The feared wont melt no matter how blue the sky,
but acceptance of what it did,
through memories, smiles, laughter, and God,
will make it less glaring, less painful,
and eventually they all, even those most closely affected,
might enjoy it in its purity.
Friday, December 21, 2007
Snow night.
My sister Michelle and I went out in the snow an hour or so ago. My last prolonged encounter with snow was an adrenaline-rush-snowball-fight, quite the opposite of tonight. We bundled up (I wore green galoshes, grey sweat pants, bright blue lacrosse swishy pants, a tan coat, a white jacket, a black and brown scarf, green striped gloves, and a blue and white striped hat. I was breaking any and all fashion rules), walked out to our front yard, and lied down in the 5 or so inches of snow. We lied, amazed at the way the snow piles up on the tree branches and how it wiggles with the pattern of the twisty telephone wire, for about some minutes, and then our backs became cold. We rolled over and ate snow for a bit, which I love, then wandered the street for wandering's sake. Under a streetlight, we stopped and let our heads hang back on our necks for about 10 minutes. It was hard to breath. And talk. And catch snowflakes on our tongues. And enjoy the beautiful snowflakes all at the same time. Then we came back inside, even though Michelle claimed she could sleep in the snow without feeling cold. That only works with snow caves though.
Unrecognizable
At a family party tonight, 4 relatives told me they didn't recognize me. One was understandable, he was my grandpa's brother. He said, Gee I thought I knew all of Chuck and Judy's kids. Then later my cousin said Wow I almost didn't know who you were for a second. Then later my aunt walked past the table and looked at me so I smiled at her, then she walked past again a minute later, slowly, then stopped and said, My goodness, I couldn't figure out who you were! Sitting next to John I thought you could be his girlfriend but I knew you weren't. Then I finally realized it's Jessica! Someone else had trouble too, but I don't remember it. I swear I don't look THAT different. It's weird. And I'm not sure how I feel about it, because never was there a compliment involved, like Wow I didn't recognize you, you look beautiful! :) so maybe I've changed for the worse! Crap.
So I’m obsessed with myself. So what.
107 things about Jessie Gilmore
1. I don't have a middle name, but my mother said she would be honored when I asked if I could bear her name. So my real name is Jessica Judy Gilmore.
2. I am currently sitting in my once bedroom with my little brother Rob. We just put up Christmas lights around the ceiling and are listening to Anathallo.
3. I lived in the same home for 18 years before I moved to college.
4. The scar I can first remember getting is from a hot glue gun.
5. 7 is my lucky/favorite number.
6. I can only remember having 2 dolls growing up. I never owned a Barbie.
7. My first kiss weirded me out and I decided I never wanted to kiss again.
8. When I was 3 I got lost from my family in Las Vegas in a big pyramid.
9. When I picture myself in my mind's eye, I see my 9th grade self.
10. I've had 5 different bedrooms in my home. The one upstairs, the flowery walled one, the green one, the dungeon down the hall, and the closet under the stairs for 6 months.
11. When I played soccer my number was 9. My lacrosse number was 24 twice.
12. At Flaming Gorge I slipped as I was inching across an edge of a cliff. I slid some feet down but somehow stopped. A big rock bounced down making a lot of noise and my family thought I fell. If I was the rock I would have been dead. I came out with a few scratches instead.
13. I prefer odd numbers to even numbers.
14. In 7th grade, a girl said, "Jessie Gilmore... Your name sounds like it will someday be written in the stars..." I've always liked that idea.
15. I don't really know what the Peace Corps is.
16. I am the 6th of 8 children. I like being 6th.
17. A drunk girl wanted to make out with me. I said, "Gross. No." Then I hid the rainbow bag I was carrying around.
18. I've never seen Titanic.
19. I swear on my life that a couple friends and I saw 8 reindeer connected with bells trotting through the orchard by my house one winter.
20. My siblings are some of my best friends.
21. When I see digital clocks I try to find ways the numbers relate to each other. (8:42- 8¸4=2)
22. I often don't step on cracks, but can if I want.
23. The first boy I remember having a crush on died in a slide accident. He used to walk his bike down hills and we giggled at him. But he was a cutie.
24. Once I climbed a really tall tree into thin, thin branches to get my friend's kite. I felt like a hero.
25. I distinctly remember giving a book report in front of the class in 3rd grade and not being able to pronounce "enemies." I tried several times but kept saying eminies. I felt embarrassed.
26. In 7th grade my lunch consisted of maple bars or breadsticks from ala cart and
a peach papaya drink. It's no wonder I was chubby in Jr. High.
27. I come close to tears when I get in trouble to this day, especially by teachers or other school authority.
28. I play lacrosse and enjoy it.
29. When I was 8 or 9, I peeled open a gift under the Christmas tree from my sister to me a few days before Christmas. It was a poly pocket.
30. My friends and I tried to dig a 5-foot hole in the orchard. We were going to
put wood over the top of it and make the best fort ever. We only got about 2 feet down. To keep it a secret, we'd say, "Let's go watch Holes." That meant, "Let's go dig." Clever, I know.
31. I don't usually cry when I find out about a death. I often will later, but it takes a long time for my emotions to catch up with death. I feel insensitive and rude because of it.
32. I don't remember having an imaginary friend.
33. I kissed a girl once when I was in 2nd grade. It was a dare. In the closet.
34. I like reptiles more than any other animal.
35. The smell of heaters reminds me of Christmas.
36. I imagine things like death or kidnapping happening to me all the time.
37. I like the name Conrad.
38. I felt like the odd one out of my family for many years, but now I feel like I fit into a perfectly sized and shaped spot.
39. I might serve a mission some day. But I'd want to go to Chicago. Or
something. Not the Salt Lake City Visitor's Center. Or something.
40. When I was little I wanted to be a vet.
41. I could easily be a high school math teacher.
42. Right now I want peppermint ice cream but we only have orange sherbet- practically opposites.
43. I broke my pinky finger when I flipped forward over a scooter.
44. I want to live car less in a city when I grow up. Salt Lake City will do, but New York or some other famous city of the sort would be wonderful.
