. Instead of Italy. Because I don't know Italian. I'm excited and scared and anxious and nervous and worried but mostly excited.

I learned yesterday in ASL that the deaf culture is very blunt. I think the hearing culture should be more like that. It's probably healthy. When a hearing person sees an overweight person, we say, she's a little on the large side, or she's big for her age, or she's somewhat overweight, etc. When a deaf person sees an overweight person, he/she says, she's fat. It's a fact. There is no beating around the bush. Another example my teacher shared, He works somewhere with deaf people, and one day someone came in (I'm not sure if this person was deaf or hearing) and had a giant tooth or big gums or something very odd and noticible with his/her mouth. As this person assoiciated with hearing people, no one mentioned it. The first deaf person who talked to him/her though, immediatly said (or signed) "What's wrong with your mouth?"

It's amazing how we all have 2 eyes, a forehead, a nose, 2 nostrils, a mouth, teeth, cheeks, a chin, a jaw, and two ears, but everyone looks different. It's crazy! Blows my mind, really.

Ever since that nap in physics there has been a spot in my heart that hurts when I inhale really deeply. I feel like if I could inhale further it would pop, but I can't. It's physically impossible. Frustrating.

I think I'm done now. Thanks for listening.

Love Jessie