45. In elementary school I was on the Backstreet Boys side of the Backstreet
Boys- N'sync craze.
46. I think Christopher Walkin is a great actor.
47. I'll be mad if the North Salt Lake refineries ever don't put up their white light Christmas Star.
48. I am very protective of my little brothers. I get mad when they watch rated R movies or swear or do something I don't like. It kind of bothers me that I'm that way, so I try not to blow up all the time, but sometimes I can't help it.
49. The best Churro I have ever had was from Old Town in California. It had wonderful butterscotch caramel sauce inside.
50. I don't like Cowboys very much at all.
51. I hide behind my glasses and feel exposed when I don't have them on.
52. I'm a back seat driver. And when in shotgun I look over my shoulder when changing lanes on the freeway. I feel annoying when I catch myself doing it so I try not to.
53. I have a slight food aversion to butter.
54. We just picked up my sister Sara from the airport and I am not wearing my seatbelt because all 4 of us called the front row in the Suburban so we are sharing
4 people to 3 seats.
55. I feel that we need to do something about Global Warming.
56. I miss being a Tom Boy.
57. I don't know if I am a Democrat or Republican.
58. I drive fast on the freeway and like to change lanes and hit small gaps to be fastest.
59. I cry when I lose, like losing in Lacrosse State Championships 2 years in a row.
60. I don't believe that there is one person out there perfect for each person.
61. I make friends with boys much easier than with girls.
62. When I was in Jr. High I said I'd never wear make up in my life.
63. Almost every day on the way to school in 5th grade a friend and I went to Dick's Ace and bought penny candies.
64. My favorite Halloween costume was when I was a spider.
65. I didn't see The Incredibles for a few months after it came out because everyone loved it so much that I didn't want to love it so I avoided it. I'm still trying to figure that out about myself.
66. I don't like war. But I support our troops. It's wrong to protest at a soldier's funeral.
67. I like art and hope to be better at it someday.
68. I'd love to go skydiving.
69. I'm eating popcorn and wiping my hand on the couch between each handful because I don't want my keys to be oily.
70. If I could change anything about myself it'd be my skin.
71. I look a little like my mom and brother John who both look a little like Julie Andrews.
72. I'm good at guitar hero.
73. My first guy friend was Ryan Erickson. We used to play with Legos all the time.
74. I think it's funny when girls hyphen their names when they get married. I love my last name, but if I'm willing to spend the rest of eternity with a man, I should be willing to take on his name.
75. I played the Clarinet when I was in 7th grade but didn't keep it up because I didn't like my band teacher, Mr. Seagull.
76. I am shy when I first meet people but when I feel comfortable I can break out of my shell quickly.
77. I love when I hear or smell something that reminds me of my past or of books I have read.
78. I don't like when my friends make fun of me for writing blogs or making lists or reading books or the newspaper or other things that interest me. It actually makes me want to run away from them or punch them.
79. I liked high school.
80. Less than a year ago I ran away from home and stayed overnight at my friend's/neighbor's house.
81. My numerology number is 36/9. (August 10th, 1898; 8/10/1989; 8+1+0+1+9+8+9= 36; 3+6=9)
82. Although I know little about either, I am interested in Energy and Metaphysics.
83. I love being center of attention. I love being laughed at.
84. I like when people say my name when they say hello or goodbye or just in conversation, but I feel slightly uncomfortable saying others' names. It feels too personal or intimate sometimes.
85. I like making new friends and think I am good at it, but I am bad at keeping them.
86. When I was young, my best friends and I had a tree house. We helped build it. Then we painted the four inside walls. One red, one yellow, one blue, and one purple. I painted the blue one. Then the east winds blew it down years later.
87. My favorite colors are green, brown, blue, red, and black.
88. I am not afraid of heights. I hang a hammock during the summer about 7 feet off the ground and read all day. In 8th grade I built a chair into a tree in the front yard and did my homework in it after school.
89. I have never stolen anything big, only change from siblings' rooms and gum from a broken bubble-gum machine at Dick's Market. I am too afraid to steal anything more, even when I have the desire to.
90. I like talking about myself. I like analyzing myself and people close to me with personality codes or astrology or numerology or whatever I stumble upon.
91. I took gymnastics in 8th and 9th grade but hurt my back on the trampoline one day and have been a grandma ever since. I still jump on the tramp but it hurts every time I do. I love doing back flips though and wish I could do them on the ground. Or at least backhand springs.
92. I isolate myself often from family or friends, not usually in self-pity but because I enjoy being alone.
93. I like hiding money then finding it later. Same with candy and notes.
94. I spy on people through myspace, facebook when I had it, phonebooks, directories, etc. I like seeing where people live or knowing where they work or what not. And I do not think I am alone on this.
95. I lack self-discipline in most aspects of my life.
96. I love funny people, but not if they drown my humor.
97. I am not critical of books or movies. I enjoy almost any book or movie I read or see which makes me feel like I'm lacking something, like my judgment can't be trusted.
98. I have become a very jealous person in the last year and a half. For example, my sister was telling me a story. When she met a boy she has a crush on, he was with two other girls. I asked, who were the other girls? She said just a couple girls from the place he was staying. And she didn't seem to care at all that he was with two other girls, which should be expected. But I, even though I wasn't there and don't know the boy or anything, am already feeling negative or hopeless or critical of the boy because he was with 2 other girls. I didn't used to be like this. It's retarded. And I don't know how to fix it.
99. I like doing sudokus.
100. I used to walk around my home holding a mirror horizontally out in front of me pretending like the ceiling was the floor.
101. I hate using the restroom in the early morning because the toilet seat is always freezing.
102. One of my favorite places on this earth is Flaming Gorge.
103. I have found it common in young lovers to have a "special thing" with 11:11 wishes and shooting stars.
104. The other night I went to Wendy's at 1:something AM with only $1.25 because I just wanted a frosty. I guess the drive through closes at 1, not 2 like I thought. So I went to Wal-Mart and bought a small box of animal crackers for 96 cents instead.
105. I talk out loud to myself a lot. Otherwise my thoughts overlap in my mind and nothing is resolved, just confused.
106. After writing in my journal about the first time I held hands, I drilled a hole through it and padlocked it shut in fear of someone finding out.
107. On the way home from 5th grade one day, Annie Hale and I were taking turns wearing a hoodie backwards with the hood over our face while the other directed the person home. We made it about 7/8 of the way home, but I quit when she purposely directed me into a parked truck.
1. I don't have a middle name, but my mother said she would be honored when I asked if I could bear her name. So my real name is Jessica Judy Gilmore.
2. I am currently sitting in my once bedroom with my little brother Rob. We just put up Christmas lights around the ceiling and are listening to Anathallo.
3. I lived in the same home for 18 years before I moved to college.
4. The scar I can first remember getting is from a hot glue gun.
5. 7 is my lucky/favorite number.
6. I can only remember having 2 dolls growing up. I never owned a Barbie.
7. My first kiss weirded me out and I decided I never wanted to kiss again.
8. When I was 3 I got lost from my family in Las Vegas in a big pyramid.
9. When I picture myself in my mind's eye, I see my 9th grade self.
10. I've had 5 different bedrooms in my home. The one upstairs, the flowery walled one, the green one, the dungeon down the hall, and the closet under the stairs for 6 months.
11. When I played soccer my number was 9. My lacrosse number was 24 twice.
12. At Flaming Gorge I slipped as I was inching across an edge of a cliff. I slid some feet down but somehow stopped. A big rock bounced down making a lot of noise and my family thought I fell. If I was the rock I would have been dead. I came out with a few scratches instead.
13. I prefer odd numbers to even numbers.
14. In 7th grade, a girl said, "Jessie Gilmore... Your name sounds like it will someday be written in the stars..." I've always liked that idea.
15. I don't really know what the Peace Corps is.
16. I am the 6th of 8 children. I like being 6th.
17. A drunk girl wanted to make out with me. I said, "Gross. No." Then I hid the rainbow bag I was carrying around.
18. I've never seen Titanic.
19. I swear on my life that a couple friends and I saw 8 reindeer connected with bells trotting through the orchard by my house one winter.
20. My siblings are some of my best friends.
21. When I see digital clocks I try to find ways the numbers relate to each other. (8:42- 8¸4=2)
22. I often don't step on cracks, but can if I want.
23. The first boy I remember having a crush on died in a slide accident. He used to walk his bike down hills and we giggled at him. But he was a cutie.
24. Once I climbed a really tall tree into thin, thin branches to get my friend's kite. I felt like a hero.
25. I distinctly remember giving a book report in front of the class in 3rd grade and not being able to pronounce "enemies." I tried several times but kept saying eminies. I felt embarrassed.
26. In 7th grade my lunch consisted of maple bars or breadsticks from ala cart and
a peach papaya drink. It's no wonder I was chubby in Jr. High.
27. I come close to tears when I get in trouble to this day, especially by teachers or other school authority.
28. I play lacrosse and enjoy it.
29. When I was 8 or 9, I peeled open a gift under the Christmas tree from my sister to me a few days before Christmas. It was a poly pocket.
30. My friends and I tried to dig a 5-foot hole in the orchard. We were going to
put wood over the top of it and make the best fort ever. We only got about 2 feet down. To keep it a secret, we'd say, "Let's go watch Holes." That meant, "Let's go dig." Clever, I know.
31. I don't usually cry when I find out about a death. I often will later, but it takes a long time for my emotions to catch up with death. I feel insensitive and rude because of it.
32. I don't remember having an imaginary friend.
33. I kissed a girl once when I was in 2nd grade. It was a dare. In the closet.
34. I like reptiles more than any other animal.
35. The smell of heaters reminds me of Christmas.
36. I imagine things like death or kidnapping happening to me all the time.
37. I like the name Conrad.
38. I felt like the odd one out of my family for many years, but now I feel like I fit into a perfectly sized and shaped spot.
39. I might serve a mission some day. But I'd want to go to Chicago. Or
something. Not the Salt Lake City Visitor's Center. Or something.
40. When I was little I wanted to be a vet.
41. I could easily be a high school math teacher.
42. Right now I want peppermint ice cream but we only have orange sherbet- practically opposites.
43. I broke my pinky finger when I flipped forward over a scooter.
44. I want to live car less in a city when I grow up. Salt Lake City will do, but New York or some other famous city of the sort would be wonderful.
45. In elementary school I was on the Backstreet Boys side of the Backstreet
Boys- N'sync craze.
46. I think Christopher Walkin is a great actor.
47. I'll be mad if the North Salt Lake refineries ever don't put up their white light Christmas Star.
48. I am very protective of my little brothers. I get mad when they watch rated R movies or swear or do something I don't like. It kind of bothers me that I'm that way, so I try not to blow up all the time, but sometimes I can't help it.
49. The best Churro I have ever had was from Old Town in California. It had wonderful butterscotch caramel sauce inside.
50. I don't like Cowboys very much at all.
51. I hide behind my glasses and feel exposed when I don't have them on.
52. I'm a back seat driver. And when in shotgun I look over my shoulder when changing lanes on the freeway. I feel annoying when I catch myself doing it so I try not to.
53. I have a slight food aversion to butter.
54. We just picked up my sister Sara from the airport and I am not wearing my seatbelt because all 4 of us called the front row in the Suburban so we are sharing
4 people to 3 seats.
55. I feel that we need to do something about Global Warming.
56. I miss being a Tom Boy.
57. I don't know if I am a Democrat or Republican.
58. I drive fast on the freeway and like to change lanes and hit small gaps to be fastest.
59. I cry when I lose, like losing in Lacrosse State Championships 2 years in a row.
60. I don't believe that there is one person out there perfect for each person.
61. I make friends with boys much easier than with girls.
62. When I was in Jr. High I said I'd never wear make up in my life.
63. Almost every day on the way to school in 5th grade a friend and I went to Dick's Ace and bought penny candies.
64. My favorite Halloween costume was when I was a spider.
65. I didn't see The Incredibles for a few months after it came out because everyone loved it so much that I didn't want to love it so I avoided it. I'm still trying to figure that out about myself.
66. I don't like war. But I support our troops. It's wrong to protest at a soldier's funeral.
67. I like art and hope to be better at it someday.
68. I'd love to go skydiving.
69. I'm eating popcorn and wiping my hand on the couch between each handful because I don't want my keys to be oily.
70. If I could change anything about myself it'd be my skin.
71. I look a little like my mom and brother John who both look a little like Julie Andrews.
72. I'm good at guitar hero.
73. My first guy friend was Ryan Erickson. We used to play with Legos all the time.
74. I think it's funny when girls hyphen their names when they get married. I love my last name, but if I'm willing to spend the rest of eternity with a man, I should be willing to take on his name.
75. I played the Clarinet when I was in 7th grade but didn't keep it up because I didn't like my band teacher, Mr. Seagull.
76. I am shy when I first meet people but when I feel comfortable I can break out of my shell quickly.
77. I love when I hear or smell something that reminds me of my past or of books I have read.
78. I don't like when my friends make fun of me for writing blogs or making lists or reading books or the newspaper or other things that interest me. It actually makes me want to run away from them or punch them.
79. I liked high school.
80. Less than a year ago I ran away from home and stayed overnight at my friend's/neighbor's house.
81. My numerology number is 36/9. (August 10th, 1898; 8/10/1989; 8+1+0+1+9+8+9= 36; 3+6=9)
82. Although I know little about either, I am interested in Energy and Metaphysics.
83. I love being center of attention. I love being laughed at.
84. I like when people say my name when they say hello or goodbye or just in conversation, but I feel slightly uncomfortable saying others' names. It feels too personal or intimate sometimes.
85. I like making new friends and think I am good at it, but I am bad at keeping them.
86. When I was young, my best friends and I had a tree house. We helped build it. Then we painted the four inside walls. One red, one yellow, one blue, and one purple. I painted the blue one. Then the east winds blew it down years later.
87. My favorite colors are green, brown, blue, red, and black.
88. I am not afraid of heights. I hang a hammock during the summer about 7 feet off the ground and read all day. In 8th grade I built a chair into a tree in the front yard and did my homework in it after school.
89. I have never stolen anything big, only change from siblings' rooms and gum from a broken bubble-gum machine at Dick's Market. I am too afraid to steal anything more, even when I have the desire to.
90. I like talking about myself. I like analyzing myself and people close to me with personality codes or astrology or numerology or whatever I stumble upon.
91. I took gymnastics in 8th and 9th grade but hurt my back on the trampoline one day and have been a grandma ever since. I still jump on the tramp but it hurts every time I do. I love doing back flips though and wish I could do them on the ground. Or at least backhand springs.
92. I isolate myself often from family or friends, not usually in self-pity but because I enjoy being alone.
93. I like hiding money then finding it later. Same with candy and notes.
94. I spy on people through myspace, facebook when I had it, phonebooks, directories, etc. I like seeing where people live or knowing where they work or what not. And I do not think I am alone on this.
95. I lack self-discipline in most aspects of my life.
96. I love funny people, but not if they drown my humor.
97. I am not critical of books or movies. I enjoy almost any book or movie I read or see which makes me feel like I'm lacking something, like my judgment can't be trusted.
98. I have become a very jealous person in the last year and a half. For example, my sister was telling me a story. When she met a boy she has a crush on, he was with two other girls. I asked, who were the other girls? She said just a couple girls from the place he was staying. And she didn't seem to care at all that he was with two other girls, which should be expected. But I, even though I wasn't there and don't know the boy or anything, am already feeling negative or hopeless or critical of the boy because he was with 2 other girls. I didn't used to be like this. It's retarded. And I don't know how to fix it.
99. I like doing sudokus.
100. I used to walk around my home holding a mirror horizontally out in front of me pretending like the ceiling was the floor.
101. I hate using the restroom in the early morning because the toilet seat is always freezing.
102. One of my favorite places on this earth is Flaming Gorge.
103. I have found it common in young lovers to have a "special thing" with 11:11 wishes and shooting stars.
104. The other night I went to Wendy's at 1:something AM with only $1.25 because I just wanted a frosty. I guess the drive through closes at 1, not 2 like I thought. So I went to Wal-Mart and bought a small box of animal crackers for 96 cents instead.
105. I talk out loud to myself a lot. Otherwise my thoughts overlap in my mind and nothing is resolved, just confused.
106. After writing in my journal about the first time I held hands, I drilled a hole through it and padlocked it shut in fear of someone finding out.
107. On the way home from 5th grade one day, Annie Hale and I were taking turns wearing a hoodie backwards with the hood over our face while the other directed the person home. We made it about 7/8 of the way home, but I quit when she purposely directed me into a parked truck.
Thursday, December 13, 2007
the physicist's anxiety
I've never experienced an anxiety attack before, but I think I'm feeling a small fraction of what they are like. In one hour I will be taking a two hour physics test that counts for a third of my grade. My heart is being compressed by the fluid pressure I'm learning about but not the atmospheric pressure unless there's a hole in my chest. The guage pressure is about to exceed the max my heart can hold because I ate a few fries at lunch so the area of the arteries are smaller. My back hurts because the closer I hang my head down to my paper, the larger the torque is, pulling more on the muscles that run down my spine. The temperature changes in my room are stretching and compressing my brain due to the heat expansion theory. My heart is beating at a few hundred beats per minute, and if a small object traveling at a large velocity were to inelastically collide with it, the lost mass would be neglectible but the velocity of my heart moving with the small object could be found using conservation of momentum, not conservation of energy. I'm so afraid.
Wednesday, December 12, 2007
15 fingers
The doctor told me I'm alergic to myself. Technically it's called dermographic urticaria. "Skin writing something or other." If I scratch or rub or slap my skin it welts up. So Gabi gave me a hug and slapped me 3 times on the back. Really hard. Now there are 15 fingers protruding from my back. It looks like I've been abused. It made the girls across the hall gasp. heheh. Funny. It's hard to see in this picture.
Andy's Luck
I came home really excited about the $78.25 I got from returning 2 books, my calculus text book and solutions manual. Andy from 2 doors down left the room saying "I want to go return my five books!" He came back a few minutes ago on the phone with a towing company. They stole his booted car. It costs $150 dollars to get it back, plus the $150 he owes on parking tickets. "That's three hundred dollars on a car I bought for five hundred!" Then I suggested hopefully, "Hey at least you have book-return money for five books..?" Turns out he got 7 dollars back for 5 books.
Bowling
I went bowling with my floor buddies. There's quite the split on our floor, and I'm stuck in between the two groups. I'll talk about it more later.
The Club is Rob, Tyler, Matt, Mark, Me, Chelsea, Hector. I think that's just about it. We are cool. Really cool. So today I went bowling with all of them minus Chelsea and plus Blake, my good friend from 803. Chelsea actually happened to be there bowling with her work associates. She was getting paid to bowl! Best job ever. At the union, bowling is one buck per game. So we bowled three. But I only had one dollar. So I gave 4 quarters to Rob and he paid for 2 of mine. Nice guy. I bowled a 98, 79, then 83. Or something. I'm not that good at bowling. But these boys have gone probably like 40+ times this semester. So I'm just getting started. They said they'll give me as many games as it takes to show them up. I did beat Rob 2 out of the 3 times and Tyler once. But Matt was getting 173 and 150 and such. Dang.
I love my floor. I love my roommates. I love Chelsea and Kristen and Kylie and Rob and Tyler and Matt and Mark and Hector and Gabi and Andy and Remmington and Ryan and Brett. I'm going to be sad when the year is through. What a great experience.
The Club is Rob, Tyler, Matt, Mark, Me, Chelsea, Hector. I think that's just about it. We are cool. Really cool. So today I went bowling with all of them minus Chelsea and plus Blake, my good friend from 803. Chelsea actually happened to be there bowling with her work associates. She was getting paid to bowl! Best job ever. At the union, bowling is one buck per game. So we bowled three. But I only had one dollar. So I gave 4 quarters to Rob and he paid for 2 of mine. Nice guy. I bowled a 98, 79, then 83. Or something. I'm not that good at bowling. But these boys have gone probably like 40+ times this semester. So I'm just getting started. They said they'll give me as many games as it takes to show them up. I did beat Rob 2 out of the 3 times and Tyler once. But Matt was getting 173 and 150 and such. Dang.
I love my floor. I love my roommates. I love Chelsea and Kristen and Kylie and Rob and Tyler and Matt and Mark and Hector and Gabi and Andy and Remmington and Ryan and Brett. I'm going to be sad when the year is through. What a great experience.
Tuesday, December 11, 2007
Brainwashed Blake.
Me: I'm just glad girls don't have facial hair.
Blake: Well not as much. They still have the peach fuzz and some have more than others. Your right though. That'd be so gross.
Me: My sister has crazy amounts of peach fuzz. It's creepy.
Blake: Gross. Ha. Does she have to shave?
Me: Ew no.
Blake: But it'd look nicer. I'd rather have to shave.
Me: But it's not thick hair just peach fuzz. And if she shaved it'd get thicker and gross.
Blake: It doesn't get thicker silly. That's a myth.
Me: Not true!
Blake: No. It is. I have a doctor for a dad. I'm right.
Me: I don't believe in doctors :)
Blake: Yeah right you take medicine. Hypocrite.
Me: I know but I hate medicine. I don't usually believe it will work. I only believe in Ibuprofin and a little bit in zyrtec. But I dont like doctors and medicine. I'm more of a natrualist.
Blake: Wow really? Not suprised. But what if I became a doctor. We couldn't be friends.
Me: I guess not. My mom is weird like that- very naturalistic. So I am. But my dad sells surgical tools to doctors. They're opposites. So I guess we could still be friends. But you're going to be a weather man. Not a doctor.
Blake: Yeah but that's my second option. I like the body.
Me: Of course you do. I've thought of doing something medical.
Blake: After being so antimedical..
Me: Yeah I'd be a chiropractor. Heh. Kind of medical. But I'd be one of those very naturalistic ones. The ones doctors hate and insurance people won't support. That's why I won't do it though. They are making less money than ever because of your dad :P
Blake: Because they arent' real doctors... that's fake medicine.
Me: Ha. You're so brainwashed.
Blake: Haha nope. Just smart.
Me: I completely disagree. But I don't have time to prove I'm right right now.
Blake: Haha ok. You should study.
Me: You too.
Blake: Well not as much. They still have the peach fuzz and some have more than others. Your right though. That'd be so gross.
Me: My sister has crazy amounts of peach fuzz. It's creepy.
Blake: Gross. Ha. Does she have to shave?
Me: Ew no.
Blake: But it'd look nicer. I'd rather have to shave.
Me: But it's not thick hair just peach fuzz. And if she shaved it'd get thicker and gross.
Blake: It doesn't get thicker silly. That's a myth.
Me: Not true!
Blake: No. It is. I have a doctor for a dad. I'm right.
Me: I don't believe in doctors :)
Blake: Yeah right you take medicine. Hypocrite.
Me: I know but I hate medicine. I don't usually believe it will work. I only believe in Ibuprofin and a little bit in zyrtec. But I dont like doctors and medicine. I'm more of a natrualist.
Blake: Wow really? Not suprised. But what if I became a doctor. We couldn't be friends.
Me: I guess not. My mom is weird like that- very naturalistic. So I am. But my dad sells surgical tools to doctors. They're opposites. So I guess we could still be friends. But you're going to be a weather man. Not a doctor.
Blake: Yeah but that's my second option. I like the body.
Me: Of course you do. I've thought of doing something medical.
Blake: After being so antimedical..
Me: Yeah I'd be a chiropractor. Heh. Kind of medical. But I'd be one of those very naturalistic ones. The ones doctors hate and insurance people won't support. That's why I won't do it though. They are making less money than ever because of your dad :P
Blake: Because they arent' real doctors... that's fake medicine.
Me: Ha. You're so brainwashed.
Blake: Haha nope. Just smart.
Me: I completely disagree. But I don't have time to prove I'm right right now.
Blake: Haha ok. You should study.
Me: You too.
Monday, December 10, 2007
finals, snowball fights, lies
This morning's Introduction to Architecture final was great, after getting over the minute stress of forgetting a pencil. Luckily my mom, aka Brian Hebdon, is in all of my classes. I probably got at least 90%. It was wonderful. If only my Physics and Calculus test could be that easy. I need to start studying for those tests.
I was sore for 2 days because of a super fun snowball fight Friday night. Tyler, Rob, Gabi and I snowball fought for probably 30 or so minutes. It was a bloody blast, as Rob would say. He's from England. Fun accent. Gabi's about my height so I could take him down pretty easily. Heh. But Tyler and Rob.. they were tough. Rob and I both were wearing glasses which was a really, really bad idea. Rob actually lost his in the snow once but we found them. It was my fault too- I threw one at the side of his head on accident. I always feel really bad when I hit faces. But Rob is terrible at making snowballs- he hasn't had much practice- so he wasn't too hard to deal with. He hasn't even ever made a snowman!!! Tyler though, he's a big football style kid, so he was difficult to take down. Plus we were allies for a bit but he betrayed me because he claimed I betrayed him, so I never knew if I could trust him or not. It was really fun. The snow was perfect for packing. Plus I was wearing my green galoshes so my feet weren't even cold. But my fingers were. No gloves. Oops. They killed. Meanwhile Mark and Matt hiked to the top of the mountian. They were gone for ever so I don't doubt that they wen't really high up there. My floor rocks.
I was rebuked yesterday for something I feel I cannot change without cheating myself. I don't like manipulation, repression, or lying, but I have to do all three in order to be "happy" and to make an old friend "happy." But yesterday is yesterday, today is today, and who knows if tomorrow will be what I want tomorrow to be. I was told it will not be. So now I manipulate my emotions to conform to tomorrow. Awesome.
I was sore for 2 days because of a super fun snowball fight Friday night. Tyler, Rob, Gabi and I snowball fought for probably 30 or so minutes. It was a bloody blast, as Rob would say. He's from England. Fun accent. Gabi's about my height so I could take him down pretty easily. Heh. But Tyler and Rob.. they were tough. Rob and I both were wearing glasses which was a really, really bad idea. Rob actually lost his in the snow once but we found them. It was my fault too- I threw one at the side of his head on accident. I always feel really bad when I hit faces. But Rob is terrible at making snowballs- he hasn't had much practice- so he wasn't too hard to deal with. He hasn't even ever made a snowman!!! Tyler though, he's a big football style kid, so he was difficult to take down. Plus we were allies for a bit but he betrayed me because he claimed I betrayed him, so I never knew if I could trust him or not. It was really fun. The snow was perfect for packing. Plus I was wearing my green galoshes so my feet weren't even cold. But my fingers were. No gloves. Oops. They killed. Meanwhile Mark and Matt hiked to the top of the mountian. They were gone for ever so I don't doubt that they wen't really high up there. My floor rocks.
I was rebuked yesterday for something I feel I cannot change without cheating myself. I don't like manipulation, repression, or lying, but I have to do all three in order to be "happy" and to make an old friend "happy." But yesterday is yesterday, today is today, and who knows if tomorrow will be what I want tomorrow to be. I was told it will not be. So now I manipulate my emotions to conform to tomorrow. Awesome.
My new best friends
My new best friends are the best. Obviously. If they weren't they'd be my new alright friends. I'll tell about Chelsea Blythe Kwallek and Heidi Anna Heninger. Both have blonde hair. Both are so fun and funny. Both are pretty. We all laugh so much. And we are thinking of/planning on moving into an apartment next year in slc. I'd love it. I've wanted to do that but had yet to meet any girls I'd like to live with. But now I have. Chelsea and Heidi.
Heidi looks like Jo Bradbury, my high school art teacher. She's really pretty. Chelsea looks somewhat similar to her, probably just because they both have blonde hair. But I love them. Chelsea and I stay up late every night talking and laughing. We even read scriptures together and force each other to pray. We love each other. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better roommate. Heidi is Chelsea's best friend from Sage Point, the dorm complex Chelsea moved here from. We have so much fun, I just love t. And they gave me permission to call them my new best friends. We have really only known each other for about a week and a half or 2 weeks, but I know we'll be best friends next semester. And I'm excited to live with them in a house or something. They, mostly Chelsea, say damn and hell sometimes, and usually at the perfect time. For example: we read scriptures together, like I mentioned before, at night. We switch off columns, but if the verse at the bottom of your column runs over, you have to finish the verse. Chelsea's last verse had 2 lines at the bottom of her column with 12 lines running into mine. So the sentence that carried over into my column was read with a very quiet "..damn.." in between the two words. I laughed for eternity. I love her.
It's nice having girlfriends. I'm really, really bad at that. But heidi and I have the same taste in many things. At lunch today we were rating boys and heidi and I would always agree on the same ones while chelsea was pretending to throw up. Chelsea is an abercrombie girl though, so what do you expect? :) Someday she'll change. Chelsea also makes fun of my music, but heidi says she likes weird music too. Except she also likes country which is crap. Oh well. So yes. The three of us are going to marry. And it's going to rock.
It's nice to have best friends again. I had one for a while once but lost it. It's wonderful having someone to belong to, even when it is two girls. I'm pleased with my luck. God listened when I asked for someone who would change my life. Yay.
Heidi looks like Jo Bradbury, my high school art teacher. She's really pretty. Chelsea looks somewhat similar to her, probably just because they both have blonde hair. But I love them. Chelsea and I stay up late every night talking and laughing. We even read scriptures together and force each other to pray. We love each other. I honestly couldn't have asked for a better roommate. Heidi is Chelsea's best friend from Sage Point, the dorm complex Chelsea moved here from. We have so much fun, I just love t. And they gave me permission to call them my new best friends. We have really only known each other for about a week and a half or 2 weeks, but I know we'll be best friends next semester. And I'm excited to live with them in a house or something. They, mostly Chelsea, say damn and hell sometimes, and usually at the perfect time. For example: we read scriptures together, like I mentioned before, at night. We switch off columns, but if the verse at the bottom of your column runs over, you have to finish the verse. Chelsea's last verse had 2 lines at the bottom of her column with 12 lines running into mine. So the sentence that carried over into my column was read with a very quiet "..damn.." in between the two words. I laughed for eternity. I love her.
It's nice having girlfriends. I'm really, really bad at that. But heidi and I have the same taste in many things. At lunch today we were rating boys and heidi and I would always agree on the same ones while chelsea was pretending to throw up. Chelsea is an abercrombie girl though, so what do you expect? :) Someday she'll change. Chelsea also makes fun of my music, but heidi says she likes weird music too. Except she also likes country which is crap. Oh well. So yes. The three of us are going to marry. And it's going to rock.
It's nice to have best friends again. I had one for a while once but lost it. It's wonderful having someone to belong to, even when it is two girls. I'm pleased with my luck. God listened when I asked for someone who would change my life. Yay.
Wednesday, December 5, 2007
Dove Wrapper
When Kylie gave me a Dove chocolate I opened it and gave the bad part (the dark chocolate) to Chelsea and kept the fortune on the wrapper for me. It said "Make a list of your dreams." So here goes.
Become an amazing architect like Frank Gehry or work with someone like him.
Be happy with my career, every day.
Marry a husband I love more than anyone in the world, in a temple.
Have a big family just as happy as mine.
Graduate from Princeton with a Masters in Architecture.
Design my own home.
Get accepted to the Architecure program at the U or get accepted into a program at Berkely California for Graduate school.
Live in Salt Lake City or another City in a small apartment.
Have a life filled with close relationships.
Live to be old and healthy.
Go to space.
Get a 6-pack. : )
Have enough money to send my kids where ever they want for college.
Travel the world. Guatamala, Italy, Sweden, Japan, China, Germany, France, Africa.
Believe in the LDS faith my entire life.
Keep a 3.7 for 4 years if I'm at the U that long.
That's all for now. I'm excited for life.
Love, Jessie G
Become an amazing architect like Frank Gehry or work with someone like him.
Be happy with my career, every day.
Marry a husband I love more than anyone in the world, in a temple.
Have a big family just as happy as mine.
Graduate from Princeton with a Masters in Architecture.
Design my own home.
Get accepted to the Architecure program at the U or get accepted into a program at Berkely California for Graduate school.
Live in Salt Lake City or another City in a small apartment.
Have a life filled with close relationships.
Live to be old and healthy.
Go to space.
Get a 6-pack. : )
Have enough money to send my kids where ever they want for college.
Travel the world. Guatamala, Italy, Sweden, Japan, China, Germany, France, Africa.
Believe in the LDS faith my entire life.
Keep a 3.7 for 4 years if I'm at the U that long.
That's all for now. I'm excited for life.
Love, Jessie G
Update
I miss my best friend.
I showered for so long my fingers turned to raisins!
I am afraid of the future for many reasons.
I really like my new roommate. More than I thought possible.
I'm excited for Christmas.
I like being LDS.
I almost got voted out of a club in the room next door because I say show instead of movie or film.
I'm lucky.
I'm going to be late for Calculus if I don't leave right now.
Bye.
Love,
Jessica Judy Gilmore
I showered for so long my fingers turned to raisins!
I am afraid of the future for many reasons.
I really like my new roommate. More than I thought possible.
I'm excited for Christmas.
I like being LDS.
I almost got voted out of a club in the room next door because I say show instead of movie or film.
I'm lucky.
I'm going to be late for Calculus if I don't leave right now.
Bye.
Love,
Jessica Judy Gilmore
Thursday, November 29, 2007
Lemon Cleanse Official Day One
Last night I drank a cup of laxitive herbal tea. I don't like it much, but I managed to get it all down. Then I went to bed. This morning I drank one quart of salt water. It was gross. I put about a teaspoon of uniodized salt into my water bottle and added warm water then shook it up, plugged my nose, and drank. I couldn't taste the salt, but I could sense it. Ugh. Gross. I had to do it twice to equal a quart. On my very last swallow I dry heaved (disgusting, I know) and couldn't swallow it. But then about an hour later I went number 2 for the first time in a few days. Then I drank my lemonade all day. It was hard resisting food so much, but I've put myself through a few days of gross and weird things, might as well not give up. So tonight I'll make another cup of tea and go to bed! Yay!
Wednesday, November 28, 2007
Lemon Cleanse Day Three
I've decided to start over. I ate lunch today. But I had already decided that I was going to start over. I'm staring over because I am supposed to have been drinking herbal tea at night before I go to bed, starting the night before I start the fast. Also, I read it's pretty good to drink a cup of warm water with uniodized salt mixed in each morning. So today I went to Smiths and bought a box of laxitive Herbal Tea and a container of salt. Tonight I'll drink my tea with my nose plugged (I don't like tea very much at all), and tomorrow morning I'll drink my saltwater with my nose plugged, then drink lemonade all day. This means Thursday will be my first day and.. Saturday the tenth day. Sunday and Monday I'll drink only Orange juice. Then Tuesday I'll drink orange juice for breakfast, fruit for lunch, and salad for dinner. After that I'm supposed to be back to normal! I'm excited. Wish me luck. Tomorrow is my Official First Day of the Lemonade Diet.
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
Lemon Cleanse Day Two
Today's lemon cleanse didn't go so well. I woke up feeling really light headed and shakey. I slowly got ready, lying down every few minutes or so. I mixed a drink and started to sip it, but each swallow made me gag a little. It just gave me the shivers. Then I just swallowed a few last gulps and walked out the door for class. I got down three floors taking it slow because I was still feeling pretty light headed. I got outside and knew I was going to throw up soon. I sat down on a bench right outside my building after deciding that running back up stairs to my bathroom would probably make it worse. I decided to lie on the grass for a sec, but soon after I lied down I sat up and threw up on the grass. Gross gross gross. I hate throwing up. I didn't think I'd throw anything up anyways since I hadn't had solid food since Sunday night, but I did throw up lemonade. Ugh. Then a few seconds later my friend Rob walked out of the building and made sure I was okay before heading to class. I felt better after I threw up, but thinking about the drink made me sick. So after Calculus I went to the Union and bought a couple rolls and a few saltine crackers and some apple juice. I ate very slowly and my stomach handled it fine. Then a couple hours later, right before Sign Language, I decided I was starving so I got another couple of rolls and crackers and apple juice. I felt a little weird after eating that round. So I drank regular water for a while and went to the fieldhouse with Kylie and Kristen and pumped some iron :) and they convinced me to keep going with the cleanse. When we got back I drank a whole glass without feeling too grossed out. This time I put a little less lemon and a little more syrup. I just drank another glassful and am feeling pretty good. Michelle said she felt shakey like that in the mornings too so I should have a class premade by my bed and try to just drink it down right when I wake up. And I'm going to drink until I get in bed. So yep. I'm feeling pretty good. Yes, I ate food today, but I feel okay about it. And I didn't even really crave food or junk like I usually do when I'm trying to eat healthier or what not. They say the 3rd day is hardest, but since I ate today, maybe the 4th day will be hardest. I can take it though. Oh yeah, I thought I was supposed to drink only this lemonade for 10 days then work back into solid food, but Michelle thinks maybe it's only 7 days, then apple and orange juice day 8 and 9, then small amounts of solids day 10. That would be wonderful. I'll look it up. Goodnight!
Monday, November 26, 2007
Lemon Cleanse Day One
Day One of the Lemon Cleanse went quite well I'd say. I was only sad when Kylie said "Who wants some Wheat Thins!?" and I said "Me!!" then "Oh man. Nevermind." I just keep forgetting! Oopsies. I'm mostly worried about lunch every Monday Tuesday Wednesday and Friday. I have calculus right before lunch-time and a group of us go to the Union after math and eat. It's fun. But I know that if I even go with them I'll buy something. So I'm going to have to be anti-social for the next 9 days. But I'm sad because the semester is coming to an end, and the few friends I eat with will no longer be in my classes so I want to strenghten our friendships while I still can! Predicament. I'll just have to carry my Nalgene full of lemon-syrup-cyanne pepper-water around so I'm not tempted. Too bad it looks like someone backwashed in it. Not embarrassing at all. Another con to this cleanse is that my meal plan doesn't roll over, so not eating for 10 days costs me.. let's see, for 7 days I have 19 meals, plus 3 more days of 3 meals a day, that's 28 meals at 5.50 a piece.. 154 dollars down the drain. Wowzers. Not cool. Oh well. Mommy said that's okay.
Sunday, November 25, 2007
Standards Restood
Sitting with a few friends the other night, an R rated movie came up. The one friend said about the other, "But he won't come see it with me." I asked why and he said, "I have standards." Then they went on about how he's "so missionary" still but I sort of tuned out after that. I thought about how few standards the world has. Zero, really. And being able to keep any standard at all these days is really hard. As the friend later said, "Only recently have I realized the overwhlemingly pitiful feeling of compromising a standard I had previously thought to be quite black and white." I feel sad at myself for growing up so strong then deciding this standard wasn't That important. I tell myself I am not affected by anything these days, being so "exposed" to things in college, but heck, why not stay innocent? I think of how cool the people back in the day were, the ones who spoke properly and sat with great posture and drank tea and had amazing manners, and I wonder what their reaction would be to the media these days. I want to be more like them. I want to have standards, something most of the world has forgotten about. So here goes. I'm forgiving myself (something I am Not good at) for watching the few R movies I have seen, and am now moving on and will try my hardest to keep my standard as high as it was when I'd get mad at my siblings for saying "crap" or "suck" or "shut up."
Saturday, November 24, 2007
I'm a hopeless romantic.
I like to imagine that someone is as creepy as me, somewhere out there. I like to pretend that someone went home one day and pulled out the yearbook and looked through the entire grade to figure out what my name was. Then looked for me every day in the commons. Or asked someone, pointing, “Who is that girl over there?” “Oh that’s Jessie Gilmore. She’s pretty cool.” I like to pretend someone stalked my myspace and found out where I lived and walked past my door. Or would drive the long way home just to drive past my house. Or would sit outside in the shadows across the street and watch my light come on then see me close the window and pull down the blinds then twist them shut. And they’d think about the fact that I didn’t know they existed or that they had a crush on me. And they’d see me around, walking with my face in a book or talking on the phone or laughing with a friend and I wouldn’t notice them but they’d take in everything about me. I like to imagine there is someone out there as creepy as me.
It’s hard being completely in love with someone and not knowing what the future has in store. But it’s nice knowing that –as my brother put it – whoever I marry, I will love just as much if not more than anyone I’ve loved thus far. And if I don’t, I won’t marry him. Simple as that.
It’s hard being completely in love with someone and not knowing what the future has in store. But it’s nice knowing that –as my brother put it – whoever I marry, I will love just as much if not more than anyone I’ve loved thus far. And if I don’t, I won’t marry him. Simple as that.
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